Saturday, September 8, 2012
Yep, today I must blog about Hate; probably the most powerful emotion we humans feel; or choose not to feel. I was raised to "not hate." My Mom wouldn't even let us use the word and I think I did the same with my kids. I was taught that "good people" don't Hate; they may dislike someone or something, but we do not Hate! People who "hate" are bad people. And so, I grew up saying things like, "I really dislike her or him" or "I really don't like how that tastes or looks or how that person acts." Now, yes, I agree that "hate" can become very misused but on the other hand we have tried so hard to get it out of our tool box of feelings that we have caused a society of people who are pushed to their limits of intolerance and act out in horrific ways. I often wonder what it would be like if we were taught how to "hate" appropriately.
But that is not really what I want to blog about. Nope I want to blog about how this Susie Sunshine of a Gal is ready to use this word and use it boldly! This Susie Sunshine "there is good in everything and everyone", Gal is ready to admit that I have been harboring HATE....yep, true, unadulterated, pure HATE in my heart and it does not make me a bad person; it makes me a real person!
I HATE my ex-husband! I HATE him with all my heart, soul and mind. And you know what???? I do not think that Goddess loves me less, is going to punish me or send me to hell! No that was what I was brainwashed to think when I was a Christian and it was a lie!
And so, for the 30 years I was married to this Narcissistic, controlling, demeaning, abusive sexual pervert; I was held captive and in bondage by the language of the Christian Tradition that told me I was scum in the eyes of God if I even began to feel the HATE that I knew I had for this man who did such terrible things to me and ultimately to my children. I made excuses for him reminding myself that all of us are "sinners" and as such I had to forgive him for he knew not what he was doing. BULLSHIT! He knew exactly what he was doing and yet, I allowed it to continue. When I finally allowed myself to leave his sorry ass, I once again fell into my Susie Sunshine Good Christian Girl, and did not Hate this man who had done so much damage and continued to blame everyone else and hold himself up as the victim! I could have ruined him professionally and yet I wanted to be the "bigger person" and show that I was a Good Girl and did not have to take revenge. For you see, the scripture about "God will be the revenger" echoed in my head and so I smiled and even said many times, "I still love him, I just can't live with him!" What a bunch of fucking lies!
So I am here to say that even tho' I haven't laid eyes on this man for 3 years, I am ready to say loud and clear I HATE HIM! Pure and cathartic HATE! The kind of Hate that I remember trying to subdue when I would lay next to him in bed and pray...yep pray hard....that he would die right then and there. When he found out he had high blood pressure I prayed, fervently I prayed for him to have a stroke and die. Every time he got on his motorcycle I also hoped beyond hope he would go off a cliff and not come back!
Do you think I ever told anyone this? NO! Do you think this Susie Sunshine, everything is Rainbows Gal, felt guilty as hell and knew I was one step closer to that damning place every time I thought it? Yep! Do I know that HATING HIM gives him power still over me as he goes along his wonderful life (and yes he is having one hell of a wonderful life which sucks!)? I sure do so don't tell me that. I have been in therapy for years and I know that. I know that it isn't nice to wish bad things to happen to him, but what I know is that me and my kids (now grown adults) would be so much better off if he was dead!
Funny how I still have those tapes in my mind that are convicting me as I write this blog! Will they ever go away? I don't know, but I am not listening to them any more! I did a great disservice to my kids by taking away the word for a very very strong feeling and trying to make them Susie Sunshine kids! I want a do over! I want to have not married this man, but I want the same kids and a do over! I know it would have been so much better.
And yes, I know...so please don't tell me , "but all of that is what made you and your kids the people that you are." Oh hell, let's see, my son suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD and Depression as a direct result of this marriage; my daughter goes through times of great anxiety over the memories of all the horrific porn movies she watched that her dad left in the video machine, on the computer, or at the end of her cartoons that he recorded over porn and then left at the end of the tape. And me, well, you see, I will never look at another man in the same way. I am alone and have learned to like it that way. And I have all this HATE in me for this one particular man!
So there it is; my blog on HATE! I am not willing to let this feeling go right away. I want to invite it in, sit with it and let it teach me about that deep seething horrific place that all of us have, but we just don't chose to go there. It's hard being Susie Sunshine! It really is when I have this HATRED for this man! I do in fact wish him dead and soon! And I for once don't feel guilty it at all!