Monday, June 8, 2015
Quest 2015 Surprise!!!!
In January, I began Quest 2015 after hearing that word all through the month of December. Yesterday, I completed Book One on this Journey.
Today I began Book 2 with this entry:
"I thought I was on a Healing Quest but now 6 months into it and SEKHMET (Goddess of Anger/Wrath/Peacemaker) came to the surface to show me that was not true. I already was Healed.
I Healed when I threw hundreds of Porn CD's at Bob (now the ex) that night I found, 'Daddy's Little Girl' CD in his briefcase.
I Healed when I disclosed in family therapy his porn addiction and it's impact on me and the children.
I Healed when we sat at the dining room table after his car wreck and told him Steph and I were moving out.
I Healed November 2002, when we moved into our own apartment.
I Healed when I told him I was filing for divorce.
I Healed when the divorce papers came.
I Healed when Pastor Mark and Pastor Gerry told me to stay in the marriage and I left anyway.
I Healed when I went to seminary to find god and found Goddess waiting for me there.
I Healed when I left the Christian Tradition.
I Healed when I put on my Witch Cloak.
I Healed when I told my parents and others.
I Healed when I gave David permission to not 'owe' me anything...not even his attention and love.
The Healing has already been done~~~ a long time ago.
So why do I get triggered by sexual abuse, porn, misogyny, racism, homophobia?
SEKHMET Finally Came To Me!
Here is what She taught me:
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY WOUNDING AND MY ANGER AND WRATH!
You see even before the wounding began, I was aware of the injustices in the World. Hell, I was aware early on that Blacks were lower class according to my family, government, church and society. I remember the Colored bathrooms and bus seats. And even as a young girl I was questioning and mad about it. I was angry when as a teen, that I couldn't be an acolyte or carry a cross in the service because I was a girl. And I fit right into the 60's with all this awareness and righteous anger!
SEKHMET has always been in my DNA~~~~ I just didn't know Her name! I just knew I was angry at a bunch of stuff.
My Parents had it Wrong!
My Family had it Wrong!
My Neighbors had it Wrong!
My Church had it Wrong!
My Government had it Wrong!
I argued with my parents and pastors. I protested the Vietnam War. I marched for Women's Rights, Civil Rights, Environmental rights and Church Change.
AND I BECAME A SOCIAL WORKER to no surprise.
There I could change families, empower women, feed the hungry and stop the abuse. I won the War on many Fronts, but not the Marriage Front (or so I thought). There the Wounding took place.
THE WOUNDED HEALER I became and I was damn good at it!
I wanted to have my own children as that to me was the Promise that the Plan for a better world would happen. And with SEKHMET and Mama Bear by my side I did my best to protect and guide them. But I could not shelter them from their father.
I HAD to stay you see. I HAD no choice. I thought it was the only way to Protect them. And I became the Wrathful Wife. And then when the Cubs could fend for themselves, I could finally leave.
But since then, I was convinced that my Life was about Healing. But like this remarkable Human Body I reside in, I Heal Quickly! And I did! I just didn't know it. Now I do!
SEKHMET poured forth from my DNA and gave name to my Anger, Rage and Wrath. She Provided the definition and form. She provides the framework for my Journey from this point forward. I totally embrace Anger, Rage and Wrath as my own Reaction to ALL that is Wrong in the World.
THIS VOICE I have always been!
So when I see a report about a Judge not punishing a man who raped a 3 year old because the man "did not set out to do harm to the little girl," I post: I HATE MEN AND THE PATRIARCHAL RAPE CULTURE THEY RIDE IN ON! And yes, I mean ALL MEN!
Do I harbor Anger, Rage and Wrath? Yes! Is it ok? Yes? Does it eat me alive and make me unhealthy? Not one bit!
*I am Angry that my parents did nothing to Chuck (my brother) when they found out he had been raping my baby sister for 8 years.
*I have Rage that they continued to have a relationship with him; going on vacations, football games and holiday celebrations.
*I have Anger that my mother almost grieved herself to death when Chuck cut off all contact with her and my dad.
*I am Angry that for whatever the reason, Dad had to tell me about his affair and that she looked just like me.
*I am Angry that there are still Secrets in my Family.
*I am Angry that the man who fathered my children was so addicted to porn and so narcissistic that he would not give that up, even tho' it was wounding his wife and his children.
*I have Rage that my son suffers from Mental Illness and there are limited resources to help him and others.
*I am Angry that the Church brainwashes still and controls the government (along with NRA).
*I am Angry about the War on Women, Immigrants, and Homosexuals.
*I am full of Wrath toward the Porn Industry.
*I am full of Wrath toward the Patriarchal Rape Culture that rules the World.
And all the While I set the Goddess Table of Peace each morning as that is the Other Side of SEKHMET and of me!
I have not been Broken and Wounded for a Long Time. Those who meant to hurt me, did not win.
When my Heart was Cut out, I grew another fuller one!
When my Voice Box was removed, I grew a new one with larger Pipes!
When others Rights were being Smashed, I joined in and picked them up with the New Hands I had grown when mine were removed.
And when my Brain was being rewired, I took wire cutters and dissected away the horrific lies and control messages.
Oh no~~~~~ I am NOT Healing~~~~ I Healed right after each cut, each bashing, each body part removal.
I move on this Journey in Wisdom, Self-Love and my own Affirmations of my Worth.
It is a New Day! Me and my Traveling companions:
SEKHMET ME HEKATE
Mama Bear Shewa Wolf Lioness"