Yep, today I must blog about Hate; probably the most powerful emotion we humans feel; or choose not to feel. I was raised to "not hate." My Mom wouldn't even let us use the word and I think I did the same with my kids. I was taught that "good people" don't Hate; they may dislike someone or something, but we do not Hate! People who "hate" are bad people. And so, I grew up saying things like, "I really dislike her or him" or "I really don't like how that tastes or looks or how that person acts." Now, yes, I agree that "hate" can become very misused but on the other hand we have tried so hard to get it out of our tool box of feelings that we have caused a society of people who are pushed to their limits of intolerance and act out in horrific ways. I often wonder what it would be like if we were taught how to "hate" appropriately.
But that is not really what I want to blog about. Nope I want to blog about how this Susie Sunshine of a Gal is ready to use this word and use it boldly! This Susie Sunshine "there is good in everything and everyone", Gal is ready to admit that I have been harboring HATE....yep, true, unadulterated, pure HATE in my heart and it does not make me a bad person; it makes me a real person!
I HATE my ex-husband! I HATE him with all my heart, soul and mind. And you know what???? I do not think that Goddess loves me less, is going to punish me or send me to hell! No that was what I was brainwashed to think when I was a Christian and it was a lie!
And so, for the 30 years I was married to this Narcissistic, controlling, demeaning, abusive sexual pervert; I was held captive and in bondage by the language of the Christian Tradition that told me I was scum in the eyes of God if I even began to feel the HATE that I knew I had for this man who did such terrible things to me and ultimately to my children. I made excuses for him reminding myself that all of us are "sinners" and as such I had to forgive him for he knew not what he was doing. BULLSHIT! He knew exactly what he was doing and yet, I allowed it to continue. When I finally allowed myself to leave his sorry ass, I once again fell into my Susie Sunshine Good Christian Girl, and did not Hate this man who had done so much damage and continued to blame everyone else and hold himself up as the victim! I could have ruined him professionally and yet I wanted to be the "bigger person" and show that I was a Good Girl and did not have to take revenge. For you see, the scripture about "God will be the revenger" echoed in my head and so I smiled and even said many times, "I still love him, I just can't live with him!" What a bunch of fucking lies!
So I am here to say that even tho' I haven't laid eyes on this man for 3 years, I am ready to say loud and clear I HATE HIM! Pure and cathartic HATE! The kind of Hate that I remember trying to subdue when I would lay next to him in bed and pray...yep pray hard....that he would die right then and there. When he found out he had high blood pressure I prayed, fervently I prayed for him to have a stroke and die. Every time he got on his motorcycle I also hoped beyond hope he would go off a cliff and not come back!
Do you think I ever told anyone this? NO! Do you think this Susie Sunshine, everything is Rainbows Gal, felt guilty as hell and knew I was one step closer to that damning place every time I thought it? Yep! Do I know that HATING HIM gives him power still over me as he goes along his wonderful life (and yes he is having one hell of a wonderful life which sucks!)? I sure do so don't tell me that. I have been in therapy for years and I know that. I know that it isn't nice to wish bad things to happen to him, but what I know is that me and my kids (now grown adults) would be so much better off if he was dead!
Funny how I still have those tapes in my mind that are convicting me as I write this blog! Will they ever go away? I don't know, but I am not listening to them any more! I did a great disservice to my kids by taking away the word for a very very strong feeling and trying to make them Susie Sunshine kids! I want a do over! I want to have not married this man, but I want the same kids and a do over! I know it would have been so much better.
And yes, I know...so please don't tell me , "but all of that is what made you and your kids the people that you are." Oh hell, let's see, my son suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD and Depression as a direct result of this marriage; my daughter goes through times of great anxiety over the memories of all the horrific porn movies she watched that her dad left in the video machine, on the computer, or at the end of her cartoons that he recorded over porn and then left at the end of the tape. And me, well, you see, I will never look at another man in the same way. I am alone and have learned to like it that way. And I have all this HATE in me for this one particular man!
So there it is; my blog on HATE! I am not willing to let this feeling go right away. I want to invite it in, sit with it and let it teach me about that deep seething horrific place that all of us have, but we just don't chose to go there. It's hard being Susie Sunshine! It really is when I have this HATRED for this man! I do in fact wish him dead and soon! And I for once don't feel guilty it at all!
Blessed be!
Beloved Sister mine, you've done nothing wrong. In fact, speaking fully and honestly to cleanse your heart, mind and soul is probably the best thing you could do for yourself. Just please, don't let the burning energy of your fury go to waste. Use it as you continue to reach out to your Sisters. Find them, share with them, save them from others and from themselves. Teach them as only you can, from deep experience. Teach them how to thrive. Namaste.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! It has been 10 years since I left him and I have spoken to so many women about their own situation. I have been a powerful model of thriving to my daughter! I am so happy to be in a few FB groups that deal with men like this. And just think....I did this for 30 years of social work...speaking the words to other women that I should have been speaking to myself; but denial is like that...couldn't admit I was them!
DeleteI spent 11 years in an abusive marriage. I left when my children were still young. I got out but my family blamed me. Accused me of taking my childrens father from them. My own father was even more abusive, yet my mother spent all of my teenage years trying to get him to take her back after he left. He is a pedophile, spent some time in prison but not nearly enough. Hate made me strong enough to leave. Hate made me strong enough to have my father sent to prison so he could no longer hurt my half siblings from his second marriage.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you too had an experience such as that. I waited until my kids were adults (18 and 21) and am not sure it was any better for them. I am so glad you sent your father to prison! You are a brave woman! good for you!
Deletelove you sister!! scream it to the rafters!! a wise teacher once told me that it was only necessary for ME to forgive myself for not being able to forgive another...a very powerful lesson indeed!! hate but don't hold on...move on!!! ♥♥♥ <*)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your wise words! oh Susie Sunshine is really my DNA so move on I will. It's freeing tho' to get to this point! love you back!
DeleteDear One ~
ReplyDeleteThe muse is out to lunch right now so I'm not even quite sure how to articulate what I feel....but, I can tell you this....I'm not sure I have ever really HATED anyone in my whole entire life, but some of the emotions I have felt toward my now-ex, narcissistic, self-centered, egotistical, outright CRUEL and abusive husband are as close as one can get to hate. I struggle with it quite often...
And, as you know, I was raised in a uber-conservative, rigid, fear-based, Christian school where we were not allowed to HATE either. In fact, we were punished for saying the word. It has taken me many years to shed the feelings of guilt, shame, and humiliation associated with doing so much as saying, "BOO" because of the absurd principles that had been engrained into my Being during my formative years. *sigh*
More recently, I am just trying to reconcile in my own mind and heart these very strong emotions and how to balance them in such a way as to serve my own Highest Good as well of that of those who surround me. I am a spiritual Being, in a human body, trying to make it through this Earthly experience. Goddess purposely created me with these emotions, so I'm not sure how it could be a S-I-N to experience them!
I continuously strive to CHANNEL them in positive ways...in ways that will somehow either directly or indirectly benefit myself, my family, students, friends, or humanity as a whole. Not always possible. I'm not perfect. Or maybe I am perfect (in the likeness of the Creatrix) and that INCLUDES a gazillion possible emotions. Speaking from a non-dualistic perspective, that would mean no emotion is GOOD or BAD, but just IS.
Ref: these men! There is so much talk about FORGIVENESS these days. Hundreds of books, websites, coaching, and so on.....While I totally GET that forgiveness is mostly for the benefit of the victim, not the perpetrator, I dunno.....I admit to getting just flat out PISSED OFF and feeling much like a fucking doormat at times, esp. when I see no sign of karma or justice or anything at all! I can't help it. I guess I'm just not that evolved yet. I work with women all day long, and I just can't figure out why/how - in this year of 2012 - abusers are still seemingly walking away unscathed, while we are left to pick up the damn pieces. I hear stories all day long about it, not to mention living my own. And, yes, it invokes emotions in me like fear, hatred, resentfulness, bitterness, anger, and more. I have to remind myself daily that it's OK to feel these emotions and that I am not a horrible human being. But an ABUSER IS.
There are also many revered spiritual teachers who contend that, "whatever you THINK, is already done unto you." Having trouble with this also here lately. Given that I totally GET and believe in the theory of Oneness,this makes perfect sense. But, I guess I just want to deny it, or somehow justify it away.
B-A-L-A-N-C-E. It is indeed all about B-A-L-A-N-C-E, isn't it, Love? :)
Thanks for this post.
Namaste, my beautiful friend.
Love,
Tina/Vega
As I'm sure you know my life by now but I was married to a man who drank everyday of his life and abused me to no end and raped me several times and had me so brainwashed telling me how ugly and fat I was then abused my kids as well,I hated him everyday and yes I did pray for him to die too!! He would always tell me no one else would have me if he left and he ran around on me and spent all his money and then I was left to take care of my kids the best way I could,having to live out of a car on the river banks and in a old shack and wherever we could find a place. He didn't care about me or the kids as long as he got what he wanted!! There wasn't a day I didn't think about wishing him dead and actually thought about doing it myself,I know that sounds awful but after seeing him try to kill my kids and me one last time I had enough and thought how much I hated him!! I finally after 23 years of that got the courage and went and filed for a restraining order and had him jailed. I then went to a legal aid lawyer and told her what was going on and told her I wanted to file for a divorce and she helped me do that with no payment whatsoever! That was the best day of my life,then in Sept.of 1994 I finally gained my freedom. My kids grew to hate me and decided to go thier own way and its been 12 years of not seeing them or speaking to them up until just a mnth ago here on Facebook and I was left to pick up the peices of my life and try to go on! Thanks to the man who I have in my life now,he came along and picked me up,dusted me off and got me back up and going.Our life is not perfect by no means even now,I still have problems with self esteem and not knowing what real love is because I was done wrong all my life. My adopted father abused me and used me before I ran away and got married my first time at 18 years old so the word "HATE"was something I didn't like using and still don't but after a lifetime of abuse and being used YES I used it and meant it!! I try now to use the word love more often but its still hard but I am a "SURVIVOR" and proud of it and now my life goes on each day with knowing I have friends who I hope love me as much as I love them and someone who loves me dispite all I've gone through!! I'm stronger for it and now I stand up with my head held high because I know I'm me now,who I'm supposed to be!! Thank you my dearest sister for this blog and you are the sweetest Goddess I have ever had the privelege to know and love in my lifetime!! You inspire me each day and for that I'm very grateful!!!! YOUR SISTER WITCH --Winter Arwen EveningStar
ReplyDeleteI had missed this post! Powerful, Sister! I totally understand. I used to wish that my dad would die. He finally did a couple of years ago and I'm happy about it. There are just some people in this world who make our lives miserable by their very existence.
ReplyDeleteThe other day I told a coworker that I was afraid I had said the wrong thing to someone I cared about. Her very wise response was, "well, how can it be wrong when that is what you were feeling?"
Indeed.
Hi thanks for posting thhis
ReplyDelete