Sea Gulls and Me

I have started walking before dawn again. I love the coolness and that time between the deep sleep and the gentle awakening of another day. There has always been something magical about that time of day for me. This morning was no different. As I was walking and the birds were singing and I was giving thanks to Goddess for the dawning of a new day, I remembered a time when I became very aware of how connected we are with Nature!

When I go on vacation to the beach, I make sure I walk on the beach every morning before the rising of the Sun. On this one particular day, Goddess revealed Her message of Connectivity in a visual and profound way.

Walking in the dark on the beach is a magical moment all by itself. Nothing but the waves flowing in and out; no other sounds; not even birds. It is the Stillness that I adore. And on this particular morning I was in prayer when the sea gulls began to arrive. They are the first to wake up and look for food it seems. Then the sky began to lighten. It is gradual you know; nothing out of the ordinary on this morning; I just kept walking and watching the horizon so that with the first glimpse of the sun I could stop and face this magnificent gift of the Earth Turning!

And I did. I stopped and turned to the horizon; the waves still breaking onto the shore; more birds arriving; and I began to worship the Goddess of Love and Light! And then you know that feeling that you get that you are not alone? Well, I got that and thought someone had walked up beside me, so I looked over and saw no one. Then my eyes were pulled down to the sand and there standing right beside me were two sea gulls also facing the rising Sun!

They were not moving or making a sound; just standing there beside this human; the three of us in Awe and Worship of the Magic of Goddess here on the beach! I barely could breathe being overwhelmed at how alike we all are; how responsible we are for each other; and how we all Know the Creatress!

It was as if time stood still, but soon the sun fully rose and the gulls went about their way looking for breakfast. It took me awhile to begin my walk back to the cottage; it was all so surreal! Goddess in all Her Glory showed up on the Beach of Nags Head that sacred morning. I was forever changed!

Moments like these use to be few and far between for me. I think now it was only because I wasn't prepared to see that clearly through the Veil! But now, She Speaks to me on almost a daily basis. Sometimes in the mundane and sometimes in the Awesomeness of Her Creation.

My heart was warm as I walked with this memory today! Many I have told just smile and say, "that must have been cool," but I can see in their eyes they think I must be making it up. But I don't think I could make up such a story. Me and two sea gulls worshiping together on the beach?

Who knew Goddess had such a sense of humor?

Blessed be!

What Raft shall we choose?

“Your raft, the poet said, floats upon the sea of life. It drifts up with the tide, and down with the ebb. But the goddess is there. The goddess is always there.”

Indian poet Ramakrishma

I remember beach trips. We would take our rafts out into the ocean. We would lay on them “catching some rays” as we waited for the next wave to ride our way onto the shore. Laughter, giggles, high 5’s as we made our way back out into the ocean so we could do it again. No fear, just laughter and fun times. There was “we”!

And times came when the raft became a symbol for that which we hang on to so we aren’t overwhelmed by the vicious storms we find ourselves in. The hard part most of the time is discovering who or what becomes our raft.

Some choices will deflate as soon as we jump on. Maybe there was a weak part in the raft or maybe the raft was too small to hold our weight. Some choices just seem to have a slow leak and before we know it the air is completely gone and we are left out in the storm hanging on to that which cannot support us.

And then there are the choices that keep us afloat; that become a “life line” to survival. Those are the choices that “drift with the tide and down with the ebb.” Those are the choices that sometimes have us ride the current as we avoid the drowning riptide; sometimes have us wait for the storm to pass and sometimes has us point the raft right into the storm holding on for dear life.

Ramakrishma reminds us that no matter; the Goddess is there. She is there when we pass up Her Raft and choose one with a hole in it. She is there when our raft choice is Her. She is there to pick us up and wash the sand out of our eyes, She is there to replace the deflated raft; She is there to find us aimlessly floating with no direction.  

The Goddess is there. She is the Choice! And you know what? Her raft is free with no strings attached! She is the Raft!  There is “we”!

Blessed be!

My friend killed himself last week

Death.
The Wheel Turns.
But what happens when death comes before it's time?
Why do the good die and the bad stick around?

A good friend of mine took his life last week. On Saturday, he went to finish up paperwork at the job where he was recently let go due to downsizing. He had worked there a long time and this was unexpected. He lost his job at a time when he should have been celebrating with his family. His son will be graduating from college in 6 weeks; his daughter has her Senior Prom in two weeks and graduates from high school in June with plans to go to college. My friend lost his job and lost his life as his despair overwhelmed him.

What was going through is mind as he received the "pink slip" and realized that in 6 months the college loans would come due from his first born and he had his second child entering college in the fall? Did the vision of all these expenses get the best of him?

What was going through his mind as he left his home saying he was going to the office one last time and would be home in time to get ready for the symphony; date night with his wife of ever so long? They had been through so much in their marriage and traveled that journey with so much love and understanding.

What was going through his mind as he drove instead to that bridge over the river? Was he calculating how much money the insurance policies would give his family so their dreams could come true?

What was going through his head as he got out of the car and walked to the edge of the bridge and gazed down at the rushing river? How was it to make the decision to fall into the nourishing waters of Gaia?

There is something surreal about imagining my friend up on that bridge and jumping while his family was at home making preparations for life's wonderful and exciting transitions. There is also something soothing about knowing that as he fell into the rushing water that Goddess enveloped him into her watery world and said, "Come home, you who have been faithful, but can no longer walk this journey."

We will never know the answers to these questions of course. He left no note or last phone call. He had to do what he had to do. The family is devastated and is in shock. They will bury him on Friday. And the daughter will go to Prom without her dad to tell her what a beautiful princess she is and his son will graduate college and not have his dad there to cheer him on. His wife sleeps alone in a bed that was once shared by lovers taking one day at a time.

But the day came when the darkness was too great for my friend and he had to jump. I don't believe that he will be punished for this action in the after life and I hope his family doesn't either. I believe that Goddess was there to walk him to Her place of healing, love and light. And She will be there to walk with his wife and children as their darkness turns back into light; however long that may be.

But there is a lingering question that I have, that I always seem to have when someone who has been so good and kind and faithful and supportive and giving and loving dies before their life is complete. The question is why? Why them and not someone who does evil things? Why does the man who abused his kids and still does in their adulthood get to walk the earth and yet my friend decided he could not? Why?

Other unanswered questions in a world that seems so unfair.

And yet the Wheel Turns.
Death comes.
And we continue to walk the path laid out before us until our Wheel Turns from Life to Death.

I pray from this family. It will be a long haul as they move to their New Normal. I am sad for them and sad that I am not living close to them any longer. All I have is the written word right now and that will have to be enough! Blessings on them and others who find themselves in this Land of Questions.

Blessed be!

What are we to do with you Mary?

I was looking for something I had written and came across a file of Christian Goddess devotions I was writing at one time. I wrote many devotions, but as I was making my transition from God to Goddess and from Christianity to Paganism, I spend many hours with the women in the Bible. The United States is once again on a Witch hunt...they are demeaning women and using the Bible to show their right to do so; attacking women right at the most vulnerable place: our sexuality; our gift of birthing life into the world! With that in mind I want to post one of the Christian Goddess Devotions I wrote and no one has ever read! Blessed be!

Mary, mother of Jesus

Oh, Mary what are we to do with you? You have been the subject of much controversy since the resurrection of your Son. The early Church Fathers struggled with why God would choose to come into the world born of a human woman. The early Church Fathers needed to make you pure and without ever sinning. You had to be so very different than any other human female because how could Jesus, Who is God, grow in the womb of sinful “Eve” and then arrive into the world through the tainted birth canal. Our God wouldn’t make that choice! So, they had to make you something you were not. They made you into an untouched woman who was born without original sin.

If this is so, Mary, then what do we do with your mother and all the mothers back to Eve? What do we do with women in general? What makes us so unusable that throughout time, the Church has struggled with what to do with us? Who decided to deny the role of women in God’s great and mysterious cosmic plan?

Oh Mary, what do we do with you? We must honor and adore you! We must see ourselves in you as being worthy of God’s perfect call on our lives. We see in you that God impregnates us all with a desire to bring the Divine into the world, to birth God right into the midst of our lives and the lives of others. We are all worthy of having God appear to us and say: “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

And God does, but we choose to believe what the world says to us. The world tells us we are less than, we are unworthy and we are not favored. Many religious will look at Eve as causing The Fall therefore, she is certainly the worst of the worst and all women after her are the same.

But God showed us differently. God could have come into the world any way that God wanted to, but you see God chose Mary. God chose to grow in the precious womb of a woman and be born into the world as we all are. What a marvelous plan of God’s!

When we feel we are not worthy of God’s call on our lives we must look to Mary. We must converse with her and let her show us that God chooses us all, no matter where we live, how we look, or what we have done in the past or are doing in the present. God loves us just the way we are, but like Mary God has no plans to leave us like we are.

Mary was changed in an instant, she chose to accept God’s call and she nurtured God’s call in a way only a woman could. She nourished the Divine within her own body, gave birth to the Devine and nourished the Divine throughout His life.

What are we to do with you, Mary? We are to look into your eyes and see ours. You are us and we are you. Chosen, adored, loved, and highly favored! We are to believe it, for it is true! 

So Mote It Be! 

Goddess teaches the difference between Listen and Obey

I am so glad I have started walking when I get up in the morning before work. I had forgotten how sacred this time is that I get to spend with Goddess as the world begins to wake up. So it was this morning as Goddess taught me about Listening.

It began as I was once again feeling so bad about the choices I made in my past; particularly the one to marry the man I did when I was 20 years old. My daughter has been having a hard time lately as she makes her own journey to be released from the chains of the abuse by her father. When she does it brings up my own regrets and sorrows. And once again I heard mySelf saying to Goddess: "I am so sorry I didn't listen to you and do what you told me to do (or rather not to do). I guess this is my punishment for not obeying you."

And She spoke to me about Listening and Obeying. 

Obeying, She said, denotes power and control.
Listening, She said, denotes a mutual relationship; one of give and take.

Obeying, She said, comes with a punishment.
Listening, She said, comes with lessons learned and with consequences (different from punishment).

As we conversed (yes, I do in fact talk out loud to her sometimes on my walk; probably another reason I love the time before dawn as I'm really the only one out walking!) I began to see clearly the difference.

In my Christian upbringing, I was taught to obey God. I was taught that when I died that God would open his book and there would be all my sins and he would decide my punishment, so obeying was in my best interest. It was all afterlife punishment and it was power and control of those speaking the words to me. This was also how I was parented: obey your parents or you get a spanking (I got lots of these!). Now my parents would say, "I told you to listen to me!" before the smack came, but it wasn't about listening, it was about obeying to avoid the punishment.

As I have walked with the Goddess on this pagan path, I have left behind that teaching of the judgmental afterlife which would determine whether I went to hell or heaven. What I have gained is the knowledge that how I behave every day has its consequences now and not later. That I am responsible for my actions upon myself and all creation!

Listening denotes a relationship where I honor the one talking and trust that they are leading me in the best direction for me. Listening denies the Ego's control of what I want to do and moves me to look at what is best for me and for others. 

Goddess spoke to me many times during the courtship phase of this relationship. She spoke to me through others and I chose not to listen. And so I married a man that was not in my best interest and would result in terrible consequences for me and my children. Goddess spoke to me during the marriage so often I have lost count, BUT I would not leave the marriage as I was afraid that God would be mad since I made promises in church to "love and obey until death does us part," which translated into "you will have hell to pay when you die if you leave this abusive man!"

And so I had children by this man. I had two miscarriages and then my two children were born. I think Goddess was asking me to listen then too, but I insisted on tests to determine the cause of the miscarriages and then had medical interventions to carry children to term. As a result my oldest son inherited the paternal mental illness and my daughter continues her struggle to find a way to be released from the chains that still bind her to a father she wants no part of and doesn't except in her dreams and anxiety. These are the real life consequences of not Listening.

Oh don't get me wrong, I adore my children and are so happy they were born even tho' my son rues the day that he was.

I learned a lot this morning walking with Goddess. I could give up the fear that this is Karma and I will still have a hell of a time when I die. I could give up the fear that Goddess would punish me for not listening to Her about this man.

I do take responsibility for my actions and for the life I brought upon mySelf and my children. I know I cannot go back, but what I can do now is be there for them with my new found knowledge and hopefully help them heal!

I hope I am a better Listener these days! It is a freer way of living! It is a breath of fresh air that only Goddess can give! But most of all is the Way of the Goddess. She engages and She waits for us to Listen. She doesn't get mad, She doesn't threaten, She doesn't stop talking. In fact, She keeps talking and keeps offering opportunities for us to Listen and Converse with Her.

How I wish I would have known this soon! But how blessed I am that Goddess kept Speaking until I was ready to Listen!

Blessed be!

Sacred Swing

When I moved to South Carolina almost 2 years ago; I took 6  months off from work to listen to the Voice of the Goddess and discern the path that She was leading me on. Blessed I am to live in an apartment complex that is in walking distance of the Lake and that has a Gazebo on one of the coves. I spent many mornings, afternoons and evening meditating and listening while sitting on the swing. This became known to me as the Sacred Swing.

This place was rich with the Voice of Gaia! Goddess spoke to me in ways I had never experienced before and I could hear Her in the movement of the water, the blowing of the air currents, the singing of the birds and the buzzing of the bees. I could see Her in the gentle gliding motion of the birds and the playfulness of the squirrels. This was a most Sacred Place and I grew and I healed and I made my total dedication to the Goddess here on the Sacred Swing.

But one day I arrived at the Lake and realized that the Swing was gone. I hurried to the apartment office and asked where the swing was. The manager told me that it had been stolen! Stolen! The Sacred Swing at the Lake was stolen! She said it would be replaced but by something else. I found it difficult to stay at the Lake and commune with Goddess without the swing there. The energy was dark and foreboding. Two weeks later the swing was replaced.

I was mortified and could hear Goddess weeping. The wooden swing was replaced with a metal glider but what was more disturbing was that it was chained to the wooden posts around it with a big thick yellow chain. The energy was stifling! I could barely breathe. I felt like I was smothering as the gazebo became a place of coldness and bondage and mistrust and power and control! I tried, I tell you I tried, to sit on this glider and to hear the Voice of Gaia, but there was nothing but silence.

And so my walks every day always took me to the Lake, but I couldn't go to the gazebo and sit like I did the first summer I lived here. Oh I would walk down and get close to the Lake and as I did I realized that graffiti had been painted on the walls and one of the picnic tables had been broken up and turned into fire wood. What had happened to this lovely place, this place where I felt safe and where I actually felt I was in a holy place?

And in my pondering over the past year, Goddess began to show me how quickly human beings can change the energy of a place. She had me stop and realize that after the swing was stolen, the management decided to show they had more power and control than did the people who stole the swing in the first place. But they went a step further and showed their power by chaining up that which was there for pleasure.

And I went home and this is what I wrote:

Sadness at the Lake

There was a Sadness as I approached the Lake.

Grandmother Tree waited for me to pause and greet her with a hug. I gazed up and smiled at the beautiful green leaves adorning her sky-reaching branches.

But there was a Sad Energy about.

As I approached the Lake the Sadness became like a thick fog and even with the cool breeze, the air was stagnant.

The Sacred Swing had been stolen weeks ago and now the Replacement had arrived. A cherry yellow metal Glider was in Her place along with a picnic table. “Why the Sadness?” I asked. “Come closer,” the cherry yellow Glider said.

Before I got there I looked out at the Lake and saw a Stillness like never before. The Sadness coming from the Water was unexpected until I saw the oil and gasoline from the boats floating on the top. There was no bottom, barely a reflection, just Sadness.

I walked quickly, wanting to try out the new glider, but as I approached I could hear a gentle cry and the Sadness enveloped me like a glove. “Why the Sadness?” I asked again. “Look closely,” said the Glider and I saw the chains. The Glider and Table were chained together and to the railing with a bright thick yellow Chain.

I sat on the Glider telling Her it would be OK; telling her that I would make this Sacred Space. But as I sat there I imagined all the things, all the people, all the doctrines and dogmas that had kept me in bondage for so long.

I grieved that we have to chain our things, our thoughts, our loved ones in order to keep them safe. I grieved the message. I grieved the purpose.

This is Sacred Space. All of our Bondage, our Pain and our Sadness is Sacred Space. I could choose to not go back, but then I would acknowledge that the Sadness won and that it had all the power.

Instead, I will return with Sage in hand, prayers on my lips and in spite of the symbols of Bondage, I will open the way for the Cherry Yellow Glider to be a blessing in the midst of Her Captivity.

And so may it be for us all!

But unfortunately the Sadness never left~~~~~~~ until Today!

Much to my surprise as I stopped by Grandmother Tree, I noticed a change in the Energy of the Place! I looked and there were two new wooden swings in the Gazebo and the Yellow Glider was gone. I literally ran down and realized that the graffiti had been painted over, the trash all picked up and I rejoiced! I sat on the swing and thanked Goddess for restoring this Sacred Place.

We are all in bondage somewhere in our lives. And sometimes we have our peace stolen from us by another or even by ourselves. And for a time we are lost and sad. But then just a small change comes into our lives by another or even by our own doing and we are free again! It is like the Turning of the Wheel!

I love that they placed two swings here in this Place! I can imagine friends sitting across from one another enjoying each others company or children swinging as their parents cook hamburgers on the small grill. Or for me; I imagine sitting in one and talking to Goddess who will be swinging in the other. The Wheel Turns!

Blessed be!

The Monk in Me

There was a time oh not so long ago when I knew the Monk in Me! I was so close to God/Jesus that I could taste him, feel him and hear him. The only thing I wanted to do was to worship him, speak about him , sing about him and imagine myself in his loving arms! He was my love story. But the fact was I had a love/hate relationship with the idea of this God; the God that the Church said was the only God. I fought like heck to understand all this about original sin; about our need to have God send HimSelf to Earth so He could die; so He could then look on us poor pitiful humans with some sort of love and enjoyment. I entered the drama of Lent and Holy Week as I grieved for this Man God who HAD to be tortured, beaten and crucified because I was such an awful person! And in the depths of my very heart and soul I could hear Her Whispers! I could hear Goddess calling my name!

I knew my path was different, but I tried to make it the same as all the other Christians. Oh I was so incredibly involved in this Church of the Male God of Judgement and Anger and Hate. But this wasn't the Jesus I knew. It couldn't be. But I was told that they were the same. And so I believed. But then an amazing thing happened. Goddess spoke to me in a loud and clear voice. She spoke to me and chains began to break. It was a slow process. Kinda scary opening up enough to believe something that could mean you were going to hell. Oh yes, that hell that the Church uses for power and control. What if I'm wrong? What if leaving this Tradition means I will not be saved and will burn in hell forever? What if I'm wrong?

And that is where I began. Did I believe in a God who would damn me if I believed in something different? Did I believe in a loving God or a damning God? That's where I had to start. And Goddess called my name! She began to put Voice to the hunger in my heart to know a Divine Being Who looked like Me! She began to put Voice to the desire to know the Divine who held us each responsible for our own behaviors and actions and not on some mythical story of Adam and Eve and how "we are in bondage to sin and cannot free ourselves."

The journey was long coming and had really begun when I was in my teens. (One of the gifts of growing older is the ability to look back and begin to see the puzzle pieces fit together!). And I still have so far to go.

I use to know the Monk in Me!

Now I know the Goddess in Me! I walk among Gaia's Garden and Her Voice teaches me, holds me, loves on me! I walk among Her Garden and see Life and Death and the Wheel turning and changing! I walk among  Her Garden and I know I believe in a loving Goddess Who enjoys Her Creations all the time and wants us to do the same. 

This Monk in Me was a necessary part of the journey. For awhile I resented the Monk, but now I can say thank you; thank you for teaching me to question, to search and to desire a relationship with the Divine in a way that embraces ALL people, all creatures, all religions and beliefs or non beliefs in a loving and understanding manner.

But now the Goddess in Me is open to new and wonderful understandings every moment I breathe. No longer being Told What to believe; no longer believing that I am a terrible person; no longer having a love/hate relationship with the Creatress! I belong to Her and no Other! But the forms She takes vary from day to day; moment to moment; year to year! That my dear friends, is refreshing and delightful!

Namaste!