Wednesday, January 14, 2015
“I thought of the woman I always thought of in such moments: an astrologer who’d read my natal chart when I was twenty-three. I didn’t put much faith in it. I thought it would be a bit of fun, an ego-boosting session during which she’d say generic things like You have a kind heart.
But she didn’t. Or rather, she said those things, but she also said bizarrely specific things that were so accurate and particular, so simultaneously consoling and upsetting, that it was all I could do not to bawl in recognition and grief. “How can you know this?” I kept demanding. ….and then she’d say another thing that would blow my brain into about seven thousand pieces because it was so true.
Until she began to speak of my father. ‘Was he a Vietnam vet?’ she asked. No, I told her, he wasn’t. He was in the military in the mid-1960’s—in fact, he was stationed at the base in Colorado Springs where my mother’s father was stationed, which is how my parents met—but never in Vietnam.
‘It seem she was like a Vietnam vet,’ she persisted. ‘Perhaps not literally. But he has something in common with some of those men. He was deeply wounded. He was damaged. His damage had infected his life and has infected you.’
I was not going to nod. Everything that had every happened to me in my whole life was mixed into the cement that kept my head perfectly still at the moment an astrologer told me that my father had infected me.
‘Wounded?’ was all I could manage.
‘Yes,’ said Pat. ‘And you’re wounded in the same place. That’s what fathers do if they don’t heal their wounds. They wound their children in the same place.’
‘Hmm,’ I said, my face blank.
‘I could be wrong.’ She gazed down a the paper between us. ‘This isn’t necessarily literal.’
‘Actually, I only saw my father three times after I was six,’ I said.
‘The father’s job is to teach his children how to be warriors, to give them the confidence to get on the horse and ride into battle when it’s necessary to do so. If you don’t get that from your father, you have to teach yourself.’
‘But—I think I have already,’ I sputtered. ‘I’m strong—I face things, I----‘
‘This isn’t about strength,’ said Pat. ‘And you may not be able to see this yet, but perhaps there will come a time—it could be years from now—when you’ll need to get on your horse and ride into battle and you’re going to hesitate. You’re going to falter. To heal the wound your father made, you’re gong to have to get on that horse and ride into battle like a warrior.’ “
Excerpt from Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Pages 203-205
My reflections: Out of the entire book, which was amazing and marvelous, this stood out in huge and loud words! Wow! If our fathers do not heal their wounds, they wound their children in the same place.
I did not go directly to my father; that is for another time. But I began thinking about David and Stephanie. Bob was terribly wounded and would not do anything about it of course. Where were his wounds? He has Narcissism, and it was always about himself. He has issues with women and put that on Stephanie and me. But he put the Narcissism on David. It was all about David, and he modeled how to mistreat women, use women, how sex is the beginning and end of all relationships. Both my kids and me were wounded at the sex place…being sexually abused by the constant availability of porn in our house. Both watching it when we were not home.
I am digesting this part of the book and during my massage and then mouth surgery had these vision:
I am standing on a cliff overlooking a vast valley. I am in Native America attire. I am standing beside a beautiful White Mare. She was adorned in ribbons and had a very long mane! Beside me was Wolf! I was gazing out into the landscape, which was full of mountains.
As I stood there, Stephanie walked up behind me with her white Mare and Otter. They joined me at the cliff and we gazed upon the Valley together. She too had on Native American attire. She looked at me and smiled!
Then, David arrived with his White Stallion. Beside him were Wolf and Buffalo. They came to stand with us also. But David had a very distressed look on his face. Stephanie and I nodded at him and then we both mounted our Mares.
David looked at his Steed and stood there. He seemed afraid to mount his horse. He stood there forever so long looking at us and looking at the horse. Stephanie and I waited and nodded to him to get on his horse. She told him that we would help him and he would be safe. But he would not get on the horse.
Interpretation: Stephanie and I had to get on our own horses and teach each other how to be Warriors and ride into battles. We did so in order to heal those wounded parts. My father did not wound me…he actually taught me how to ride into battle, but Bob wounded me in the places he was wounding the kids. He wounded us all.
Stephanie and I got on our Mares and rode out into Battle in spite the woundedness we suffered at the hands of this man. We now ride our Mares with confidence and security, knowing that our wounds are healed and we will not carry them into battles. We carry strength, resiliency, assuredness, and knowledge! We carry our deep Divine Female Voices into the World and are happy where we are and what we do.
David on the other hand was not taught, now does he have the self-ability to ride away from the man who did the wounding. He was more wounded because Bob gave him the mental illness. David has gotten on his Stallion but faltered and failed (going to New Orleans and having to come back to Roanoke; entering the OT graduate program and dropping out).
While having the two dental implants put in yesterday, I had this vision again. This time Stephanie and I were already at the Cliff and on our horses. David walked his horse to join us with Wolf and Buffalo. He once again stood looking at us, and the Valley that awaited us below. He began to put his foot into the stirrup (Stephanie and I were bareback, but he had full saddle.), and hesitated.
Stephanie got down from her horse and walked over to David. She hugged him and handed him a Native American breastplate and told him to put it on. He did so almost hesitantly. She then took his foot and put it in the stirrup. Buffalo came closer and snorted and raised his head. Wolf began to howl!
David left his foot there for a time and looked up at me. I smiled and nodded my head and then looked to the Valley.
Stephanie helped David into the saddle where he sat tall and regal. Like a real Warrior. Buffalo and Wolf bent down on their knees and honored him.
Stephanie mounted her Mare and looked into the Valley. I kneed my beautiful Stallion and set forth down the mountainside. Stephanie nodded to David to go next, which he again did hesitantly, but holding on tightly to the reigns, he began behind me; Stephanie followed behind him.
That was the end of that Vision.
David will not be able to ride off into battle as a warrior until he leaves Bob and joins up with the Women in his life who actually demonstrate how to ride into battle!
It will be scary and he will want to falter, as the wounds his father gave him are deep and profound. They have been controlling his life, just as they could have controlled ours. But Stephanie and I got on our own horses and left that who was wounding us. And now, we are on our own adventure as Warrior Women in charge of our own horses, our own adventures, and our own lives!
I hope David will join us!