Day Keeper Rite

Fall is my favorite time of the year and I think it is because I am so connected with the cycle of Birth and Death and the Transformation that takes place in between. Now I know that all of us are connected to this Cycle but when I look back over the past 60 years I see how true this is for me in a very tangible way. My life work was about life and death, I was a Doula for 20 years and have been in the presence of dying people both figuratively and literally. And in my own walk, I myself, have many times been born, died and reborn! And it seems to be most evident in the Fall!

So it wasn't a surprise when Maureen Mischinski, local Shaman delivered the Day Keeper Rite to me during our Divine Feminine Class two weeks ago. It wasn't a surprise that my eyes opened and I saw clearly through the Veil what I had been walking out all my life!

The Day Keeper Rite has been passed down from the Q'ero; Inca Peoples. The Day Keepers were those who were the Altar Keepers, Altar Fire Tenders, those present at Births and Deaths; it is the Divine Feminine Energy; these were the Medicine Women; the Healers.

After the Rite, the Veil opened and this is what I saw:

While in the Christian Tradition I was the Altar Keeper. No one asked me to do this, but I knew it was my role to set the altar for service; set Communion (wine and bread); take care of the candles and even light them many times if the acolyte didn't show up; undress the Altar after service and make sure the Altar was clean and respected for it's sacred place in the church. I would get so angry when people in the Praise and Worship band I was in would put their cups of coffee or water on the altar when we were warming up for the worship service. I knew that this was not an ordinary Table, but a Table consecrated to hold the Bible, the Blood and Body of Christ and the Candles symbolizing the Light of the World. Why couldn't others see this and why didn't others just beg to be an Altar Keeper. Oh we did have a schedule of "workers" for the traditional service but the contemporary was open to people just plain helping out. When we tried a schedule people would forget or just not show up and I would do it anyway. I KNEW I had to do it! And so I saw that I was walking out my Path of Day Keeper in that Tradition.

I now am the Keeper of my own altars and even had a home prayer altar when I was a Christian. It was a wonderful transition from that to Paganism but my Altars mean so much more now, and I hold just as scared a view of them as I did before even tho' these are now set just for me!

Being a Doula for those 20 years, coaching women of all ages; the youngest age 12 to the oldest age 40 was another Sacred task of the Day Keeper I was and have been for many lifetimes. I have three past lives that I know of and each of them show me in the Midwife/Doula role! Interesting enough is the fact that in all these lives I was persecuted for this sacred task. I was burned at the stake in one and in this lifetime I was frequently given grief over helping these pregnant pre-teen and teenage girls have a pleasant birthing experience as they should be punished for their "sins"! But I could be no where else and it was a Sacred Time as I was present for another Life coming into this very hard world.

I was present when my Aunt Nellie died. I was so close to her and being in that Sacred Bedroom as she took her last breaths, holding her hand and the hand of my mom and listening as her Pastor told her it was time to let go of this world and join her Jesus Christ in heaven was where I had to be; where I wanted to be; where I now knew in Ancient Times I had been!

And I could go on and on. 30 years of Social Work with hurting families, I was there to facilitate the transformation that would take place as families healed, families reunited and at times families were broken apart forever. But in each of the families there was the Cycle of Birth and Death and Rebirth played over and over and I was honored to be "invited" to join them on the journey. And each time, with each family, each young person I crossed paths with my life was changed forever! I knew even then it was a Sacred Calling and I had to do it.

And now I know why! I was chosen as A Day Keeper throughout time! Each Life Time I bring that Gift into the world as it is needed at that time. It has been both a burden and a blessing, but isn't everything we do in our life? Whether it is in our jobs inside or outside the home, whether it is dealing with our own or others health issues, whether it is driving in the car or flying in an airplane; everything we do carries a
Blessing and a Burden. It is when we stay in the Burden that we get depressed and bogged down and feel taken advantage of. And I must admit there were times after the Christian Worship service was over that I resented being the last one there and realizing that the person scheduled to undress the altar had indeed gone out to lunch and I was "left" to spend an extra hour caring for this Sacred Space. What I will say is that as I began to take everything down a Peace came over me and I was always taken to another Realm and I was thankful that I was the one chosen by the Divine to finish out the Service in this way.

All it took was Shaman Maureen to do a very simple Rite for the movie play out in front of me. This Sacred Movie that we all have but that looks different for each of us. The important thing is that we remember that everything we do; every path we take; every transformation from Birth to Death to Rebirth is Sacred Time! All we need to do is Re-member it; to claim it as our Truth; and to Walk in it humbled and honored that Goddess lives only in the Blessing! And as such we can live with the Burden as She shows us the Blessings!

Blessed be!

A walk in The Garden with Goddess

For about 20 minutes I was the only one outside as I took my walk this morning-me and Goddess walking in The Garden; and as I looked around I heard the Voices of my Grandmother and my Mother say, "Fall and Winter are coming-the Trees look tired." They spoke of the Wheel Turning without naming it as such. And as I walked I too noticed that the Trees and flowers did indeed look tired.

Life after a hard day's work- I too know that Tired feeling! Like I can't wait to arrive home, take off my make up and shed my clothes. And yet with Fall the Trees and bushes put on one more splash of Color before shedding their clothes and rest for a Season. And as I walked with Goddess through The Garden, She taught me Life Lessons!

She taught me once again the lessons I need to learn about dying to Self and being reborn to the new Self that not only is there to hold up others but to allow myself to be held up as well. She taught me about being the color in a washed out life of another and to not hang on to the coat that no longer fits but gives me comfort even tho' it is worn out and no longer serves me in the cold!

And then people, dressed in their finest, began to come out of their apartments and get in their cars to go to Church. To go into a building to hear one "ordained" person give them a Life Lesson from an Old Book; a Lesson they could not learn unless they listened to his interpretation. And it made me sad on a very deep level.

As I looked around I saw thousands of different messages in the clouds, the rising sun, the Trees, flowers, birds, stones, dirt, water, buildings, cars....all with the Life Force flowing through them....individual messages written for each of us at the time meant for us to Read!

And yet thousands flock to buildings today to sing words to hymns written with someone else's doctrine; they will hear the interpretation of one person expecting all to believe it as the only Truth for all and they will return home (after a stop for lunch), not once gazing at the tired Trees and thanking them for all their hard work this past Spring and Summer. They won't pause long enough to as their God what message they are to receive from the Book Written at the beginning of Time!

I do not judge here, I simply find it interesting the choices people make. I know, I have been there too.

So Goddess smiled as I walked with Her in The Garden this morning. I thanked Her for Teaching me once again from Her Living Breathing Book!

Blessed be!

A message from Venus

                                              picture was not taken by me

I have been very honored this week to have Goddess Waning Moon and Venus walking with me in the mornings before Dawn. On Monday She was right outside my balcony; Tuesday I could see Her as soon as I walked outside; Wednesday and Thursday I had to walk a little further to see Her, but this morning She had fallen much lower in the sky and only halfway through my walk did I catch a quick glimpse of Her and realized that she was barely visible; Her thin reflection of the sun was the only thing left as She turns to Dark tomorrow.

I began to ponder this Transformation. I thought about Ancient Peoples who depended on this glorious Celestial Body in the sky for so much and then to have Her Disappear from their sight for three days must have been devastating. With Her Light gone, the Nights were Darker still!

And I pondered what this was saying to me, when all of a sudden Vensus showed Herself from behind a cloud and spoke to me! "Do not fear the Darkness! You see, when Goddess Moon Mother is resting for a few nights, I am here to provide you with the Light you so desperately seek! I along with my Sister Stars and Brother Planets are here for You! Even behind the clouds, we are here! Goddess Moon does so much for you and your planet that She needs Her time of rest. Just as you do when you have been shining too much into the world! She is resting, but soon She will begin the Waxing Process that leads Her to Fullness and Brightness and then She moves to Rest again.

You must learn from Her. Watch as She moves along Her Journey in a year. Each month She glides through her stages and yet She moves through the Seasons showing HerSelf in different areas of the Sky. She is the same each month as She makes Her journey on the path of Light to Dark and back to Light. She is predictable; She is constant; She provides HerSelf unconditionally. She asks nothing in return as She travels Her own Journey. And yet, She has a great impact on your planet and all who inhabit it. She causes the Tides to ebb and flow just as she does a woman's menstrual cycle. And for three days in each month She rests! Don't ask too much of Her during Her resting time. Send your worship and your love to Her. Tell Her your intentions for your own ebbing and flowing as you Journey.

And remember that you are not expected to Shine all the time. Find your own Rhythm and honor it."

And so my friends, this Dark Moon time will be different for me. It will be a time for me to evaluate my Self and my Personal Rhythm. It will be a time to step back and appreciate the other ways that Light comes into my life and how I don't always have to be the one providing the Light for mySelf and for Others. And I won't hurry through the next few days anxiously awaiting for Her to appear again. I rest along with Moon Goddess! I rest and I allow Her to rest!

Blessed be!
 

The Dreamcatcher

So, I must tell you what happened the day after I wrote my Hate blog post! This is the Dreamcatcher I have had since probably 1991. I bought it at one of the first Native American Pow-Wows I attended. It has a small bear charm inside and Brown Bear is one of my Animal Spirit Guides. I have hung it up every where I have lived and it has been outside on my balcony since I moved to the apartment.

The day after I wrote the Hate blog post I realized that something was missing from the overhang of my balcony and realized that the Dreamcatcher was gone. I looked down and there it was on the ground. I went down and rescued it and this is what I realized: It was very dirty and worn looking and the leather was falling apart, the beads were no longer attached to the strings. I brought it upstairs and began to wash it, but as I did, the leather strings literally fell apart and I couldn't even tie them back on.

I sat with Dreamcatcher and asked what happened. This is what Dreamcatcher said to me: "I am full and I am worn out. I have captured your bad dreams, your unfilled wishes, your heartaches and your trauma. I have been there with you in the good and the tough times and I have always let the good in and tried my best to keep the bad out. And now, my job has been completed. You, yourself, have released the last Deep Emotion that needed to be released. And after you wrote the blog post, the leather holding me together let go and I fell to the ground. All the ugliness that has been held within my spheres soaked into the ground as I laid there and the gentle rain shower in the middle of the night came down on me. I have served you well but now I must be put to rest."

I sat there in amazement. I took all the beads that had fallen off the strings and placed them in the Fairy Garden for them to play with and I cut the deer gut panels out of the inside and placed them in the candle garden on the balcony, and the bear charm I tied to my Prayer Stick, and then I wrapped up the skeleton of Dreamcatcher and placed it in the trash can.

Yes, indeed this Dreamcatcher held My Story in it's spheres. It silently hung where ever I placed it and quietly did the job of capturing the bad dreams and letting through the good. I honor the task it agreed to take on and that it fulfilled it well and faithfully!

I have another dreamcatcher that hangs in my bedroom window, but there was something so Sacred about this Dreamcatcher. I looked at the vacant place on my balcony overhang and decided to place the birdfeeder I had taken down a while ago because the birds were making such a mess with their poop in it's place! I hope the birds find it before they take off for the winter!

If not, that is ok! I will always thank Goddess for Dreamcatcher and the way it said Good bye to me!

Blessed be!

HATE

Yep, today I must blog about Hate; probably the most powerful emotion we humans feel; or choose not to feel. I was raised to "not hate." My Mom wouldn't even let us use the word and I think I did the same with my kids. I was taught that "good people" don't Hate; they may dislike someone or something, but we do not Hate! People who "hate" are bad people. And so, I grew up saying things like, "I really dislike her or him" or "I really don't like how that tastes or looks or how that person acts." Now, yes, I agree that "hate" can become very misused but on the other hand we have tried so hard to get it out of our tool box of feelings that we have caused a society of people who are pushed to their limits of intolerance and act out in horrific ways. I often wonder what it would be like if we were taught how to "hate" appropriately.

But that is not really what I want to blog about. Nope I want to blog about how this Susie Sunshine of a Gal is ready to use this word and use it boldly! This Susie Sunshine "there is good in everything and everyone", Gal is ready to admit that I have been harboring HATE....yep, true, unadulterated, pure HATE in my heart and it does not make me a bad person; it makes me a real person!

I HATE my ex-husband! I HATE him with all my heart, soul and mind. And you know what???? I do not think that Goddess loves me less, is going to punish me or send me to hell! No that was what I was brainwashed to think when I was a Christian and it was a lie!

And so, for the 30 years I was married to this Narcissistic, controlling, demeaning, abusive sexual pervert; I was held captive and in bondage by the language of the Christian Tradition that told me I was scum in the eyes of God if I even began to feel the HATE that I knew I had for this man who did such terrible things to me and ultimately to my children. I made excuses for him reminding myself that all of us are "sinners" and as such I had to forgive him for he knew not what he was doing. BULLSHIT! He knew exactly what he was doing and yet, I allowed it to continue. When I finally allowed myself to leave his sorry ass, I once again fell into my Susie Sunshine Good Christian Girl, and did not Hate this man who had done so much damage and continued to blame everyone else and hold himself up as the victim! I could have ruined him professionally and yet I wanted to be the "bigger person" and show that I was a Good Girl and did not have to take revenge. For you see, the scripture about "God will be the revenger" echoed in my head and so I smiled and even said many times, "I still love him, I just can't live with him!" What a bunch of fucking lies!

So I am here to say that even tho' I haven't laid eyes on this man for 3 years, I am ready to say loud and clear I HATE HIM! Pure and cathartic HATE! The kind of Hate that I remember trying to subdue when I would lay next to him in bed and pray...yep pray hard....that he would die right then and there. When he found out he had high blood pressure I prayed, fervently I prayed for him to have a stroke and die. Every time he got on his motorcycle I also hoped beyond hope he would go off a cliff and not come back!

Do you think I ever told anyone this? NO! Do you think this Susie Sunshine, everything is Rainbows Gal, felt guilty as hell and knew I was one step closer to that damning place every time I thought it? Yep! Do I know that HATING HIM gives him power still over me as he goes along his wonderful life (and yes he is having one hell of a wonderful life which sucks!)? I sure do so don't tell me that. I have been in therapy for years and I know that. I know that it isn't nice to wish bad things to happen to him, but what I know is that me and my kids (now grown adults) would be so much better off if he was dead!

Funny how I still have those tapes in my mind that are convicting me as I write this blog! Will they ever go away? I don't know, but I am not listening to them any more! I did  a great disservice to my kids by taking away the word for a very very strong feeling and trying to make them Susie Sunshine kids! I want a do over! I want to have not married this man, but I want the same kids and a do over! I know it would have been so much better.

And yes, I know...so please don't tell me , "but all of that is what made you and your kids the people that you are." Oh hell, let's see, my son suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD and Depression as a direct result of this marriage; my daughter goes through times of great anxiety over the memories of all the horrific porn movies she watched that her dad left in the video machine, on the computer, or at the end of her cartoons that he recorded over porn and then left at the end of the tape. And me, well, you see, I will never look at another man in the same way. I am alone and have learned to like it that way. And I have all this HATE in me for this one particular man!

So there it is; my blog on HATE! I am not willing to let this feeling go right away. I want to invite it in, sit with it and let it teach me about that deep seething horrific place that all of us have, but we just don't chose to go there. It's hard being Susie Sunshine! It really is when I have this HATRED for this man! I do in fact wish him dead and soon! And I for once don't feel guilty it at all!

Blessed be!

Where have the past 60 years gone?

 Where has the time gone I question? I know everyone asks this question, but I never thought I would be one of them. I'm a "live and let live" kind of gal! A "life begins and life ends and we make the journey no matter how long that is" kind of chick! But here as I approach this milestone of being 60 years of age, I look back and wonder "where have all the flowers gone?" I wonder how I got here cause "here" is not where I thought I would ever be! And I realize most of all that I now have less time on this journey than I have had before. My past will be much longer than my future if I have a "normal" lifespan! It was kind of a weird realization; one I had never thought of before really.

And I see that the best thing about getting older is the gift of looking back over the past and "seeing" what the journey looks like from this future place. I am able to "see" those forks in the road where I took the one least traveled and the one everyone else was following. I can "see" the potholes I avoided and the ones I fell right into thinking I could jump right over the danger and instead fell right into the muck and mud! I can "hear" the laughter and I can "see" the tears! I know the ups and the downs of being a child, a teen, a young adult, a wife, a mom, a social worker, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a fan, an employee, a spiritual person, a woman, a single woman in aging years. I know what it feels like to be disappointed, to feel guilty, to forgive and to be forgiven, to love and to be loved, to fight for what is right and to disown that which is wrong. I am a child of the 60's who has yet to give up the fight for equality, fairness, peace and love! I am a child of the 60's who still believes in the deepest chambers of my heart and soul that we are one step away from the Age of Aquarius! I am a child of the 60's who has not sold out and doesn't plan on it any time soon.

Most people look back over their life at this point and feel they still have so much to do; that their lives have been empty and they need to make major changes. But I realized this week and this is not the case for me. I can't image "doing" or "being" anything else than I was and am. Oh, there are many times I wish I had chosen another man to marry, I wish I had divorced earlier, and I wish that he wouldn't have done the damage that he did to me and to my children. But regrets only create stumbling blocks to my further enlightenment and preparation for what lies ahead.

I was a social worker for 33 years! Over half of my life was spent in direct service to hurting families and children. And I must say I was a damn excellent social worker. I helped an incredible number of people improve their lives. It was an honor to travel journeys with people that others wouldn't give the time of day! I have seen things that no one should ever have to experience or have to see. The stories I have lived with others are unimaginable even in the best horror movies. And yet, I knew I was "home" when I was working with children and families. It was both a blessing and a burden, but one I knew I had no choice but to do! But in the long run, I was changed by each and everyone who I was able to travel with. And I loved every minute of it! And so, now when someone asks me to do volunteer work, I no longer feel guilty when I say, "no, not now, sorry!"

And I have been a mom for over half my life too. My oldest son, getting ready to turn 32 and my daughter 29! Boy did those years go by fast. I love being a mom despite the fact that I didn't always make the best decisions. I tried my best and really now "see" that no matter where I am in life, no matter what I contributed to creating, no matter what is happening, I am always doing the best I can with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that I have until I can find a better way to handle the situation." Regrets are the stumbling blocks that keep me from appreciating the good that came out of an otherwise unfortunate decision to marry the man I did. The good= David and Stephanie!

A child of the 60's turns 60 tomorrow! There are lots of us who are already well into their 60's and some who are on the cusp! But I am so very thankful I was chosen to be born in 1952 and was a teen/young adult during those late 60/early 70 years! I "see" that all that I have done, have said, and become has been as a direct result of living through those times and embracing them as my Truth! But that is not all! My children formed me, each person I encountered formed me and the Spiritual Path I have traveled has formed me.

I have completed the task that I was sent to do! That is my realization. Now, I will spend the rest of my journey being a Voice of Wisdom for anyone who wants to listen! I don't have a "task" now....I have freedom! I have Freedom to stop and smell the roses any damn time I want to! I can go to work or not! I can wear that damn purple hat that was so popular years ago and I can fart in public!

And I can chose not to wear makeup, let my hair grow and eat chocolate with every meal and in-between (which I have been doing for a long time already)! I can laugh at the way I forget important things (like clocking into work) and I can smile as rub my back and my hips when they ache. And I can embrace this new journey into my Crone years!

But you know what? When I look in the mirror I still see that skinny, blonde girl with flowers in her hair, peace earrings, colored glasses and bell bottom jeans! I still "see" that heart that loves all people no matter what and who "sees" a world where all are equal, all are supported, resources are spread equally, and there are no wars! And I guess as I begin my 60th year, I am still her!!!!!! And that I am most grateful for!

Happy Birthday to me!

Women in the Olympics and Community

As I have been watching Olympics this week (oh yes, hundreds of hours!) I am reminded of what I love best about this greatest of sporting events! I love the sense of community. It begins with the opening ceremony as each team parades into the arena behind their Nation Flag; a member of their Home community and it ends at the closing ceremony (my favorite!) with all the athletes coming in together; a member of the Olympian community! They live together in the Olympic Village (even Murray the tennis star; stayed a few days even tho' he lives in London so he could be apart of the experience), they eat together and they spend time with people from other countries. A community is formed.

I have always been aware of this happening, but this year there has been more talk of it from the athletes themselves. There was talk of what they were doing and how it would affect others; especially young people watching who will see the possibilities they may have never thought possible. I am hearing less of what this will do for them as an individual and more about the community they came from and are returning to.There running in the 400 meter track race was a man from South Africa who is a double amputee. What an example for people all over the world as they watch and hear his story. It is about the stories too. That is what makes community. Telling the stories.

But what has stood out the most to me is that within this community there are more women then ever competing. In fact there are more women at the Olympics this year than men! A far cry from the beginning when women were not allowed to compete, but had their own competitions.

And what women bring to the table is that sense of community and story telling. And the story telling is not always oral.

Surghar Daily, the Afganistan Muslim woman who ran in a track event wearing her Hajab, respecting the religious community she is a part of where women must be covered at all times. She was last, but what she said was how much she hoped she was giving young girls in her country the message that can break out of their shell and achieve so much more than they are told they can.

Hala Gezah, Libya's track star, speaks of all she has had to go through in her country to make it this far. She has been ridiculed and yet she has made it in a country where she was expected to be pregnant at age 13 and has stood her ground as she pursued her dreams. She too spoke of being that role model for girls in her country.

Wodan Shaherkhani is the first Saudi woman to be in the Olympics and competed in Judo. Again speaking o what she will bring back to her country.

And then we have Jordyn Wieber, US gymnastic. Talk about example of it "not being all about her" and all about the community. She was the one expected to take the Gold in the All Around and she didn't quality to compete in that event. She was mortified and so upset, but when it came time to compete for the Gold Team metal she was instrumental in having those metals hung around all 5 shoulders. It was no longer about the fact she could not compete in the All Around; it was all about the community of the Fab Five and she was incredible!

Gabby was the first African American Woman to win the All Around Gold Metal. She spoke of how she was humbled thinking about the young black girls watching her and believing that one day they could achieve the same. She will bring that hope back to her community!

This is only a few of the wonderful stories at the Olympics. We should watch and learn about what healthy competition looks like; what community looks like; and strive to be like that every day.

So, as I think about all of this I return to the fact that there are more women competing than ever before. Women bring community. Women tell stories. Women embrace peace and harmony. Yes, I love watching the sporting events. For those who know me I am a sports addict and geek! But when it comes to the Olympics I see through the Veil! I see more than the score of who wins and which flags are flown at the metal ceremonies. I see community!

And this year.....it looks more like the Goddess than ever!

Blessed be!

Athletes marching in together at the closing ceremony of Beijing 2008!