Saturday, January 18, 2014

I was a Prostitute!

As I sat and read a most heartfelt blog post this week, I was struck by how much resonated with me. Oh, well of course, let's hope that many blog posts we read now a days speak to us on some level. But you see I was caught a bit off guard as this blog post was written by a woman who had lived as a Prostitute most of her teen and adult life. Her words yelled at me; her words cried at me and her words took me to a place I really don't like to visit.

But isn't that what Winter time is? The Time to invite the Shadows to the Table and have a conversation over Tea?

Isn't the Winter times in our lives for facing head on those Shadows, thanking them for what they have taught us and then as we give them a hug, as we do any invited guest to our home, saying good-bye?

Well, the Shadow Guest that came somewhat uninvited this week was Prostitution.

I was a Prostitute for 30 years. Yep, 30 years I was a Prostitute! With one man! My husband!

You see, my husband (now ex for 11 years), had and probably still has a sexual addiction. His addiction was to pornography (well at least that is all I am aware of). I was a Prostitute for one man for 30 years.

It started shortly after I moved in with him when I was 19 years of age and he was 21. Oh he was so damn cute and ran in the popular group in our high school and I did not. I was literally swept away by the idea that this man would actually want to date me much less live with me and then marry me! From the beginning my eyes and heart were clouded by young love. But this man was hiding a secret that took me years to realize.

It began shortly after we were married. I walked into the bathroom before bed and there on the toilet he sat with a porn mag in his hands and an erection. (Now please realize, I really was quite naive in those days about sex and these sort of things even tho' it was the 60's). When I asked him about it, his response was "you really don't turn me on sometimes so I like to look at this to help me get excited." Yes that should have been the first clue you say, but oh I was so naive and so in love. (Later to realize I was in love with the image of the high school popular guy and not actually this man).

This man would ask me to do things that I really didn't want to do, but went along with because I didn't want to seem "frigid" as he would tell me I was. He used things on me and eventually introduced the idea of anal sex to me which was painful and degrading.

The anal sex became the "pay back sex" after arguments which made it even more degrading and disgusting, but I went along with it as you see I was young and oh so naive.

These words were all over the blog post I was reading and the Shadow walked into my door and had a seat right at the Table. I brought her a cup of tea and we sat and looked at each other.

Now we have done this many many many times over the past who knows how many years.

The Porn increased to videos and then the computer. There were probably 1000 videos and books in our house. One day I realized I was living with 1000's of prostitutes; still not realizing I was a Prostitute too. You see what happens with porn is that women are then seen as objects to be penetrated in all her openings and look like she loves having ejaculate rubbed all over her. And maybe some women did, but not me. And yet I stayed quiet.

I was my ex's living prostitute and I was behaving like one except there was no payment in cash afterwards. There was only his snoring as he feel asleep and I cried on many nights.

It is hard in this country to get a marital rape conviction. The male judges (and some women) don't see how in the world a wife could be raped. Isn't rape "sex without consent"; sometimes with threat of violence? Isn't it the woman's duty to be available for her husband whenever he wants to be "intimate" (don't I hate that word sometimes!). Aren't the words "I do" a container for "I do whatever, you husband, want me to do in and out of the bedroom?"

It became very clear to me that my orifices (all three of them) were for his pleasure and he automatically assumed that it was my pleasure too. And on most nights there was no "consent", there was only the fear of his mood, his behavior if I denied him his "right" both to watch porn and to repeat what he saw there in our bedroom.

Yes, this blog I read had Shadow knock at my door and of course I let Her in. I am hoping this will be the last time but probably won't as these scars run deep inside me. Those 30 years were formative years for me sexually and it was warped at best. But walking out of that house was the beginning of renewal and healing. It was the beginning of recapturing that which was stolen from me; my self worth, my image of a being a woman, my own Voice of when and how my body would be used by me and by another if and when I would so choose.  

And yet, I will always relate to those who are in the Prostitution business; willingly or unwillingly. Because at the end of the day it is still all about "consent." It all comes down to the man dictating what will be done to the body that is offered up to him either in business or in relationship or in love.

Freedom is returning to the Times when Women invited the Men to the bedroom and they were equal partners, each seeing one another as gifts of the Goddess; each acknowledging that the Body is the container of the sweet Goddess and thus should be honored and treated with respect and kindness. Freedom is honoring the yes and the no!

Freedom is hugging the Shadow one last time and opening the door for Her to leave.
Freedom is knowing that parts of the Shadow will linger for many more years to come.
Freedom is embracing all the nightmares, all the scars and all the lessons in one room of the heart and giving thanks for the ability to now hold them all in sacred container.

May we all be so Free!

So mote it be and blessed be! Aho and Love!

Friday, January 17, 2014

Mother Goddess

How I love growing older. It is in the looking back that I can see how this Journey unfolds. I was brought up learning about this Father God, you know the one who loves you (Jesus Loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so...) but who gets really mad and will punish you if you are bad (introduction to sin). And this Father God (Our Father who art in Heaven...) lives in our heart but also lives in Heaven where we want to go when we die but won't if we are bad and Father God decides we have to be punished for our bad behavior (sin). And so I was always looking behind me; always looking up to the Heaven and trying to do good so I would go to Heaven. And the Church told me that I was made in the image of this Father God, but I was born with Original Sin and so I had to have God's son be born and be crucified so Father God would be able to even look at me; dirty and nasty and evil as I was. Hey what happened to being born in God's image?

I am so totally confused! But I tried not to be and I had this love/hate relationship with the church doctrine, with the Bible, with all that I heard from the pulpit, from my parents and from society.

And when I began to question it all; when I didn't want a Father who was this cruel; when I just knew that God could not be a male, but had to be a Mother I was told that God really isn't either sex. "We just use the patriarchal language of Father, he, him cause we don't want to say "it". Who can have a relationship with an "it"? So why not Mother, she, her, I asked in my teens. "well, because Jesus prayed "Our Father who art in Heaven..." (this was the reason I got in seminary too!) And I found myself arguing, but still being pulled in by the teachings because well, because....

I tried, Goddess knows I tried to believe and understand. Heck, I even went to Seminary after I retired. Why? Because I thought God was mad at me for not going when "he" told me to in college and so my marriage to my abusive husband was my punishment for not obeying and by going to seminary then maybe I could get God to not be mad at me anymore! Is this fucked up or what?

So I took 6 months off after I left my church job and began to search and I began at the beginning (In the beginning.....). In hand I had the Bible, my seminary teaching (where I was threatened with being burned at the stake), my Goddess background (yep, never quite let go of that), and my own mind and heart and the journey brought me back to where I knew I was always to be.

And yet I still held on to this notion that this Divine had to not be a sexual being; there had to be balance, that this Divine was both male and female or neither. I had all the pieces but this one that I felt I had to have. I was convinced that I HAD to have the male gods in my pantheon of female goddesses but it just never felt right. And then, omg and then......The Great Cosmic Mother came into my life and there were the missing pieces!

So here I am; My Goddess is Mother Goddess! She is the Creatrix as She can only be. A Father can not birth and feed his creation. He only offers up the seed only, but the female egg has everything she needs to create life (except for the sex of the child). If the child is female there is no Y chromosome found in her at all, but if the child is a male he carries both. ALL of creation carries the X, the female chromosome in their DNA! And only the female can feed her newborn from her own body!

Wow! How did I miss this in all my biology classes? Was it just skimmed over? Probably. With this now in place I can look to the Divine Mother and actually relate to her as made in her image! And a male can do the same because he carries her DNA! But that is not all!

This Creatrix Mother Goddess created as that is what all females are capable of doing (don't get me wrong, not all women are to birth children, but we carry the gift of creation in our DNA, more so then men)! She is the Bisexual Goddess Mother! She has all she needs to Create!!!!!

NO, NO, NO....I am NOT just following the patriarchal way and exchanging a Female God for a Male God. You see, there is no basis at all for a Male God, but all the basis in the world for a Feminine Divine!

Oh I could go on and on and there will even be those who follow the Goddess who will disagree with me and that is ok. This is my Journey and my Path!

But when Goddess opens up the window to see the new sights on this Life Journey it is magnificent and I can't drink enough of it in!

And the Journey continues and the older I get the more I will be able to see more windows opened and closed.

Isn't it grand?

Blessed be!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Sometimes Revelation comes in the quiet of the night!

Sometimes Revelation comes in the quiet of the night while reading a most amazing book.

Sometimes Awareness of ones life comes in vivid words laid out on a page of a book written years ago, but just now comes into hands that have been waiting for a read at such a Time as this!

Sometimes it is Time to embrace where one is on this Life Journey and cease looking back and concentrate on Being!

Sometimes is Now Time!

The Great Cosmic Mother co-written by Monica Sjoo &Barbara Mor has changed my life forever. The Sometime is Now Time!

It is simple really. I have known since my teen years that I saw the Divine, who made me in Her Image, as Feminine! I didn't have the words when I was a teen, but what I did know was that there was something totally wrong about the way our society treated and viewed women. I knew that the church, business, government made rules and decisions that kept women as "less than" and took every opportunity possible to demean, abuse and deny rights to women. And I became a radical feminist.

But I still was apart of a church that did so much damage to so many and filled people with fear as the male leaders used their patriarchal power and control to reinforce and encourage misogyny, racism, and sexism. I was still a part of the work force that did not pay women the same as men. I was still a part of a government that tried to deny women the rights to make decisions regarding their own bodies. And I was married to a man who was addicted to pornography and treated women as sex objects with disdain. I had a love/hate relationship with them all.

Finally, I realized that I had to leave the church and my husband and totally embrace in thought, word and deed the Goddess, paganism and witchcraft. I am a vocal spokeswoman for them all.

But wait, this is not the Revelation I have as a result of this marvelous book. But you see, without all my past encounters with the misogynist institutions and family members, I would not have been ripe for the Revelation!

I was a social worker for 35 years. I worked with families caught in the cycle of abuse; with families torn apart by such so that their children had to come into foster care; with pregnant and parenting teens and the elderly on the last part of their journey. I was dedicated and very good at what I did. I knew this was the way Goddess was pouring HerSelf out into the world: using me as Her Vessel.

I then retired from this work and tried my hand at other jobs, and now find myself working part time as an accounts payable assistant.


Well, you see for the past 4 years I have been struggling with no longer "serving my neighbor". I kept thinking I should be volunteering, etc. Every now and again I would give my parents money to donate to their food bank, etc.

Revelation? Get to the point, Deb!

Yep, that quiet night as I was reading, I realized that I had in fact done what I came here to do.

That quiet night, I realized that I did not have to volunteer, give money, etc (unless I want too!) to have a purpose in life and to help my neighbor.


I help others every breath I take. I help others, women in particular, as I speak out to my conservative family members, as I educate others on the Goddess, and as I listened to a co-worker as she made the decision to put her cat down today.


I am now preparing myself for the rest of my Life Journey here and in doing that I am preparing myself for my next Life Journey.

It felt kind of weird when that Revelation came to me. It was as if I was saying my time was done here. And I could hear Goddess Laugh! Why must endings be like....The End! Vamous! Out of here!


I am finished with that part of my life. I am now ready to step into the next which has as a large component: relaxing into the woman I have always been, but now AM!  And most of all Being Present. Not looking back to see where I have been and why I am no longer there, and really not looking forward as to what I should be doing. But Being Present!


Yep, pretty simple I know, but big for me. And what did it take but a Powerful Book in my hands at just the right time. Not too early, not too late, but exactly right!

Amazing how She works, right?

Blessed be!