Sunday, May 31, 2015

Male wounding; it's a fact!

At 62 years of age, I have the gift to look back over my life and put the puzzle together. Lately, with the help of my sisters, many pieces are falling into place and they are not good, but they are interesting.

At this point, I can only come up with a handful or less of men in my life who have not wounded me in some way. And this wounding began even before I was born. You see, the "sins of the father" impact us in ways we don't realize. You see ALL the significant men in  my life have mistreated me and left scars!

My patriarchal line is full of mysognist, racist, bigoted, pedophiles. Of course, who knew? As usual, it was a best kept secret. I should not have been surprised that I married a mysognist, narcissistic  sexual abuser addicted to porn.

My paternal grandfather's Bible is covered with comments he wrote about his feeling regarding women. It is not a pretty picture. Of late, I found out that he had a tent in the back yard and "entertained" the little girls and boys in the neighborhood there. My Dad at age 23 had to go tell him this was not a good idea and get rid of the tent. He did, but don't think this ended the pedophilia. We also found out lately that he sexually abused his step-daughter repeatedly. We also know that my uncles were sexually abuse and I suspect so was my father, but he won't talk about it.

My brother, sexually abused my two sisters, one he raped for many years. This was not "discovered" until he was away in the Navy and married and no one did anything to him. He still walks this earth living a good life.

A few months after I got married at age 20, my Dad came down with mono and called me to his bedside to tell me he had an affair and that the woman looked just like me. He went on to tell me in detail about the sex they had until mom found out. But he kept telling me how she was so much like me. (i.e. I wish it had been you). Most of my memories of my Dad from childhood were ones of total fear and trepidation. he wielded a harsh tone and hand along with belts. He gave me negative messages about being a woman and sex in general. When I started my period and mom told him he gave me the  V encyclopedia with Veneral Disease marked for me to read.

Then I married the epitome of a sexual pervert. The story I have told her many times so I will not go into detail, but leave it to be said, he wounded not only me but eventually both of our children due to his perversions. I finally left him  after 30 years and carry wounds and scars that will stay with me they are so deep and profound.

My son, suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder inherited from his father and as a result of the porn he grew up with. He blames me for giving birth to him, for staying with his father, for not protecting him, well....for everything. He comes and goes with contacting me and right now, he is not. 

I was a Christian until age 53. During that time, I was totally wounded by the Patriarchal Rape culture of the church. I listened to sermon after sermon about a women's place, I was not allowed to participate in priestly activities due to my gender, and I belonged to the Lutheran church which was one of the more progressive denominations. Even when I finally told my pastor about the sexual abuse in my marriage, I was encouraged to stay as I had made vows to this punishing male God and it was my responsibility to stay. One of the reasons I had stayed for 30 years was because of this bullshit brainwashing.

In high school it was the guys who gave me the name "horseface" and discredited me every chance they got. It didn't help that I was an outspoken feminist early on in my teens as far as they were concerned. In seminary, this treatment continued with accusations that I should not be there and finally that I was a witch and was a detriment to the organized church. And I went to seminary after retirement to work through all the crap of the church and my guilt. What happened was Goddess finally led me to my true calling.

My pedophile brother never touched me, as I was 3 years older than him, but he wrote me a very damning letter when I left my ex and has not spoken to me since (yea for that indeed).

I have a male cousin I am very close to. But even he disappoints me more often than not. He promises to call or come visit or take me somewhere and then I don't hear from him for months. It is just as well, he carries that male energy of "who's in charge" and I often wonder why I still hang out with him when he finds the time for me? Maybe he is the last male that I actually had some hope in. That is about gone for sure. 

Yes, there have been a few, really a very very few, men along the way who have been kind, but they did not stay in my life for very long at all.

I am not unique in my journey that is for sure. Many many women have similar or worse stories to tell. What I know to be truth is this Dominator culture we live in wounds on purpose. This Patriarchal Culture wounds Mama Earth, Animals, Women, Children and themselves. And they often do it under the brainwashing of "they know best". That was what my ex told me when I met him at a mere 19 years of age.

You see.... it is ingrained in our culture and I am no longer sure there is a remedy except for total annihilation of the human species. We are the only species that intentionally hurts another for their own gain and power and control.

So, here I am at 62 and I now totally refuse to live with this woundedness any longer.  My Dad is 82 and I will help him and my mom when they need me to. I have left the church , thank my dear Goddess and walk a most wonderful path now. I have solid relationship with my daughter and many women. I only tolerate the men I have to be in contact with every day.

Male wounding is deep and profound, but there are more Thrivers than we even know. For us who are more vocal, we must carry the stories to others so they do not feel alone and to the younger women so they don't fall into the same traps.

Life is good and scars are the visual signs that I have survived the Battle.

Blessed be and much love to all Sisters who have Male wounds they are still caring for. May we all gather our hears and souls together as we heal ourselves and consequently the whole Earth!

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