Sunday, September 30, 2012

My True Essence

It has been an interesting week. Announcements of pregnancies (March is going to be a busy month for deliveries); weddings (my ex daughter in law got married); births and deaths (my good friend's mom died this morning). All in one week. And the leaves are changing and the temperatures here in South Carolina seem to be more like fall and I have my windows open full time so I am very happy. I am attending an amazing class with a shamanic energy practitioner and I feel like I am finally getting a real handle on this journey I have been on, am now on and will be on in the future. October brings me to the 10th anniversary of deciding to end my 30 year marriage and November will actually bring that decade to a close.

I am very aware of the Wheel Turning in my life and the lives of those very close to me.

Today I have felt a sadness deep in my soul. A sadness that really isn't connect to any of the announcements that have come into my life, but a sadness for all those who wander through their lives never stopping to look at themselves or others; never stopping to look at the Garden we live in; never stopping to honor the fact that we are co-creators and as such are meant to co-create love and light and not hatred and darkness.

I have a sadness in my soul that we never seem to want to take the time to see the True Essence of another and certainly not ourselves. And when we do, especially us women in the group, we only see damage, ugliness, worthlessness and the need to be enough for everyone.

This past week, in the class, I was paired up with the shamanic healer for an exercise in "seeing" the others True Essence. We blew into our crystals and then handed them to the other; while sitting knee to knee, we looked into the eyes of the other and set our intention on "seeing" that True Essence.

And here is what Maurene saw for me:

She saw a radiance, orange bolts of light coming out of my head and a "halo" of sorts surrounding me. She then saw me like the Catholic statue of Mary "in a bathtub" as she would call it and I knew exactly what she meant.

Then she told me that the "bathtub" was the crystal surrounding me; and she then saw me on the top of a mountain; with a very large brown bear standing beside me (brown bear is on of my animal spirits which she did not know) and all of a sudden I took off in this crystal and did flips and cartwheels in the sky. But all the time, there was this glow, this radiance, this halo from me. And she kept hearing "Cathedral Court."

I want to admit to you that my first response was "halo"? "Mother Mary"? Are you kidding me? And I was embarrassed. And yet, her eyes were sparkling and she was honored to be in the presence of the True Essence that she saw in her Vision. But my friends, I was embarrassed. Why??? Why would this embarrass me? Was it the brainwashing I have received all my life? I think it was. Why can I not own that I do radiate, that I am a Lightbearer and like Mary I bear Goddess into the world on a daily basis?

And it was then and there that this new transformation began. I decided to stand in the Truth of my Radiance. To stand in the Truth that I am a Light Bearer, a Birther of the Goddess, a Holy Wise Woman who has incredible gifts much needed by the world. To stand in this Truth boldly and be honored and humbled by the choice that Creatress made in gifting me with them!

I am moving further and further away from the lies, brainwashing, betrayals and the story of 30 years. I am moving further and further away from the damage, the wounds, and the limitations that others put on me. I am moving further and further away from the guilt, shame and despair I have carried for so very long.

We are all being called to stand boldly in our True Essence. We all have one that is oh so different than what we have been led to believe! We must believe! We must my friends as you see, the shift is coming and Goddess is preparing us to be there to help those unenlightened as they struggle to "see" in a different way.

I am not sure what this will look like for me or for you, but I Trust that it will happen. Join me! Stand in the True Essence that is You! Together we are about to enter a time of Awakening like never seen before!

Namaste and Blessed be!

(note: neither of us knew what Cathedral Court meant, so I goggled it and all I found was it being the name of apartment complexes, etc. Any thoughts?)

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Day Keeper Rite

Fall is my favorite time of the year and I think it is because I am so connected with the cycle of Birth and Death and the Transformation that takes place in between. Now I know that all of us are connected to this Cycle but when I look back over the past 60 years I see how true this is for me in a very tangible way. My life work was about life and death, I was a Doula for 20 years and have been in the presence of dying people both figuratively and literally. And in my own walk, I myself, have many times been born, died and reborn! And it seems to be most evident in the Fall!

So it wasn't a surprise when Maureen Mischinski, local Shaman delivered the Day Keeper Rite to me during our Divine Feminine Class two weeks ago. It wasn't a surprise that my eyes opened and I saw clearly through the Veil what I had been walking out all my life!

The Day Keeper Rite has been passed down from the Q'ero; Inca Peoples. The Day Keepers were those who were the Altar Keepers, Altar Fire Tenders, those present at Births and Deaths; it is the Divine Feminine Energy; these were the Medicine Women; the Healers.

After the Rite, the Veil opened and this is what I saw:

While in the Christian Tradition I was the Altar Keeper. No one asked me to do this, but I knew it was my role to set the altar for service; set Communion (wine and bread); take care of the candles and even light them many times if the acolyte didn't show up; undress the Altar after service and make sure the Altar was clean and respected for it's sacred place in the church. I would get so angry when people in the Praise and Worship band I was in would put their cups of coffee or water on the altar when we were warming up for the worship service. I knew that this was not an ordinary Table, but a Table consecrated to hold the Bible, the Blood and Body of Christ and the Candles symbolizing the Light of the World. Why couldn't others see this and why didn't others just beg to be an Altar Keeper. Oh we did have a schedule of "workers" for the traditional service but the contemporary was open to people just plain helping out. When we tried a schedule people would forget or just not show up and I would do it anyway. I KNEW I had to do it! And so I saw that I was walking out my Path of Day Keeper in that Tradition.

I now am the Keeper of my own altars and even had a home prayer altar when I was a Christian. It was a wonderful transition from that to Paganism but my Altars mean so much more now, and I hold just as scared a view of them as I did before even tho' these are now set just for me!

Being a Doula for those 20 years, coaching women of all ages; the youngest age 12 to the oldest age 40 was another Sacred task of the Day Keeper I was and have been for many lifetimes. I have three past lives that I know of and each of them show me in the Midwife/Doula role! Interesting enough is the fact that in all these lives I was persecuted for this sacred task. I was burned at the stake in one and in this lifetime I was frequently given grief over helping these pregnant pre-teen and teenage girls have a pleasant birthing experience as they should be punished for their "sins"! But I could be no where else and it was a Sacred Time as I was present for another Life coming into this very hard world.

I was present when my Aunt Nellie died. I was so close to her and being in that Sacred Bedroom as she took her last breaths, holding her hand and the hand of my mom and listening as her Pastor told her it was time to let go of this world and join her Jesus Christ in heaven was where I had to be; where I wanted to be; where I now knew in Ancient Times I had been!

And I could go on and on. 30 years of Social Work with hurting families, I was there to facilitate the transformation that would take place as families healed, families reunited and at times families were broken apart forever. But in each of the families there was the Cycle of Birth and Death and Rebirth played over and over and I was honored to be "invited" to join them on the journey. And each time, with each family, each young person I crossed paths with my life was changed forever! I knew even then it was a Sacred Calling and I had to do it.

And now I know why! I was chosen as A Day Keeper throughout time! Each Life Time I bring that Gift into the world as it is needed at that time. It has been both a burden and a blessing, but isn't everything we do in our life? Whether it is in our jobs inside or outside the home, whether it is dealing with our own or others health issues, whether it is driving in the car or flying in an airplane; everything we do carries a
Blessing and a Burden. It is when we stay in the Burden that we get depressed and bogged down and feel taken advantage of. And I must admit there were times after the Christian Worship service was over that I resented being the last one there and realizing that the person scheduled to undress the altar had indeed gone out to lunch and I was "left" to spend an extra hour caring for this Sacred Space. What I will say is that as I began to take everything down a Peace came over me and I was always taken to another Realm and I was thankful that I was the one chosen by the Divine to finish out the Service in this way.

All it took was Shaman Maureen to do a very simple Rite for the movie play out in front of me. This Sacred Movie that we all have but that looks different for each of us. The important thing is that we remember that everything we do; every path we take; every transformation from Birth to Death to Rebirth is Sacred Time! All we need to do is Re-member it; to claim it as our Truth; and to Walk in it humbled and honored that Goddess lives only in the Blessing! And as such we can live with the Burden as She shows us the Blessings!

Blessed be!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

A walk in The Garden with Goddess

For about 20 minutes I was the only one outside as I took my walk this morning-me and Goddess walking in The Garden; and as I looked around I heard the Voices of my Grandmother and my Mother say, "Fall and Winter are coming-the Trees look tired." They spoke of the Wheel Turning without naming it as such. And as I walked I too noticed that the Trees and flowers did indeed look tired.

Life after a hard day's work- I too know that Tired feeling! Like I can't wait to arrive home, take off my make up and shed my clothes. And yet with Fall the Trees and bushes put on one more splash of Color before shedding their clothes and rest for a Season. And as I walked with Goddess through The Garden, She taught me Life Lessons!

She taught me once again the lessons I need to learn about dying to Self and being reborn to the new Self that not only is there to hold up others but to allow myself to be held up as well. She taught me about being the color in a washed out life of another and to not hang on to the coat that no longer fits but gives me comfort even tho' it is worn out and no longer serves me in the cold!

And then people, dressed in their finest, began to come out of their apartments and get in their cars to go to Church. To go into a building to hear one "ordained" person give them a Life Lesson from an Old Book; a Lesson they could not learn unless they listened to his interpretation. And it made me sad on a very deep level.

As I looked around I saw thousands of different messages in the clouds, the rising sun, the Trees, flowers, birds, stones, dirt, water, buildings, cars....all with the Life Force flowing through them....individual messages written for each of us at the time meant for us to Read!

And yet thousands flock to buildings today to sing words to hymns written with someone else's doctrine; they will hear the interpretation of one person expecting all to believe it as the only Truth for all and they will return home (after a stop for lunch), not once gazing at the tired Trees and thanking them for all their hard work this past Spring and Summer. They won't pause long enough to as their God what message they are to receive from the Book Written at the beginning of Time!

I do not judge here, I simply find it interesting the choices people make. I know, I have been there too.

So Goddess smiled as I walked with Her in The Garden this morning. I thanked Her for Teaching me once again from Her Living Breathing Book!

Blessed be!

Friday, September 14, 2012

A message from Venus

                                              picture was not taken by me

I have been very honored this week to have Goddess Waning Moon and Venus walking with me in the mornings before Dawn. On Monday She was right outside my balcony; Tuesday I could see Her as soon as I walked outside; Wednesday and Thursday I had to walk a little further to see Her, but this morning She had fallen much lower in the sky and only halfway through my walk did I catch a quick glimpse of Her and realized that she was barely visible; Her thin reflection of the sun was the only thing left as She turns to Dark tomorrow.

I began to ponder this Transformation. I thought about Ancient Peoples who depended on this glorious Celestial Body in the sky for so much and then to have Her Disappear from their sight for three days must have been devastating. With Her Light gone, the Nights were Darker still!

And I pondered what this was saying to me, when all of a sudden Vensus showed Herself from behind a cloud and spoke to me! "Do not fear the Darkness! You see, when Goddess Moon Mother is resting for a few nights, I am here to provide you with the Light you so desperately seek! I along with my Sister Stars and Brother Planets are here for You! Even behind the clouds, we are here! Goddess Moon does so much for you and your planet that She needs Her time of rest. Just as you do when you have been shining too much into the world! She is resting, but soon She will begin the Waxing Process that leads Her to Fullness and Brightness and then She moves to Rest again.

You must learn from Her. Watch as She moves along Her Journey in a year. Each month She glides through her stages and yet She moves through the Seasons showing HerSelf in different areas of the Sky. She is the same each month as She makes Her journey on the path of Light to Dark and back to Light. She is predictable; She is constant; She provides HerSelf unconditionally. She asks nothing in return as She travels Her own Journey. And yet, She has a great impact on your planet and all who inhabit it. She causes the Tides to ebb and flow just as she does a woman's menstrual cycle. And for three days in each month She rests! Don't ask too much of Her during Her resting time. Send your worship and your love to Her. Tell Her your intentions for your own ebbing and flowing as you Journey.

And remember that you are not expected to Shine all the time. Find your own Rhythm and honor it."

And so my friends, this Dark Moon time will be different for me. It will be a time for me to evaluate my Self and my Personal Rhythm. It will be a time to step back and appreciate the other ways that Light comes into my life and how I don't always have to be the one providing the Light for mySelf and for Others. And I won't hurry through the next few days anxiously awaiting for Her to appear again. I rest along with Moon Goddess! I rest and I allow Her to rest!

Blessed be!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Dreamcatcher

So, I must tell you what happened the day after I wrote my Hate blog post! This is the Dreamcatcher I have had since probably 1991. I bought it at one of the first Native American Pow-Wows I attended. It has a small bear charm inside and Brown Bear is one of my Animal Spirit Guides. I have hung it up every where I have lived and it has been outside on my balcony since I moved to the apartment.

The day after I wrote the Hate blog post I realized that something was missing from the overhang of my balcony and realized that the Dreamcatcher was gone. I looked down and there it was on the ground. I went down and rescued it and this is what I realized: It was very dirty and worn looking and the leather was falling apart, the beads were no longer attached to the strings. I brought it upstairs and began to wash it, but as I did, the leather strings literally fell apart and I couldn't even tie them back on.

I sat with Dreamcatcher and asked what happened. This is what Dreamcatcher said to me: "I am full and I am worn out. I have captured your bad dreams, your unfilled wishes, your heartaches and your trauma. I have been there with you in the good and the tough times and I have always let the good in and tried my best to keep the bad out. And now, my job has been completed. You, yourself, have released the last Deep Emotion that needed to be released. And after you wrote the blog post, the leather holding me together let go and I fell to the ground. All the ugliness that has been held within my spheres soaked into the ground as I laid there and the gentle rain shower in the middle of the night came down on me. I have served you well but now I must be put to rest."

I sat there in amazement. I took all the beads that had fallen off the strings and placed them in the Fairy Garden for them to play with and I cut the deer gut panels out of the inside and placed them in the candle garden on the balcony, and the bear charm I tied to my Prayer Stick, and then I wrapped up the skeleton of Dreamcatcher and placed it in the trash can.

Yes, indeed this Dreamcatcher held My Story in it's spheres. It silently hung where ever I placed it and quietly did the job of capturing the bad dreams and letting through the good. I honor the task it agreed to take on and that it fulfilled it well and faithfully!

I have another dreamcatcher that hangs in my bedroom window, but there was something so Sacred about this Dreamcatcher. I looked at the vacant place on my balcony overhang and decided to place the birdfeeder I had taken down a while ago because the birds were making such a mess with their poop in it's place! I hope the birds find it before they take off for the winter!

If not, that is ok! I will always thank Goddess for Dreamcatcher and the way it said Good bye to me!

Blessed be!

Saturday, September 8, 2012


Yep, today I must blog about Hate; probably the most powerful emotion we humans feel; or choose not to feel. I was raised to "not hate." My Mom wouldn't even let us use the word and I think I did the same with my kids. I was taught that "good people" don't Hate; they may dislike someone or something, but we do not Hate! People who "hate" are bad people. And so, I grew up saying things like, "I really dislike her or him" or "I really don't like how that tastes or looks or how that person acts." Now, yes, I agree that "hate" can become very misused but on the other hand we have tried so hard to get it out of our tool box of feelings that we have caused a society of people who are pushed to their limits of intolerance and act out in horrific ways. I often wonder what it would be like if we were taught how to "hate" appropriately.

But that is not really what I want to blog about. Nope I want to blog about how this Susie Sunshine of a Gal is ready to use this word and use it boldly! This Susie Sunshine "there is good in everything and everyone", Gal is ready to admit that I have been harboring HATE....yep, true, unadulterated, pure HATE in my heart and it does not make me a bad person; it makes me a real person!

I HATE my ex-husband! I HATE him with all my heart, soul and mind. And you know what???? I do not think that Goddess loves me less, is going to punish me or send me to hell! No that was what I was brainwashed to think when I was a Christian and it was a lie!

And so, for the 30 years I was married to this Narcissistic, controlling, demeaning, abusive sexual pervert; I was held captive and in bondage by the language of the Christian Tradition that told me I was scum in the eyes of God if I even began to feel the HATE that I knew I had for this man who did such terrible things to me and ultimately to my children. I made excuses for him reminding myself that all of us are "sinners" and as such I had to forgive him for he knew not what he was doing. BULLSHIT! He knew exactly what he was doing and yet, I allowed it to continue. When I finally allowed myself to leave his sorry ass, I once again fell into my Susie Sunshine Good Christian Girl, and did not Hate this man who had done so much damage and continued to blame everyone else and hold himself up as the victim! I could have ruined him professionally and yet I wanted to be the "bigger person" and show that I was a Good Girl and did not have to take revenge. For you see, the scripture about "God will be the revenger" echoed in my head and so I smiled and even said many times, "I still love him, I just can't live with him!" What a bunch of fucking lies!

So I am here to say that even tho' I haven't laid eyes on this man for 3 years, I am ready to say loud and clear I HATE HIM! Pure and cathartic HATE! The kind of Hate that I remember trying to subdue when I would lay next to him in bed and pray...yep pray hard....that he would die right then and there. When he found out he had high blood pressure I prayed, fervently I prayed for him to have a stroke and die. Every time he got on his motorcycle I also hoped beyond hope he would go off a cliff and not come back!

Do you think I ever told anyone this? NO! Do you think this Susie Sunshine, everything is Rainbows Gal, felt guilty as hell and knew I was one step closer to that damning place every time I thought it? Yep! Do I know that HATING HIM gives him power still over me as he goes along his wonderful life (and yes he is having one hell of a wonderful life which sucks!)? I sure do so don't tell me that. I have been in therapy for years and I know that. I know that it isn't nice to wish bad things to happen to him, but what I know is that me and my kids (now grown adults) would be so much better off if he was dead!

Funny how I still have those tapes in my mind that are convicting me as I write this blog! Will they ever go away? I don't know, but I am not listening to them any more! I did  a great disservice to my kids by taking away the word for a very very strong feeling and trying to make them Susie Sunshine kids! I want a do over! I want to have not married this man, but I want the same kids and a do over! I know it would have been so much better.

And yes, I please don't tell me , "but all of that is what made you and your kids the people that you are." Oh hell, let's see, my son suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD and Depression as a direct result of this marriage; my daughter goes through times of great anxiety over the memories of all the horrific porn movies she watched that her dad left in the video machine, on the computer, or at the end of her cartoons that he recorded over porn and then left at the end of the tape. And me, well, you see, I will never look at another man in the same way. I am alone and have learned to like it that way. And I have all this HATE in me for this one particular man!

So there it is; my blog on HATE! I am not willing to let this feeling go right away. I want to invite it in, sit with it and let it teach me about that deep seething horrific place that all of us have, but we just don't chose to go there. It's hard being Susie Sunshine! It really is when I have this HATRED for this man! I do in fact wish him dead and soon! And I for once don't feel guilty it at all!

Blessed be!