Monday, June 8, 2015
In January, I began Quest 2015 after hearing that word all through the month of December. Yesterday, I completed Book One on this Journey.
Today I began Book 2 with this entry:
"I thought I was on a Healing Quest but now 6 months into it and SEKHMET (Goddess of Anger/Wrath/Peacemaker) came to the surface to show me that was not true. I already was Healed.
I Healed when I threw hundreds of Porn CD's at Bob (now the ex) that night I found, 'Daddy's Little Girl' CD in his briefcase.
I Healed when I disclosed in family therapy his porn addiction and it's impact on me and the children.
I Healed when we sat at the dining room table after his car wreck and told him Steph and I were moving out.
I Healed November 2002, when we moved into our own apartment.
I Healed when I told him I was filing for divorce.
I Healed when the divorce papers came.
I Healed when Pastor Mark and Pastor Gerry told me to stay in the marriage and I left anyway.
I Healed when I went to seminary to find god and found Goddess waiting for me there.
I Healed when I left the Christian Tradition.
I Healed when I put on my Witch Cloak.
I Healed when I told my parents and others.
I Healed when I gave David permission to not 'owe' me anything...not even his attention and love.
The Healing has already been done~~~ a long time ago.
So why do I get triggered by sexual abuse, porn, misogyny, racism, homophobia?
SEKHMET Finally Came To Me!
Here is what She taught me:
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY WOUNDING AND MY ANGER AND WRATH!
You see even before the wounding began, I was aware of the injustices in the World. Hell, I was aware early on that Blacks were lower class according to my family, government, church and society. I remember the Colored bathrooms and bus seats. And even as a young girl I was questioning and mad about it. I was angry when as a teen, that I couldn't be an acolyte or carry a cross in the service because I was a girl. And I fit right into the 60's with all this awareness and righteous anger!
SEKHMET has always been in my DNA~~~~ I just didn't know Her name! I just knew I was angry at a bunch of stuff.
My Parents had it Wrong!
My Family had it Wrong!
My Neighbors had it Wrong!
My Church had it Wrong!
My Government had it Wrong!
I argued with my parents and pastors. I protested the Vietnam War. I marched for Women's Rights, Civil Rights, Environmental rights and Church Change.
AND I BECAME A SOCIAL WORKER to no surprise.
There I could change families, empower women, feed the hungry and stop the abuse. I won the War on many Fronts, but not the Marriage Front (or so I thought). There the Wounding took place.
THE WOUNDED HEALER I became and I was damn good at it!
I wanted to have my own children as that to me was the Promise that the Plan for a better world would happen. And with SEKHMET and Mama Bear by my side I did my best to protect and guide them. But I could not shelter them from their father.
I HAD to stay you see. I HAD no choice. I thought it was the only way to Protect them. And I became the Wrathful Wife. And then when the Cubs could fend for themselves, I could finally leave.
But since then, I was convinced that my Life was about Healing. But like this remarkable Human Body I reside in, I Heal Quickly! And I did! I just didn't know it. Now I do!
SEKHMET poured forth from my DNA and gave name to my Anger, Rage and Wrath. She Provided the definition and form. She provides the framework for my Journey from this point forward. I totally embrace Anger, Rage and Wrath as my own Reaction to ALL that is Wrong in the World.
THIS VOICE I have always been!
So when I see a report about a Judge not punishing a man who raped a 3 year old because the man "did not set out to do harm to the little girl," I post: I HATE MEN AND THE PATRIARCHAL RAPE CULTURE THEY RIDE IN ON! And yes, I mean ALL MEN!
Do I harbor Anger, Rage and Wrath? Yes! Is it ok? Yes? Does it eat me alive and make me unhealthy? Not one bit!
*I am Angry that my parents did nothing to Chuck (my brother) when they found out he had been raping my baby sister for 8 years.
*I have Rage that they continued to have a relationship with him; going on vacations, football games and holiday celebrations.
*I have Anger that my mother almost grieved herself to death when Chuck cut off all contact with her and my dad.
*I am Angry that for whatever the reason, Dad had to tell me about his affair and that she looked just like me.
*I am Angry that there are still Secrets in my Family.
*I am Angry that the man who fathered my children was so addicted to porn and so narcissistic that he would not give that up, even tho' it was wounding his wife and his children.
*I have Rage that my son suffers from Mental Illness and there are limited resources to help him and others.
*I am Angry that the Church brainwashes still and controls the government (along with NRA).
*I am Angry about the War on Women, Immigrants, and Homosexuals.
*I am full of Wrath toward the Porn Industry.
*I am full of Wrath toward the Patriarchal Rape Culture that rules the World.
And all the While I set the Goddess Table of Peace each morning as that is the Other Side of SEKHMET and of me!
I have not been Broken and Wounded for a Long Time. Those who meant to hurt me, did not win.
When my Heart was Cut out, I grew another fuller one!
When my Voice Box was removed, I grew a new one with larger Pipes!
When others Rights were being Smashed, I joined in and picked them up with the New Hands I had grown when mine were removed.
And when my Brain was being rewired, I took wire cutters and dissected away the horrific lies and control messages.
Oh no~~~~~ I am NOT Healing~~~~ I Healed right after each cut, each bashing, each body part removal.
I move on this Journey in Wisdom, Self-Love and my own Affirmations of my Worth.
It is a New Day! Me and my Traveling companions:
SEKHMET ME HEKATE
Mama Bear Shewa Wolf Lioness"
Thursday, June 4, 2015
I am happy that at 62 years of age, I still stand in awe of how I can be surprised and amazed at how life unfolds. Here is my SEKHMET story.
So, two weeks ago, I was having my massage and during a most relaxing healing hands session, I traveled to my Clearing and there met up with Hekate. There were questions I needed answers to, but instead she gave me Lioness as a new (yea, right!) traveling spirit animal. She joins my long time spirit animals: Wolf and Brown Bear.
That was the answer to why I keep hearing: "He will Drown!"? What??? Come on Hekate, I need answers not another animal companion. But I did not say any of that to Hekate and really I like Lions so I was pleased, just sent away without answers. Or so I thought.
Gotta hate a Goddess who won't let you know what is going on!!!!
When I came home, I began to research the Energy brought by Lioness. She is a message of balance as she moves in both the day and night; prudence, keep an even mind, do not overdo, strength, courage, royality, dignity, power, authority, justice, wisdom and ferocity.
Balance had been a theme the entire week before, at both home and at work.
This gift was given on a Monday, Tuesday I called off work. Yes, I had been very out of balance, yes I had allowed others to set my agenda and suck all the life out of me, yes I had given my power to others and forgot that I was born with the heart of dignity, justice, wisdom and ferocity.
I sure was happy to have Lioness now in my life as one of my three traveling spirit companions.
Well, this was not the end of the story. Hekate had sent her also to open my mind to realize another Goddess had been with me since I can remember but I did not know Her. She knew I needed to embrace this Goddess in my Psyche Archetype Committee and it was now!
You see, it was time for me to complete the Banishment Poppet Ritual regarding the ex. This man is a sexual pervert, mysognist, narcissistic, evil man who wounded me and my two children deeply. I needed to embrace my Rage and Anger as the Shadow part of me that had been stolen by the Patriarchal Culture all my life. OH yes, I would get mad and be full of rage over a lot of things, but it was not totally under control and not well thought out AND I would then feel guilty as hell for months on end.
You see, I was the good girl. I was the well behaved first born. I was Susie Christian. I was the best employee, friend, sister, daughter....you name it I was Susie Sunshine who helped others, watched out for others and always forgave anyone who wronged me. But deep inside Pele was spewing lava all over the place and every now and then it would spew out. Everyone would be shocked and remind me that was not "me" and then the guilt would set in. In fact, after arguments with the ex, it was me who would go out and buy him something or go overboard to make it all right because by arguing and yelling I was not being the peacemaker and sweet wife I was to be.
OK, back to SEKHMET.... wow, I can get off point!
So, one evening I went looking for a piece of paper to write on and pulled out a notebook from my shelf. I didn't remember, but 5 years ago I had been reading the book Godddesses in Older Women and taking notes in this notebook.
I opened it and yep you got it: There in highlighted words was this:
GODDESS OF TRANSFORMATIVE WRATH
HER NAME IS OUTRAGE
HER NAME IS SEKHMET
Next highlighted on the page:
GODDESS OF WRATH AND PEACE!
He name means Powerful. She is Protectress with strength and ability to spring upon evildoers and transgressors.
She does not initiate or provoke conflict, but when divine order is threatened, she responds with the direct savagery of a protective lioness.
She is a healer and is associated with both life and death (I was a Douala and present at deaths) and her presence is invoked in situation of life and death (social worker).
She is the embodiment of Earth (I am Virgo and must be outside).
SEKHMET is Triple Goddess: Creator, Sustainer of life (healer), Destroyer
Then this was quoted from the book: "Women often come to know Destroyer as they age; as they live long enough to see the damage from neglect/abuse on next generations and realize a lot of suffering could have been prevented."
As I spent time with SEKHMET she had me travel back in time with her and see where in fact along with Hekate, she was a driving force in my passion for the marginalized, for the abused and neglected, for how others are treated. She showed me that I fought hard for those and for my own children. Even by staying in the marriage for 30 years I was fighting to right a wrong, but it was not my fight... I was trying to be a Peacemaker in a forest were I could never win the fight.
What she also revealed to me was that I was out of balance even then. I had too much Guilt from the patriarchal family, church and society I was raised in and it undid all the change I was trying to make in the forest I was living in.
I love being 62 and having the opportunity to understand how life unfolded so far. I am glad SEKHMET was there with me, because at least in my career as a social worker I did help many make positive changes and I was a part of changes much needed in the community, in families, and even a tad bit in the church.
But the only way to make a major change in my life was to take my cubs (then adults) and walk out of that destructive marriage forest. It was time for us to find somewhere else to live.
So that is the story so far. What to glean from this is to Listen and Watch and never take anything for granted. Goddess is always ready to open that door, we have chosen to close, at just the right time.
Welcome Lionness! Welcome SEKHMET!
Now time to get to work!
Blessed be and love!