Saturday, October 6, 2012

What Healing Looks Like

The Shaman Way Class I am taking is sending me on a journey like no other that I can remember. So much to absorb and I want to talk about it, but to whom? So I will blog!

Maureen says: "Healing is releasing what is not yours and bringing in and dealing with that which is and then releasing that which no longer serves you, but in doing so you must honor both." So mote it be!

Last Tuesday night, I realized something so very important in my healing. As many of you know I had a 30 year marriage full of emotional, sexual and mental abuse by a man I did not realize suffered from Narcissism. Being addicted to pornography wounded me and my children and he continues to blame every one else but himself. Over the past 10 years since I left him, I have tried many different ways to heal the open wounds of myself and my adult children. And yet, I knew that I was still chained to those 30 years.

And then it happened. The Veil opened and I SAW (thank you Seer Rite) the reason for this. Here is what I learned:

By living in the Past I thought I could rewrite the story; I could change the decisions that were made or not made; I could protect my children and myself from the damages of the choices my husband/their father made that has caused the wounds we all carry. I also thought, and this is a biggie, that by staying there, I was showing my children that I loved them, cared for them, and still suffered with and for them. (Wacky huh?) It was as if by moving on, I was betraying what had been done to them. Like I was saying, "OK, so shit happens, get over it; I am moving on!" Betrayal at its worse!

I began to SEE what was mine and what was not. The sexual abuse in the day care home by a teenage boy on my son (not knowing about it until he was 22 years of age) is not mine! I did not know about it, saw no signs, and when he began to have nightmares etc in elementary school. I did in fact ask the questions of him about day care, school, boy scouts, etc. But he had buried the memories and always said nothing happened. I cannot go back and undue what happened, nor can I take away the pain he is experiencing now as he walks the journey of being a Survivor of Sexual Abuse. Guilt is a heavy chain to carry and it has only served to keep my wounds open and festering and does his also. For when I do not heal then others cannot heal. Healing ourselves helps the world/universe to heal! Energy works like that! It is Magick!

The choices that my husband made are not mine to carry. They are his to live with, to heal from if he chooses, and to carry for as long as he chooses.

Sound like I am not taking any responsibility for how life was in those 30 years? That is not it. I take full responsibility for choosing the man I did, for staying as long as I did and for falling into the enabling/co-dependent life style so typical of abused women! I so wanted that marriage to work because if it didn't then I failed! I know what I did to perpetuate the illness going on in this family system. But now what I can do is say, "No matter where I am in life, no matter what I contributed to creating, no matter what is happening, I am always doing the best I can with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that I have until I can find a better way to handle the situation." And the better way to handle the situation was to leave the marriage.

Now, the better way to handle the situation is to Heal; really Heal; not just kinda sorta heal. That will also be the journey of my children. That is theirs and not mine. I cannot hurry it along, I cannot make it easier, I can only love them the very best way I know how right now!

So how did carrying all that serve me? It forced me to face the Shadows in Me! It forced me to look right into the Past and honor what happened and to then release it into the Fire thus freeing up Space for Healing, for Rebirth, and for Awesomeness! It brought me to the place of Standing in my Truth and Speaking with the Voice of the Divine! Claiming what is Mine and not what is Yours! Standing as a Light-bearer in a new Way: not as a Savior/Fixer but as One Called to Bring the Light, Be the Light and thus Shine the Light on Others who want to SEE in new and different ways and as such begin their own Healing Journey!

I have come a long way; no doubt, but it is a Life Long Journey! I no longer fear what lies behind me or ahead of me! It is all Good and Right in its own Way!

Blessed be! Blessed be!


  1. I have been there too but the worst part was distancing myself from a narcissistic daughter ..... and like you I was a fixer .... sorting out everyone's life .... and as you know my life is now very very limited .... but true to my own "self" I am now healing ..... I too have had relationships .... where I was abused .... from birth to the last marriage .... I no longer have fear ..... but I have suffered great loss - and sometimes like today I just sat here and cried uncontrollable sobs ... like a child ....then a picked up q kilo of poultry pellets and went to feed the ducks and sat in the sunshine for the afternoon with my sat and my cockerel ..... just sitting and watching .....

  2. This is phenomenal. Love it, Sunshine!!! I am so happy for you.

  3. don't ya just love the moment that you realize what belongs to you and what you have been hauling around that does not!!! so you throw off all the stuff that is not yours and you are so light and fluffy...and you feel so free....yummy!!!! i LOVE to say *not my stuff*, *not my biz*......and standing in one's truth....even when you do have some stuff you need to work on...feels so good!!!! happy dancing for you my sister!!! all is well!!! <*)

  4. Yes, this is something I learned from my native elder,to let the wind take away what you do not need to walk with...and only let remain the lessons you need for your journey, such a simple concept, yet often hard to do. Basically you have to turn your life over to goddess and let her take the wheel.This lesson is the reason I have the crescent moon tattooed on my forehead, a daily reminder that I have turned my life over to the Divine:) ~Angelique Ahkilanda~

  5. Dear and beloved sister, you are 100% correct. I shall do my best to encourage Rhia to read this, as you, she and I have a lot in common. Just last night, she and I were discussing the impact our choices have on others. I won't say anything more about it, other than to reassure you of your value, to Rhia and me, and to all sisterwomen. Welcome to the rest of your life!

    PS - Much of what you have brought to light is prodding me to blog about a similar matter!

  6. Beautifully written ..Thank you ..I know I need to work on Healing the past and letting go ... )0( you shine brightly