In Letting Go, Love Flows Most Freely

Life is full of Letting Go's!

When I was pregnant with my children, I grieved and rejoiced in the Letting Go, as they left the safety of my womb. The Cord was cut and I had to Let Go of it being only Us.

The first day of Day Care, I had to Let Go, as someone else was going to be raising my child during the day while I was at work. 

And then it was the First Day of Preschool, Kindergarten, Middle School, High School and College. There was the first day they took the car out by themselves; the first dance, date and first Scout badge, first swim meet and first week away camp. 

Life is full of Letting Go's! 

It is how we do the Letting Go's that is important. You see, all the Letting Go's are both Dying and Living times. We grieve the Letting Go of what is, for what will be. We grieve the little boy becoming a young man and then an adult. We grieve the little girl becoming a young woman and then an adult. We grieve as they pack up their things and move into their first apartment. 

But if we rejoice in all of this Letting Go, we send our children off with the greatest blessings on earth. We tell them that we honor that the Journey is their own and not ours. We are just invited along for the ride, or not! 

Life is full of Letting Go's! 

I think tho' what is the hardest is when it comes to Letting Go of someone as they make their Transition from this world to the next. This Letting Go carries burdens that we cannot be prepared for. How we do this Letting Go is a blessing to both our loved one and to ourselves. 

Many of us even hold on to Life as if in doing that we will live forever.

We don't do Letting Go well in this culture. We are taught to hang on to everything; our money, our possessions, our traditions, our family and our beliefs. We hang on to all of these because they are familiar. 

So, as I watch the Leaves Fall from the Trees, I wonder what we are to learn? The Tree births beautiful flowers and leaves in the Spring, uses them for nesting birds and for shade and most definitely to provide us oxygen! And yet, most trees then enter the Season of Letting Go. The Tree pulls back the nourishment to the leaves so their brilliance can come forth and then they must fall to the ground. To become one with the ground, give back to the ground, decay and provide nourishment to the tree for the next season's birthing. It's a Cycle you see. 

And so is our Letting Go! I have learned of late that it is In the Letting Go, that Love Flows Most Freely. When I no longer "hold on" I am free to Love deeply and unconditionally. I give because I want to, not because I think it is what I should do or must do. I say good bye with a genuine longing in my heart for the next hello. In the Letting Go, my Love for another flows most freely.

Letting Go is hard, frustrating, full of grief and loss. It is why we hold on so tightly. For you see, when we actually Let Go, we are giving up our need for Power and Control. In Letting Go, Love Flows Most Freely. 

I Let Go of a lot this Year with much struggle and trepidation. What would my life look like when I finally Let Go of all that needed to be Let Go of. I discovered that it looks like 

                                              Love Flowing Freely. 

Blessed be! 

 

A Journey to the Cave with Hecate

During a massage in February, I have this Vision. Walking with Hecate right now through an online Journey, I re-membered meeting with Her in the Clearing and what She taught me at that time.

THE VISION

I arrived in The Clearing, the field full of Spring Flowers. I stood and soaked up the clear blue skies and scents of Spring. To my right, just outside the Tree Line, sat Hecate in Her Triple Goddess Forms. Maiden, Mother, Crone, around the Fire Pit, sewing together pieces of a QUILT.

Crone spoke: 'Come sit, my daughter.'

I sat and waited an Eternity.

Crone spoke: 'You did not finish the QUILT of your marriage. You have patches left undone. You have unfinished business.'

Crone spoke: 'We are the VOICE of all WOMEN and as such certain pieces of your QUILT must be A Dark Completion. GO TO THE CAVE!' She said as She went back to Her sewing with arthritic hands.

THE CAVE

The Cave is where I have joined the Sisters of the Goddess Table in many visions. There is a Red Crystal Table at the entrance. But today, no food was set and no Sisters present.

Shortly the Fae came up from the depths of the Cave and escorted me into Gaia's Womb. There, where many Healing Visions have taken place, the Fae took off my clothing and bathed me. Then I was robed and jewels placed on my head.

GIRLS AND WOMEN of all ages, all races, all religions, all economic status; all Girls and Women began pouring out from the Dark Crevices and up from the holes in the ground of Gaia's Womb. Some clothed but most covered in Veils of SHAME, and many naked with SCARS and WOUNDS blazing brightly. I stood in the middle of Gaia's WOMB as these Girls and Women surrounded me. This Chant began:

WE ARE THE PROSTITUTES!
WE ARE THE SEX-TRAFFICKED ONES!
WE ARE THE ANOREXIA, THE BULIMIC, THE OBESE!
WE ARE THE PORN ONES!
WE ARE THE BEATEN, THE BURNED!
WE ARE THE RAPED ONES!
WE ARE THE ROBBED AND MURDERED ONES!
WE ARE THE SEXUALLY ABUSED ONES!
WE ARE THE HUNGRY, THE COLD, THE LOST AND THE FORGOTTEN!
WE ARE THE INVISIBLE ONES!

WE HAVE NO VOICE!
YOU MUST BE OUR VOICE!

My tears flowed, as I have been a VOICE for so long and I am weary of the JOURNEY.
I know their plight.
I know THE VEIL OF SHAME.

And I knew why Crone sent me here. My VOICE will never be done. Never! I am not finished with the pieces of the QUILT that will banish one man from continuing to hurt women. I am THESE WOMEN and THESE WOMEN are ME! And we are THE DIVINE FEMALE!

I asked the Fae to bring Food and Drink, and we sat and ate together as we shared OUR stories. We sat and ate together as we weaved the Healing Quilt of Sisterhood. We continued writing HerStory!

The Time came for me to go. I hugged them all, and was escorted from the Womb of Gaia. Some of the Girls and Women came with me, but many were not ready to leave behind their Veils of Shame, Abuse, Hurt, Betrayal. They will remain nestled in Gaia's Womb while the rest of us Speak Boldly our Stories. As each of us do, another Woman is empowered to be Birthed into the World of Healing and Wholeness.

I, and many others, will be waiting for their Birth at the entrance of the Cave; just like Demeter waited for Her daughter Persephone to arrive. It is our words, our VOICES that will bring on the Labor Pains and the Ultimate Full Birthing of the Goddess into the World!

Blessed be!

(My soul collage card)

EVE

I don't think I have ever done a book review here on my blog, but after reading Eve by Wm. Paul Young I just knew I had to find a way to get out my frustration! So this will be a book review like none other, I am sure!

So, this Young guy is the "bestselling author of The Shack." Yes, I read the Shack when I was a Christian and jumped for joy that God was a huge black woman! I had many upset parishioners claiming blasphemy at such a thought, and I would gently remind them that it was a piece of fiction and not a theological writing; all the while giggling inside myself.

So, I thought Eve just had to be about Eve being God or in control of the entire creation thing, etc. Oh was I surprised.

Now it took a bit to get to it. This book has a "sci-fi" lend to it, but there it came.... slapped me right in the face. Now Young calls this Male God, Adonani. (which is in fact one of God's names) So, Lily, who has come a a Witness to Creation, watches as Adonani bears down in labor and pushes Adam out of HIS (yep, that pronoun is used for Adonani) God womb. And then, Adonani lifts Adam to HIS breasts and feeds HIS most glorious creation. Ok, I almost stopped reading at that point. (As a Christian teenager I was almost thrown out of Sunday School class when I objected to a Male God giving birth to anything!)

But alas, I kept reading.

Well, Adam gets bored of naming all the animals and demands that Adonani give him someone like himself. So, Adam becomes PREGNANT with Eve, and Adonani has to perform a C-Section (my words here, in the book it says Adonani cut Eve out of Adam). And then holy fucking shit.... Adam nurses Eve at his breasts, and then raises her to adulthood which in Eden time takes like one chapter!

Now, I did get a bit interested here when we find out that the serpent and Adam are in cahoots with each other to set Eve up to eat the Fig (not an apple if you want to be biblical). Then when Adonani finds them with the leaves on their private parts Adam and the serpent blame Eve for making them eat the fig and laugh when Adonani seems to believe them. Well, it is Adam who is blamed for the Fall and He is escorted out of the Garden along with the serpent who is now a lowly snake and Eve gets to stay in Eden.

Ok, I thought ..... I like this! BUT here is how the story goes; every day Adam comes to the walls of Eden that he can't see through and begs Eve to come with him. He is so lonely, and life is so hard. Well, Eve can see him and goes to Adonani and tells Him that she wants to go be with Adam. She loves him so much even tho', he set her up, lied, betrayed her, etc etc etc. And she needs to go and be with him. She promised to bear his sons, she misses him so much! And so, she goes and does just that.

Glad it was near the end of the book. I thought I was going to vomit. Supposedly, the point of this story is that God loves HIS children no matter what they do, but they have to suffer for not obeying him. Oh and by the way.... Lilith gets a small part when Lily is told that is who she really is, but omg..... thank goodness that was not true cause Lilith was bad Karma in the "MYTHOLOGICAL story".

Would I recommend this book. HELL NO!!!!

It continues the story that a Male God fucking got pregnant, had a vagina and birthed things into the world and then developed breasts so to feed everything. It continues the story that women are to follow and stay with "their" man who gives birth to who they are no matter what.

It reminds me of one of the first things the EX said to me when we moved in together. He said, "I am here to help you reach your potential. To become everything you can become." What he meant was HIS POTENTIAL AND EVERYTHING HE WANTED ME TO BECOME. He defined me, just like Adam defined Eve.

Oh Young tried at times to make Eve out to have so much power but in the end she did not. She too turned from this God but she did so in order to turn to her domineering husband.

Here is what part of the back cover says about this book: "Eve opens a refreshing conversation about the equality of men and women within the context of our beginnings, helping us see each other as our Creator does.... complete, unique, and not constrained by cultural rules or limitations."

I must have read a different book.

The end!

The Gift of Time!

I must confess I am a 1st born, Type A, work driven, perfectionist. I like to be busy and to have a purpose. I like to stir the Cauldron to bring attention to issues I am passionate about.

Much has been on my mind of late about this personality I have had since, oh I don't know...BIRTH!

What I have been meditating on is this: Is it possible that my Purpose for journeying this lifetime has been fulfilled? Have I already done the work I came to do? If so, then what does that mean for the rest of my life here on this Journey? Is my "Life" over, as I know it?

I have spent much time with SEKHMET this week as I ponder these questions.

Here is what She told me in no uncertain words!!!!!

1. Yes, I have completed my "purpose" in life. I came to be the Mama Bear ,not only for my own children, but for those children who were abused and neglected and abandoned for the 33 years I did social work. I then was the Mama Bear the 2 years I did International and Domestic Adoptions. Even at seminary, I had adopted daughters and sons, who I mentored through those years in "real life" operating systems.

2.  Well done! I heard SEKHMET say loudly to me.

3. Yes, I have completed my "purpose" in life. I marched for peace and civil rights. I have been a very outspoken Voice for the marginalized, impoverished and forgotten. I have supported causes others would not take a second look at and I stood against the Porn industry when I left the husband of 30 years.

4. Well done! I heard SEKHMET say loudly to me.

Then there was quiet.

So what is my purpose now, SEKHMET? What am I to take on? What cause needs my voice. Am I just being lazy, working only 20 hours a week when I could be working 40 hours a week? Am I crazy for taking my Social Security now, so I can only work 20 hours a week? What am I to do with my time? I feel like a lazy good for nothing woman. No one to care for, no causes I am actively fighting. My mom tells me I should volunteer with all these extra hours I now have. That I should be doing SOMETHING WITH MY TIME!

Here is what I heard:

1.  Your purpose is to now care for YOU! It is YOUR TIME! You have worked more hours than many over your lifetime. You have seen and done things others would cringe at, if they knew all that you did as a social worker. You were the Lionness, the Mama Bear and the Wolf! You howled to make changes in laws. You kept your kids and other kids safe as you possibility could, and you walked the path of Peace all while seeing and experiencing the horrors of abuse, neglect and mental illness outside and inside your home.

2.  Stop feeling guilty that you now have Time for YOU! Stop feeling like you have to fill your time with something others think is worthy. Stop! You deserve now to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, and how you want to do it and with whom you want to do it. That includes doing NOTHING!

3.  You still have a compassionate heart that reaches out to others as you feel called to do so. But now, you have time to sit with me, SEKHMET and learn at my feet! You have time to ponder questions deeper than you have before for no other reason but it is fun and fulfilling; even if you never share it with another human being.

4. You just happened to be called to complete your Big Tasks earlier in your life. Now you are reaping the sweet joy of Living in your own time and space.

And there was Stillness.

Do I know how to do that? Can I really give in to not Planning for the next thing? Can I actually sit and read a book for hours without thinking what I "should" be doing next? Can I actually focus on caring for Me?

It feels right and freeing! It feels like, I have opened up Sacred Space not only for me but for others as well. It feels like the New Beginning that has been bubbling in my Cauldron of late.

Today, I begin to appreciate the Gift of Time; of My Time!

I think I will have a cup of hot cocoa on this 98 degree day and go see how Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione are doing at Hogwarts! And then maybe I will just sit and watch the Hummingbirds stopping by for their evening meal. And then maybe I will watch brainless TV!

Yep....The Gift of Time...Me Time! I earned it the hard way! It is mine!

Blessed be!

Quest 2015 Surprise!!!!

In January, I began Quest 2015 after hearing that word all through the month of December. Yesterday, I completed Book One on this Journey.

Today I began Book 2 with this entry:

"I thought I was on a Healing Quest but now 6 months into it and SEKHMET (Goddess of Anger/Wrath/Peacemaker) came to the surface to show me that was not true. I already was Healed.

I Healed when I threw hundreds of Porn CD's at Bob (now the ex) that night I found, 'Daddy's Little Girl' CD in his briefcase.

I Healed when I disclosed in family therapy his porn addiction and it's impact on me and the children.

I Healed when we sat at the dining room table after his car wreck and told him Steph and I were moving out.

I Healed November 2002, when we moved into our own apartment.

I Healed when I told him I was filing for divorce.

I Healed when the divorce papers came.

I Healed when Pastor Mark and Pastor Gerry told me to stay in the marriage and I left anyway.

I Healed when I went to seminary to find god and found Goddess waiting for me there.

I Healed when I left the Christian Tradition.

I Healed when I put on my Witch Cloak.

I Healed when I told my parents and others.

I Healed when I gave David permission to not 'owe' me anything...not even his attention and love.

The Healing has already been done~~~ a long time ago.

So why do I get triggered by sexual abuse, porn, misogyny, racism, homophobia?

SEKHMET Finally Came To Me!

Here is what She taught me:

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY WOUNDING AND MY ANGER AND WRATH!

You see even before the wounding began, I was aware of the injustices in the World. Hell, I was aware early on that Blacks were lower class according to my family, government, church and society. I remember the Colored bathrooms and bus seats. And even as a young girl I was questioning and mad about it. I was angry when as a teen, that I couldn't be an acolyte or carry a cross in the service because I was a girl. And I fit right into the 60's with all this awareness and righteous anger!

SEKHMET has always been in my DNA~~~~ I just didn't know Her name! I just knew I was angry at a bunch of stuff.  

My Parents had it Wrong!
My Family had it Wrong!
My Neighbors had it Wrong!
My Church had it Wrong!
My Government had it Wrong!

ANGER~~~~~~~RAGE~~~~~~PEACEMAKER

I argued with my parents and pastors. I protested the Vietnam War. I marched for Women's Rights, Civil Rights, Environmental rights and Church Change.

AND I BECAME A SOCIAL WORKER to no surprise.

There I could change families, empower women, feed the hungry and stop the abuse. I won the War on many Fronts, but not the Marriage Front (or so I thought). There the Wounding took place.

THE WOUNDED HEALER I became and I was damn good at it!

I wanted to have my own children as that to me was the Promise that the Plan for a better world would happen. And with SEKHMET and Mama Bear by my side I did my best to protect and guide them. But I could not shelter them from their father.

I HAD to stay you see. I HAD no choice. I thought it was the only way to Protect them. And I  became the Wrathful Wife. And then when the Cubs could fend for themselves, I could finally leave.

But since then, I was convinced that my Life was about Healing. But like this remarkable Human Body I reside in, I Heal Quickly! And I did! I just didn't know it. Now I do!

SEKHMET poured forth from my DNA and gave name to my Anger, Rage and Wrath. She Provided the definition and form. She provides the framework for my Journey from this point forward. I totally embrace Anger, Rage and Wrath as my own Reaction to ALL that is Wrong in the World.

THIS VOICE I have always been!

So when I see a report about a Judge not punishing a man who raped a 3 year old because the man "did not set out to do harm to the little girl," I post: I HATE MEN AND THE PATRIARCHAL RAPE CULTURE THEY RIDE IN ON! And yes, I mean ALL MEN!

Do I harbor Anger, Rage and Wrath? Yes! Is it ok? Yes? Does it eat me alive and make me unhealthy? Not one bit!

*I am Angry that my parents did nothing to Chuck (my brother) when they found out he had been raping my baby sister for 8 years.

*I have Rage that they continued to have a relationship with him; going on vacations, football games and holiday celebrations.

*I have Anger that my mother almost grieved herself to death when Chuck cut off all contact with her and my dad.

*I am Angry that for whatever the reason, Dad had to tell me about his affair and that she looked just like me.

*I am Angry that there are still Secrets in my Family.

*I am Angry that the man who fathered my children was so addicted to porn and so narcissistic that he would not give that up, even tho' it was wounding his wife and his children.

*I have Rage that my son suffers from Mental Illness and there are limited resources to help him and others. 

*I am Angry that the Church brainwashes still and controls the government (along with NRA).

*I am Angry about the War on Women, Immigrants, and Homosexuals.

*I am full of Wrath toward the Porn Industry.

*I am full of Wrath toward the Patriarchal Rape Culture that rules the World.

And all the While I set the Goddess Table of Peace each morning as that is the Other Side of SEKHMET and of me!

I have not been Broken and Wounded for a Long Time. Those who meant to hurt me, did not win.

When my Heart was Cut out, I grew another fuller one!

When my Voice Box was removed, I grew a new one with larger Pipes!

When others Rights were being Smashed, I joined in and picked them up with the New Hands I had grown when mine were removed.

And when my Brain was being rewired, I took wire cutters and dissected away the horrific lies and control messages.

Oh no~~~~~ I am NOT Healing~~~~ I Healed right after each cut, each bashing, each body part removal.

I move on this Journey in Wisdom, Self-Love and my own Affirmations of my Worth.

It is a New Day! Me and my Traveling companions:
SEKHMET     ME     HEKATE
Mama Bear     Shewa Wolf    Lioness"

Blessed be!  

SEKHMET joins my pantheon; not like she wasn't always there!

I am happy that at 62 years of age, I still stand in awe of how I can be surprised and amazed at how life unfolds. Here is my SEKHMET story.

So, two weeks ago, I was having my massage and during a most relaxing healing hands session, I traveled to my Clearing and there met up with Hekate. There were questions I needed answers to, but instead she gave me Lioness as a new (yea, right!) traveling spirit animal. She joins my long time spirit animals: Wolf and Brown Bear.

That was the answer to why I keep hearing: "He will Drown!"? What??? Come on Hekate, I need answers not another animal companion. But I did not say any of that to Hekate and really I like Lions so I was pleased, just sent away without answers. Or so I thought.

Gotta hate a Goddess who won't let you know what is going on!!!!

When I came home, I began to research the Energy brought by Lioness. She is a message of balance as she moves in both the day and night; prudence, keep an even mind, do not overdo, strength, courage, royality, dignity, power, authority, justice, wisdom and ferocity.

Balance had been a theme the entire week before, at both home and at work.

This gift was given on a Monday, Tuesday I called off work. Yes, I had been very out of balance, yes I had allowed others to set my agenda and suck all the life out of me, yes I had given my power to others and forgot that I was born with the heart of dignity, justice, wisdom and ferocity.

I sure was happy to have Lioness now in my life as one of my three traveling spirit companions.

Well, this was not the end of the story. Hekate had sent her also to open my mind to realize another Goddess had been with me since I can remember but I did not know Her. She knew I needed to embrace this Goddess in my Psyche Archetype Committee and it was now!

You see, it was time for me to complete the Banishment Poppet Ritual regarding the ex. This man is a sexual pervert, mysognist, narcissistic, evil man who wounded me and my two children deeply. I needed to embrace my Rage and Anger as the Shadow part of me that had been stolen by the Patriarchal Culture all my life. OH yes, I would get mad and be full of rage over a lot of things, but it was not totally under control and not well thought out AND I would then feel guilty as hell for months on end.

You see, I was the good girl. I was the well behaved first born. I was Susie Christian. I was the best employee, friend, sister, daughter....you name it I was Susie Sunshine who helped others, watched out for others and always forgave anyone who wronged me. But deep inside Pele was spewing lava all over the place and every now and then it would spew out. Everyone would be shocked and remind me that was not "me" and then the guilt would set in. In fact, after arguments with the ex, it was me who would go out and buy him something or go overboard to make it all right because by arguing and yelling I was not being the peacemaker and sweet wife I was to be.

OK, back to SEKHMET.... wow, I can get off point!

So, one evening I went looking for a piece of paper to write on and pulled out a notebook from my shelf. I didn't remember, but 5 years ago I had been reading the book Godddesses in Older Women and taking notes in this notebook.

I opened it and yep you got it: There in highlighted words was this:

GODDESS OF TRANSFORMATIVE WRATH
HER NAME IS OUTRAGE
HER NAME IS SEKHMET

Next highlighted on the page:
GODDESS OF WRATH AND PEACE!

He name means Powerful. She is Protectress with strength and ability to spring upon evildoers and transgressors.

She does not initiate or provoke conflict, but when divine order is threatened, she responds with the direct savagery of a protective lioness.

She is a healer and is associated with both life and death (I was a Douala and present at deaths)  and her presence is invoked in situation of life and death (social worker).

She is the embodiment of Earth (I am Virgo and must be outside).

SEKHMET is Triple Goddess: Creator, Sustainer of life (healer), Destroyer

Then this was quoted from the book: "Women often come to know Destroyer as they age; as they live long enough to see the damage from neglect/abuse on next generations and realize a lot of suffering could have been prevented."

As I spent time with SEKHMET she had me travel back in time with her and see where in fact along with Hekate, she was a driving force in my passion for the marginalized, for the abused and neglected, for how others are treated. She showed me that I fought hard for those and for my own children. Even by staying in the marriage for 30 years I was fighting to right a wrong, but it was not my fight... I was trying to be a Peacemaker in a forest were I could never win the fight.

What she also revealed to me was that I was out of balance even then. I had too much Guilt from the patriarchal family, church and society I was raised in and it undid all the change I was trying to make in the forest I was living in.

I love being 62 and having the opportunity to understand how life unfolded so far. I am glad SEKHMET was there with me, because at least in my career as a social worker I did help many make positive changes and I was a part of changes much needed in the community, in families, and even a tad bit in the church.

But the only way to make a major change in my life was to take my cubs (then adults) and walk out of that destructive marriage forest. It was time for us to find somewhere else to live.

So that is the story so far. What to glean from this is to Listen and Watch and never take anything for granted. Goddess is always ready to open that door, we have chosen to close, at just the right time.

Welcome Lionness! Welcome SEKHMET!

Now time to get to work!

Blessed be and love!

Male wounding; it's a fact!

At 62 years of age, I have the gift to look back over my life and put the puzzle together. Lately, with the help of my sisters, many pieces are falling into place and they are not good, but they are interesting.

At this point, I can only come up with a handful or less of men in my life who have not wounded me in some way. And this wounding began even before I was born. You see, the "sins of the father" impact us in ways we don't realize. You see ALL the significant men in  my life have mistreated me and left scars!

My patriarchal line is full of mysognist, racist, bigoted, pedophiles. Of course, who knew? As usual, it was a best kept secret. I should not have been surprised that I married a mysognist, narcissistic  sexual abuser addicted to porn.

My paternal grandfather's Bible is covered with comments he wrote about his feeling regarding women. It is not a pretty picture. Of late, I found out that he had a tent in the back yard and "entertained" the little girls and boys in the neighborhood there. My Dad at age 23 had to go tell him this was not a good idea and get rid of the tent. He did, but don't think this ended the pedophilia. We also found out lately that he sexually abused his step-daughter repeatedly. We also know that my uncles were sexually abuse and I suspect so was my father, but he won't talk about it.

My brother, sexually abused my two sisters, one he raped for many years. This was not "discovered" until he was away in the Navy and married and no one did anything to him. He still walks this earth living a good life.

A few months after I got married at age 20, my Dad came down with mono and called me to his bedside to tell me he had an affair and that the woman looked just like me. He went on to tell me in detail about the sex they had until mom found out. But he kept telling me how she was so much like me. (i.e. I wish it had been you). Most of my memories of my Dad from childhood were ones of total fear and trepidation. he wielded a harsh tone and hand along with belts. He gave me negative messages about being a woman and sex in general. When I started my period and mom told him he gave me the  V encyclopedia with Veneral Disease marked for me to read.

Then I married the epitome of a sexual pervert. The story I have told her many times so I will not go into detail, but leave it to be said, he wounded not only me but eventually both of our children due to his perversions. I finally left him  after 30 years and carry wounds and scars that will stay with me they are so deep and profound.

My son, suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder inherited from his father and as a result of the porn he grew up with. He blames me for giving birth to him, for staying with his father, for not protecting him, well....for everything. He comes and goes with contacting me and right now, he is not. 

I was a Christian until age 53. During that time, I was totally wounded by the Patriarchal Rape culture of the church. I listened to sermon after sermon about a women's place, I was not allowed to participate in priestly activities due to my gender, and I belonged to the Lutheran church which was one of the more progressive denominations. Even when I finally told my pastor about the sexual abuse in my marriage, I was encouraged to stay as I had made vows to this punishing male God and it was my responsibility to stay. One of the reasons I had stayed for 30 years was because of this bullshit brainwashing.

In high school it was the guys who gave me the name "horseface" and discredited me every chance they got. It didn't help that I was an outspoken feminist early on in my teens as far as they were concerned. In seminary, this treatment continued with accusations that I should not be there and finally that I was a witch and was a detriment to the organized church. And I went to seminary after retirement to work through all the crap of the church and my guilt. What happened was Goddess finally led me to my true calling.

My pedophile brother never touched me, as I was 3 years older than him, but he wrote me a very damning letter when I left my ex and has not spoken to me since (yea for that indeed).

I have a male cousin I am very close to. But even he disappoints me more often than not. He promises to call or come visit or take me somewhere and then I don't hear from him for months. It is just as well, he carries that male energy of "who's in charge" and I often wonder why I still hang out with him when he finds the time for me? Maybe he is the last male that I actually had some hope in. That is about gone for sure. 

Yes, there have been a few, really a very very few, men along the way who have been kind, but they did not stay in my life for very long at all.

I am not unique in my journey that is for sure. Many many women have similar or worse stories to tell. What I know to be truth is this Dominator culture we live in wounds on purpose. This Patriarchal Culture wounds Mama Earth, Animals, Women, Children and themselves. And they often do it under the brainwashing of "they know best". That was what my ex told me when I met him at a mere 19 years of age.

You see.... it is ingrained in our culture and I am no longer sure there is a remedy except for total annihilation of the human species. We are the only species that intentionally hurts another for their own gain and power and control.

So, here I am at 62 and I now totally refuse to live with this woundedness any longer.  My Dad is 82 and I will help him and my mom when they need me to. I have left the church , thank my dear Goddess and walk a most wonderful path now. I have solid relationship with my daughter and many women. I only tolerate the men I have to be in contact with every day.

Male wounding is deep and profound, but there are more Thrivers than we even know. For us who are more vocal, we must carry the stories to others so they do not feel alone and to the younger women so they don't fall into the same traps.

Life is good and scars are the visual signs that I have survived the Battle.

Blessed be and much love to all Sisters who have Male wounds they are still caring for. May we all gather our hears and souls together as we heal ourselves and consequently the whole Earth!