Sunday, April 29, 2012

Actions Speak Louder than Words

We talk a lot in our family! Yep, even the men talk a lot. But as I have gotten older I realize that very few of us actually Listen. I am a good Listener but I talk a lot too. My mom Hijacks conversations. She probably could win the Nobel Prize for Hijacking Conversations if there was one. But we love her anyway even tho' it is very frustrating when I am trying to tell her something and need her to Listen and before I know it we are replaying something similar that happened to her at one time and my story gets forgotten.

But this blog post is not about trashing my mom! We all have mom stories, just like I am sure my kids do!

I had a revelation yesterday that will help me with my relationship with my Mom (and others) now that she knows I left the Christian Tradition and am a Pagan Witch. I need to do less talking and more acting! Since she is a Hijacker, she does not ask furthering questions or really any questions at all. She tells stories and they are mainly her stories! So when I told my parents a few weeks ago of this change, I knew that even tho' I asked them to ask me questions for clarification that it would never happen.

This week my mom called me and said this, "Well, remember the Mother/Daughter Lunch we attended at my church last Mothers Day? was, if you want to go with me again this year. Your sister is going, but I didn't know if you wanted to or not." I think I caught her off guard when I said, "Of course, we had a great time last year! I would love to go with you again." And I felt a bit of the ice break as our conversations have been quite stained on her part lately.

(my mom in the white shirt at last years luncheon)

Yesterday, mom and dad and I traveled 2 hours to celebrate my youngest sister's 50th birthday for the day! We stopped at McDonald's for breakfast as we began the trip. We always pray at meals even at restaurants and so after we opened our Egg McMuffins Mom looked at me, I bowed my head and she prayed. I could feel another ice chip falling! The conversation in the car was back to normal.

Oh, she never brought up or asked about my path (even tho' she found my magickal pagan Facebook site and then called my sister to say, "She never told us she was a Witch!" My sister suggested she ask me questions about what that means and mom said she would, but my sister and I both knew she wouldn't. And that is ok. We love her just the way she is and when my sister and I get frustrated with her Hijacking way of conversation we call each other and vent and then move on!

But what I learned this week is that I must "show" my mom that I am still the same loving daughter that I have always been. I must "show" her that what has changed is my Faith Walk and I still want to hear about hers and I still want to participate in things like the Mother/Daughter Luncheon even tho' it is held in a church. Actions will help my mom transverse this New Path of mine!

And it reminds me of a great Saint who I have always admired for so much: St. Francis of Assisi
 A quote is ascribed to him: "Preach the Gospel at all times. Use words if necessary!"

We forgot how much our Actions say about who we are and what our belief system is. Good or bad!

And so it will be with my Mom. She is 79 and I am not about to believe that I will change this annoying habit she has in her communication style. What will change is my understanding that I will go about my life as always! Talking, listening, reacting and acting! It will be hard for me who is a Teacher and Healer and so excited about my Faith Walk, but out of respect for this Woman who is entering her last journey in the Garden, who gave birth to me and raised me to be a loving, kind and compassion and giving person I will Act and use Words if necessary!

And really, it will sure help my TMJ....the jaw hurts a lot less when I only use words if necessary!

Blessed be!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Karma is a Bitch

It's one of those nights. Way past my bedtime and yet here I am tormented by decisions I made in the past and situations in the present. I am normally an overly optimistic, happy go lucky kind of gal! I see the glass as half full, not half empty; I taste the sweet lemonade from the sour lemons; I know there will be a Rainbow after the terrible storm; and I know that "the sun will come up tomorrow" just like Annie sang to us about! But then there are nights like this when I wonder if it is true that Karma is a Bitch! And yes, at almost midnight when I have to get up for work at 6am, I am having a bit of a Pity Party!

Decisions I made when I was 20 creep up when I least expect it. They creep up in the comment my daughter made tonight as she was reviewing her week. Not much money from working as a waitress this week, cervical biopsy to check on abnormal cells, and living far away from family have caused her to be very unhappy. When I said to her, "I am sorry you have had such a sucky week!" her comment back was, "well, it could be worse, my brother could be committing suicide or my father could be trying to contact me." And the decisions I made when I was 20 came back to haunt me and I heard: Karma is certainly a wicked Bitch!

I can't stand the thought of my daughter going through the biopsy alone this week. I cringe at the thought of her going to the doctor next week to get the results alone. Yes, she decided to move to Florida instead of NC and I decided to move to SC instead of Florida. And yes, she is 28 years old, but I'm still her mom and I set in motion what has caused her to suffer with PTSD and panic attacks and the need to run!

And then there is my son, who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. He tries so hard to make it every day and I set in motion what has caused him to suffer with this and with addictive personality disorder and depression. And yes, he is 31 years old and is responsible for himself, but you see I'm still his mom and that makes it hard when he cuts, when he cries out, when he won't sleep so he doesn't have to dreams the dreams that disturb him so.

Karma is certainly a crass and haunting Bitch!

So, I sit and wonder how it could have been different had I listened to my own Voice! If I had not allowed my ex, the church, society, my parents to be my Voice for so long! What would it have been like if I would have trusted that Voice crying out saying "wrong way, turn back!" Would ofs, Could ofs and Should ofs don't ever help I know that to be true, but tonight I am drinking a cup of tea after midnight and having a Pity Party!

This isn't the way I scripted my life when I use to lay on the grass and gaze at the clouds in the sky!

But whose life really is? Who can say the life you dreamed of in your teens, 20's or even 30's is anything like it is now? But I didn't get that life and on most days I like the life I now live, that is until Karma shows up and reminds me that I made choices that set in motion some pretty sucky stuff for not only me, but especially my kids! So, I'm having a Pity Party and I am having it alone cause those are the best ones to have! I don't have someone telling me to Get Over It, or that the past is the past and there is no good in looking back or I love the one: be thankful for the past as it made you who you are today! Pity Parties are best alone cause you don't have to listen to how Pity Parties don't help anything and to look at all my blessings.

Nope: I want my son to not have Borderline Personality Disorder and to be happy and successful; I want my daughter to not feel so alone and not to have cervical issues; I want my parents to accept that I am a Pagan Witch; I want to know that I'm doing what I am suppose to be doing and not always feel there is something more! And most of all I want my ex to be gone from our lives!

Karma is a Bitch and I'm having tea with It! It's my Party and I'll be Pitiful if I want to!

Blessed be!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Thoughts brought on by my Yoni Altar

This will be a very personal blog post today and for many it may be uncomfortable and if so, I do not mind if you don't read all the way through. I was invited to a new Facebook group dedicated to the awareness of the Yoni Altar and a reclaiming of Women's Sexuality. I was acquainted with the Yoni Altar when I was editing Lizbeth Clay's book, Woman Re-Membering. She did not have the money to pay me to edit (I had never done this before and was honored to be asked to do so) and so she would make me things around the Goddess and one of them was the Yoni Altar.

Lizbeth writes on the back of her creation: "The Yoni Altar honors woman's potent and vulnerable Depths, and is a creative Act of Reclaiming what has been objectified and made fetish within patriarchal societal structure. The Yoni represents Female Creative Power and has long been a symbol for woman's menstrual and birthing mysteries, sacred sexuality and those of menopause."

Yoni is the Sanskirt word for Vagina! It has been around for a very very long time and is just now finding HerSelf in the public eye again. But of course, it is seen a pornographic by those who want to dismiss the power of the Sacred Feminine! Lizbeth finished by saying, "It is time to reclaim these primal forces that are our inherent power and creative pulse and awaken to our instinctive, ecstatic knowing!"

Many know my story or at least parts of it, but for some reason this week I have been revisiting where I have been, seeing that 60 years of age is looming ahead of me. My ex husband of 30 years was a sex addict. Oh he will never admit it even tho' he had a counselor tell him so as did his son, daughter and wife! His addiction was pornography and then acting it out with me. Oh some say, he wasn't an addict as he didn't "stray" outside the home. Sorry, but watching porn, looking at pornographic pictures, having over 1000 videos and books and DVD's in our home constituted addiction. I was living with thousands of prostitutes!

We married when I was 20 and very naive. From the beginning he would have to look at magazines before we were intimate saying I didn't know how to turn him on and so he needed this first. As a young very impressionable girl learning how to be a sexual woman this tore me to the core and so I did everything he told me to do and more. And it wasn't usually pleasant at all. But I wanted to make him happy you see and I certainly didn't have an experience before I met him, so I was ripe for the brainwashing!

And so here I am a Crone and turning 60 in August. And my Yoni is dried up! I had a total hysterectomy when I was 40 years old. The doctor who had been my OBGYN for 15 years diagnosed me with Fibroid Tumors and said I needed to have my Uterus removed. I had had both my children and so didn't need this "bother" any longer. I agreed as I had learned to hate my Uterus...I had heavy periods and bad cramps and when I got married, my periods were very inconvenient to my husband as was my PMS! We had terrible fights during that time and even when I was having my worse pain during the first few days, I was expected to Service Him! I hated every thing to do with this part of being a woman and would have agreed to having the Uterus removed without anesthesia if that was the only way to get rid of this organ that made me uniquely female but in my eyes had turned against me!

{on a side note: it was years after the divorce when I was reading Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Yourself that I discovered that my Uterus was trying so hard to tell me what was terribly wrong in this relationship. She states that "Female Problems including Fibroid Tumors are a Denial of Self, Rejecting femininity, Rejection of the feminine principle, Nursing a hurt from a partner, A blow to the feminine ego! }

And so I was remembering that appointment with the OBGYN the day we discussed my options to try and stop the incessant bleeding. My husband was there too. I am so glad that I was journaling at that time because often time creates another story out of an original one, but not this time. So there we sat; me, the doctor and my husband. The doc explained the surgery to remove the Uterus and then asked if I wanted to keep my Ovaries. Without missing a beat, the male doc looked at my husband and said, "you know if we take them out then the PMS goes away and you will be home free: no periods to deal with and no PMS drama." NO SHIT!!!! This is exactly what was said and not to me but between the two men in the room. My husband said with a big grin: "Go for it! Take it all!" And it happened.

Oh I must say I was excited to not have to deal with periods any more but what I wasn't ready for was being thrown into early Menopause! I had hot flashes, and vaginal dryness, etc and so the doc put me on Estrogen to combat these symptoms and it did help a lot! But it didn't fix the misogynistic attitude of my husband. The porn got worse and so did the emotional and sexual abuse, etc. And after 30 years I had enough and left!

There is so much here for me to learn and to pass on to my daughter and other women. My Uterus was trying so hard to show me what was wrong! She wanted me to know that I was in a place that was not of the Goddess! And finally She cried and cried and cried blood from this Womb that housed my two children and each month should have been a reminder to me of the gift I as Sacred Woman had been given!

It has been 20 years now since my Ovaries and Uterus were removed and I had to come off the medication due to cancer possiblities and even tho' I tried many natural hormonal remedies, the vagina dried up, the Labia thinned out and and this place which once was full of juicy richness is no longer a welcome home.

But Goddess is so very good. She has taught me that unlike the message being driven into my soul by this man I chose to marry and live with for 30 years, my "woman parts" are not my identity! They do not make me who I am: Sacred Feminine Being created in Her Image! Nope....even tho' my body has changed, my Self has only Grown and Developed where I now claim the Goddess that I am. The Creative Power that Lizbeth talked about is fully mine to claim and I do!

Some days it makes me sad that I was not stronger about what I really wanted. It makes me sad that as Enlightened as I thought I was, I did not recognize the signs of misogyny in my own home and in my OBGYN's office! I did not have my Sacred Feminine Voice at that time. And maybe that is how it was suppose to be. A lesson I had to learn on this side of the Veil!

And some days I am still haunted by the idea that I am not a "good catch" for a man because my vagina is no longer welcoming. Those tapes so ingrained in my very soul show themselves at times when I am alone and lonely!

But those times are few and far between thank Goddess and I rejoice that the Creative Juices that are inherent in being Woman are still available to me! I hold them as Sacred Gifts! And I pause an honor the Uterus and Ovaries that once were nestled in my body! They served me well but I know that without them I am no less and much more!

Blessed be!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Waning Crescent Moon

Someone asked me once if I had a favorite moon phase. I didn't even have to think about it. The Waning Crescent Moon I said. This week I was taking my walk before dawn and there She was! That beautiful Waning Crescent Moon Goddess and I stood and pondered why She has always been my favorite.

And as I stood before Her my very Being cried out: She is Fading Away! Too many times I have felt like I was fading away; like I could no longer hold on to and reflect the Light of the Divine. Too many times in my almost 60 years of Living in this Garden I felt lost and could not find Goddess so like a Mirror I could reflect Her back into the dark world. I was slowly but surely fading into my own Darkness.

And yet I held on; you know like those sweet pictures of fairies sitting in the crest or hanging onto the very edge of this fading moon with smiling adventurous faces! Those are sweet pictures, but in reality there were too many times I was literally holding on to this sliver of light for my very life!

And then the Darkness would come; no sliver of hope to hang on to; no brightness showing me the way. Lost in the Wilderness I would say and I wonder how many of those early People would find themselves each month Wandering without Light for a few days before they had invented Fire. Were they as frightened as I was the first time I entered the Darkness? How long did it take them to Trust that the Light would return and show them the Way? It took me years to see that if I just waited in the Darkness and Trusted that the sliver would return and slowly manifest itself into the Brightness that reflects off snow and ice and the ocean and lakes that I too would find my Way and begin to Reflect Her Light back into the Darkness.

How very simple I have learned. How incredibly simple it all is. But what I know to be true is this: the Dark is Fucking Dark! And Waiting is Fucking Scarey and Hard. And I am impatient and I didn't Trust well that She would return for me and yet She always did.

Now it is easier for me. I don't have as many Dark times as I once did. But I know those who seem to last longer in that New Moon stage; being so afraid that they won't even look up and gaze at Her, to see that if you really focus you can see Her even tho' She is not reflecting Light back. It is in these times that we learn to Trust that She is there. Oh it may be through just simple Waiting it out, or it may be through a Friend or a Family member who knows the Truth of Her Return. It may be through Medication or through a favorite Book, ournal entry, Animal or even a Sacred Text, Music or a good Meal.

She teaches us to look for Her Light in those people, animals or things that speak of Her to us! We just have to remember to reach out to those people and things who can Reflect Her Light to us when we find ourselves Dark! And when we forget to reach out or we don't have the energy to do so; we hope that there will be others who will remember that they can bring the Light when we need it most! Animals know how to do this instinctively, it's us humans that need to live it and learn it!

The Moon will be Dark in a few days! Can we Trust that She will Return to Us? On most days I do! I will be there when your days are dark if you will do the same for me!

Blessed be!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Catawba Native People's Pow Wow April 14, 2012

They came in led by the Eagle Staff, proud Native People from many Tribes and Nations throughout the United States of America. Very young to very old, they came, dressed in their native regalia ready to dance to the Native Drum. They came to Rock Hill, SC on this beautiful weekend! They came to Catawba Native American Land. They came to share their wares, to dance and celebrate and to compete. They came these Proud People trying to hold on to their Heritage and to enlighten others as to Who they are!

And me, American Mut that I am, was invited to their Sacred Time. Me, with a little bit of Scotch Irish, a little bit of German and a little bit of Pennsylvania Dutch sat there as the Cherokee blood coursed through my veins. There I sat with the blood of the Native Peoples from North Carolina nourishing my organs and my very Soul. And I knew I was home with my people. I was there connected through my father as many different Nations and Tribes gathered to dance and celebrate!

And I began to cry! The tears came without warning as these Grand People came together showing they are strong and Alive and still here. And I grieved for what had been done to these Proud Original Occupants of this country we call the United States. I grieved for the deaths that were caused in the name of the Christian Church. I was overcome by so much sadness as I remembered children being taken from their parents and put in Christian Schools to "civilize and Christianize" them by cutting their hair, giving them Christian names, "white" clothing and refusing to allow them to use their Native Language. The Christian Religion was forced upon these Native Peoples in the name of their King Jesus Christ. They were forced onto reservations and treaties were written down and promises made; most of which never were honored by these "White Men" who came into the land of the Native Peoples and claimed it for their own. And yet, here they were smiling, dancing, celebrating! And I began to Sob as I stood up taller and claimed my Heritage along side of them! I cried as I saw how proud and free they were on this weekend when it was OK to be the Native People!

Seven Drum Groups were there to provide that deep and knowing music from the Sacred Drum. And they danced; young and old; they came to dance and tell their stories and share their sacred rituals from so long ago and still present in their lives today.

Proud people they are! Spiritual People they are! Dancing as Warriors and Gathers; dancing giving thanks to Grandmother Earth and Grandfather Sky; dancing to give honor to the animals that provide food and clothing and tools; dancing to call the Buffalo and the Elk and the Deer to them; dancing in clothing made by their own hands exactly as they were when they were looked at as Heathens by the intruders from across the Sea.

And I sat for 4 hours and watched as the children, the teens, the women and men danced for not only themselves and the Divine but for those of us so honored to be in their presence!

I wanted it to never end! But like the Native Peoples know there is more to life than the dancing and the ritual. There are children to raise, crops to plant, meat to find, homes to clean, food to cook, love to be made, disagreements to be settled and work to be done. These Native Peoples live as One with the Spirit in this Garden trying so hard to hold on to their heritage and their beliefs and their way of life in a world that wants everyone to be the same and that same is defined by the person doing the defining. It was wonderful to see so many different Peoples coming together dancing the same dance but with dress that is significant to their individual Tribe and steps just a little different. And here they were all in one place; laughing, talking, eating and sharing what they had with each other.

Those not dancing were selling their wares. It is a sharing and a way to make money. They were honest about that which was made by hand and that which was machine made. They were ready to tell their stories and share how they made the items. Being a pagan witch I had not yet added an Athame to my altar. I don't like knives and so resisted that addition to my magick. And yet when I walked by one of the tables there were "knives" made from deer and turkey bones and I stopped knowing I had found my Athame! The man behind the table told me he had made all the items and was from the Lumbee tribe. He showed me the different knives and I told him that I was looking at them to add to my altar and ritual. He reached down and picked up a deer rib and handed it to me. It fit neatly in  my hand and I knew it was made for me! I paid him for it and thanked him for his work and his faithful dedication to his Heritage. He smiled missing many teeth and went back to eating his lunch.

And then there was Her! She haunted me the entire 7 hours I was at the Pow Wow. She made me stop in my tracks as I walked by the booth of the artist Lola R. Swimmer. She hung on the wall and cried out to me and I stood mesmerized. She spoke words of the Ancient Ways to me, but She also spoke of my Path and my Journey without ever saying a word.

I Dance Before You is the title of this original acrylic on canvas painting! I could not stop thinking about Her and would get up during breaks from the dancing and stand before Her and look as if my soul depended on it. Lola let me look and this talented Woman; Crone; Grandmother spoke little until I returned at the end of the day and told Her that She had to go home with me. Lola R. Swimmer smiled and said she knew. She then told me that she usually did not sell her originals, but made prints of them. But in a dream recently Spirit told her that it was time to sell her originals because she painted not for herself but for others and now she knew it to be true. She told me that this woman sees the star in the top of the painting that is only for her and is her Vision; the stars surrounding her are the visions and plans and dreams of the woman drifting toward the Star ! She is dancing before the Moon celebrating this Vision She has! And then Lola R. Swimmer looked at my shirt and said, "Yes, She is to go home with you! Look your shirt is covered with stars!" And yes it was. I don't wear this top often, but did today to the Pow Wow! She is home with me and hangs in my bedroom facing the bed so I see her when I go to sleep and when I awaken with Father Sun! 

                                            Lola R. Swimmer, Artist

So many powerful emotions ran through me during this time with the People! But none so special as when a woman came and sat beside me. She asked me what was going on. She told me she lived only a mile away and that she was on her way home and saw that a Pow Wow was going on and she had to stop. She is from Germany and even tho' she has lived here for 50 years she was not familiar with this gathering. Her name was Erika and she is 74 years old. I shared with her the story of the Native People and why they now gather in Pow Wows. I explained the drums and the dances and the regalia and the Heritage of these Proud People. She was enthralled and told me she knew there was a reason she had to stop and was so glad I did not mind her sitting by me so she could learn.

It was my time to share the Heritage that I have coursing through my veins even tho' we did not claim or celebrate it as our Heritage in our family. It has only been within the past 20 years that it has been spoken of and looked at by my immediate family. I claimed it as my own in the early 70's when I first discovered that we in fact were of Native descent. I was blessed as this day ended and I got into my car to travel back home.

I am forever changed after this day! I love the affirmation of my Vision Quest and the Path I am now on! I loved being invited to join in this time of celebration and this time of focusing on the richness of a time that others so desperately tried to rid from this lush and beautiful country. I am honored and blessed by a People who have so much to offer and do so willingly and openly!

Blessed be!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Laying Fallow

If only we paid more attention to the Teachings of the Earth, I think we would have an easier time making our way on this Life Journey. We have learned to be "in a hurry" and "busy" and as such we miss not only the magickal offerings of a magnificent Rainbow or a Delicious Sunset, but we miss that which Gaia has in Her Lesson Book for the day for us! One Lesson that seems to be the hardest for us to Learn is What to do when She tells us it is time to Lay Fallow for a Season!

Farmers know that planting year after year will eventually deplete the soil of the nutrients needed for a healthy crop. So, every 7-10 years they choose to not plant in a field; to let it just be; soaking up rain and sun and the nutrients needed to replenish that which has been drained out of it. Smart Farmers don't wait until they produce a poor crop, they Hear the Cry of the Field before then and Respond by letting the Field Lay Fallow for a Season. For most Fields this is only for one Season, but sometimes the Farmer Knows the Field well enough that a second and third Season is required!

Fallow Fields are not attractive are they? They are usually bare and brown and seem Worthless. But the Good Farmer Sees this Field as in it's Resting time and can see the bountiful crop that will once again bless the Field after Laying Fallow. The Smart Farmer does not grieve the loss of income while in this stage, the Smart Farmer knows that the time will come once again when what blooms forth will bring blessing three fold if she will only Wait!

This is the message from Gaia to Her blessed Humans. We live such hurried lives that eventually we deplete our reserves. Or we suffer from an illness that depletes us and we need time to heal, reflect, and regain the strength to continue to produce the Gifts of Goddess!

Most of us have been convinced that if we stop for one moment (even to eat at a fast food restaurant) that we will "get behind" or we will "disappoint someone" or everything will "fall apart." We complain of being "tired", sick or depressed. We push ourselves, drink energy drinks and have insomnia to keep ourselves going at this pace we have produced for ourselves. And then we are surprised when we do in fact get "put to bed" with an illness or have to go to the hospital for exhaustion. We are surprised when we begin to forget appointments or even forget to eat or pick up our kids from day care. We are depleted and thus are unable to produce good Crop!

For most of us, Gaia has been yelling at us to Lay Fallow for sometime. But we are too busy or too impatient to Listen.

Laying Fallow is necessary! It is the law in the Garden. Goddess wants Her Children to Produce Good Crop, but She knows it is only when we care for our precious Selves just like the Good Farmer cares for His Precious Field that this will happen.

Gaia's Lesson is that Laying Fallow is Necessary and is OK. That is Necessary for Growth, for Balance and for Her Light to be able to Shine through us. But it will be hard! It will be so hard because others will look at us as weak, as undependable and we don't like those labels.

Yet, Gaia is calling each of us to Lay Fallow for a Season. It will be different for each of us. But the Trick is to do it before we see that the Crop we are producing is rotten, small and depleted. If we Listen and Learn then we will be ready when Gaia tells us it is Time to begin Producing again! And the Field will be delicious, it will be hardy and strong and healthy!

Gaia Speaks! Is She Speaking to You?

Blessed be! 

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Why the need for a Vengeful God?

It's Easter Morning for the Christians and the end of Passover for the Jews. Both the Traditions I was born into, raised in and was a part of until a few years ago. I have had a love/hate relationship with the Christian Tradition since I was a teen. And yet, as I explored other ways, I kept coming back to what I was safe!

And then my Crone years came upon me and I realized that I did not have to live in a way that made me unsure and unhappy just because it was safe and I knew it like the back of my hand (that's why I stayed in my marriage for 30 years!) and thus I opened my heart and invited Goddess to lead me where she would. And the question She posed to me was "Why the need for a Vengeful God?"

Passover is about this Pissed off God telling "His People" that if they killed a lamb and put the blood over their doors that when He came to Smite the bad unbelieving evil people they would be spared/saved/loved and He would anoint them as His Children! And so each year, the People of Faith remember how they were saved from this Vengeful God who chose only them when they Obeyed His Demand for a Sacrifice!

Easter is about a Pissed off God telling "His People" (yep the same people; Jesus came for the Jews and everyone else was grafted into him) that He was so tired of looking at their sin/ugliness/disobedience that He had to come in their form so He could be tortured/crucified/die/ and come back to life. He had to Sacrifice Himself so He could wash us in that holy blood and thus be able to look at us.

Oh that is so simplified it is ridiculous, but it is where I began on this journey. Why the need for a Vengeful God?

I have a degree from a Christian Seminary and as such can be considered a learned theologian and I am also a mystic and in touch with the Spirituality of both the Hebrew and Christian Bibles. And yet, it only added to the love/hate relationship I had with this Religion where there was this need for a Vengeful God to keep everything in order.

And I opened my Heart and told Goddess I was ready to See....Hear....Taste...Feel...Smell the Truth that I had been searching for since my teen years. And She did not disappoint.

There is no need for a Vengeful God! Goddess is Pure Love! And as such She is unable to be Vengeful! She has no need to be Vengeful! She Created all that was, is and will be to live in the Garden so perfectly designed that Humans still strive to figure it all out! She Created Us to Love Her and to Love Everything She Made and To Do No Harm! It is us who choose to do the harm that we do and yet she is like that great teacher some of us got in school who never said you failed a test, but kept letting us take it over and over until you learned and could get it right!

If there is no Original Sin then we are not in bondage to doing shit wrong! We have the ability to stop what we are doing at any time (now, don't get me wrong, there are mental illnesses that take this argument in another direction for sure~ i am not talking about that!). And without this Sin crap then we have only ourselves to blame for hurt instead of the old adage "the devil made me do it". A Vengeful God was created to "keep the masses in check" and the Church became the only messenger for that message that was authorized by this God. Power and Control set forth and continued the assault on people convincing them that they are all worthless humans not deserving of God's love and so must claim Jesus as their Savior who lets us look good before the Vengeful God.

And so this is where I spent Easter Morning communing with Goddess! Being free from all this bondage talk and not because I believe that God had to come and die on a cross cause I can't seem to behave! I came here among the trees, the lake, the birds and squirrels, the spiders and gnats, the fish and the dirt and rocks and the air and the sun and boats and houses and sat on the Sacred Swing knowing a peace I have not felt since I knew what it meant to look to the Divine. I no longer have a love/hate relationship I only know Love! And She is Goddess! She is Pure Love and even when I "misbehave" She loves me deeply and looks upon me like the Loving Mother that She is. Let's me suffer my own consequences so I can learn what it means to Do No Harm and Shows me the Way because She loves me as much as She loves all Her Creation.

This is freeing! This is Love! This is the Garden!

And Being a Pagan, Walking with the Wise Ancient Ones, I am on the Path I have been journeying to since I can remember and I am Home!

Blessed be!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


It's been an interesting two weeks. My daughter who is 28 has begun the journey of Discovering HerSelf! Oh yes, we all do this, but it has been touching to watch her attend to those things that have plagued her for so long and to have her share her Revelations with me. She has hired a Life Coach, sent to her by Goddess, even tho' she is expensive, and her time has made remarkable impact on my daughter. Yes, a lot of what this "other" woman is telling my daughter is things I have told her but this is oh so different and I am thankful for this woman's presence in her life!

Transformation once begun is a never ending journey. My daughter had a very emotionally and mentally abusive father. She was sexually abused by him even tho' he never laid a hand on her. He was (still is) addicted to porn and oh the story is long, but let it be said she has many struggles with what he did. This week with her Life Coach, my daughter heard for the first time: "have you ever considered that you chose this family to be born in so you could learn certain lessons?"

Now we have had this talk before as I throw ideas I am thinking about out to her, but this week, the message even tho' not a New Word was a Now Word. As she was telling me about it, I could literally see a few of the chains fall from around her. I could sense that she was beginning to see what had happened to her in a new light; not having to give up being mad at her dad just yet, but being able to reframe her PTSD into Lessons Learned for the Journey.

What I would have given to have learned this when I was 28 years old.

And so I have to seriously begin to think about her choice of me as her mom; her choice of coming into the marriage that would lend itself to an abusive male that has damaged both me and my daughter. And I have to seriously begin to think about what lessons I needed to learn as I chose the family I came into that ultimately led me to an abusive marriage.

Both of us are on the road to Rebirth! Rebirth as Goddess reaches for us and pulls us out  of our old Selves and Lifts us Up to our Divine Selves! Taking our rightful place as Goddess walking in this Garden!

It can be painful at times; but what I have learned is that sometimes the Best Lessons are made out of Suffering and Pain. I don't know that it is the Way, but I just know it to be True in my Life and in my Daughter's Life.

So, thank you Goddess for coming in the vessel of the Life Coach for my daughter and I pray that she will have the money she needs to pay for her for as long as You need her to be with this amazing woman!

I thank you Goddess that my daughter chose me as her mom! It has been, is and will continue to be an Amazing and Incredible Journey! Lessons Learned, Lessons Shared, Lessons Embraced as the New Self Rises from the Old Self! New, Delicious, Enchanting, Powerful, Secure and most of all Divine!

Blessed be!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Great Awakening

April 1st and Spring has definitely arrived in my part of the world. My walk this morning was full of Evidence and Surprises as I communed with Gaia! Crisp cool Air, rising Sun, deep blue Sky and a few wispy Clouds set the Scene for Time with Gaia! I stopped and sent up a prayer giving thanks for all my Senses and for my Gram who gave me gift of Listening! We would lie in bed together when She visited, and She would tell me to listen to the Morning Doves, the Woodpeckers and the Whip-O-Wills as they told their stories. She was a great Story Teller!

Today Gaia spoke so much to me that She made my head spin! I finally ended up on the Sacred Swing by the Lake just to be calm and take it all in. Not Surprising, She continued Her teaching and I was enjoying Listening!


These words permeated my Mind, Body and Soul as I walked in Her Glory. The first stop was at a beautiful Snow Ball bush!

Sometimes like a Good Mom, Gaia just has to get in my face! I am so happy that these bushes are all over the apartment complex. My Grandmother had them growing in her yard and I loved them so much as a kid visiting with her. Gaia told me that sometimes She has to show up in Big Balls of Glory so Her Children will notice Her. And yet, most will drive by the Snow Ball Bushes without any thought to what a miracle it is that this bush grew from a very small seed that was planted in a very small pot and then planted in the ground and asked to produce. We expect that what is planted will grow and flourish because "we" say so. We have come to expect Results! And when it doesn't happen it is pulled up by the roots and thrown in the dumpster instead of being nourished with love, water, fertilizer and the right soil.

There is much that goes into Growth. And sometimes Gaia has to be Bold and in our Face to show us that with the right soil, water, sunshine and love the Growth will be plentiful and will bless us and others!

And I thought of my Growth. I thought about all my Gram was trying to teach me, but I was throwing it into the Dumpster right and left because I did not have the right soil and water to encourage it's growth at the Time. It was All About Me and Where I Was Going and What I Was Doing and She was an Old Lady trying to be In My Face!

As I am writing this, I realize that Gaia had me thinking a lot about my Maternal Grandmother on my Walk. How interesting that it is only now that I am realizing that. I do believe She was a Witch but never quite got it. She was too entrenched in the Christian Faith and that would have gotten Her hung probably! But She knew things and She had a gentleness while She was in my face!

Bold and Beautiful! Gaia is that, my Gram was that and I am that! The Snow Ball bush will soon lose it's flowers and for the rest of the summer it will be just a plain ol' green bush along with all the other just plain ol' bushes! And yet, this bush was Bold about it's Glory for a Time before it settled down into just being a bush!

Sounds familiar, don't ya think?

Blessed be!