HATE

Yep, today I must blog about Hate; probably the most powerful emotion we humans feel; or choose not to feel. I was raised to "not hate." My Mom wouldn't even let us use the word and I think I did the same with my kids. I was taught that "good people" don't Hate; they may dislike someone or something, but we do not Hate! People who "hate" are bad people. And so, I grew up saying things like, "I really dislike her or him" or "I really don't like how that tastes or looks or how that person acts." Now, yes, I agree that "hate" can become very misused but on the other hand we have tried so hard to get it out of our tool box of feelings that we have caused a society of people who are pushed to their limits of intolerance and act out in horrific ways. I often wonder what it would be like if we were taught how to "hate" appropriately.

But that is not really what I want to blog about. Nope I want to blog about how this Susie Sunshine of a Gal is ready to use this word and use it boldly! This Susie Sunshine "there is good in everything and everyone", Gal is ready to admit that I have been harboring HATE....yep, true, unadulterated, pure HATE in my heart and it does not make me a bad person; it makes me a real person!

I HATE my ex-husband! I HATE him with all my heart, soul and mind. And you know what???? I do not think that Goddess loves me less, is going to punish me or send me to hell! No that was what I was brainwashed to think when I was a Christian and it was a lie!

And so, for the 30 years I was married to this Narcissistic, controlling, demeaning, abusive sexual pervert; I was held captive and in bondage by the language of the Christian Tradition that told me I was scum in the eyes of God if I even began to feel the HATE that I knew I had for this man who did such terrible things to me and ultimately to my children. I made excuses for him reminding myself that all of us are "sinners" and as such I had to forgive him for he knew not what he was doing. BULLSHIT! He knew exactly what he was doing and yet, I allowed it to continue. When I finally allowed myself to leave his sorry ass, I once again fell into my Susie Sunshine Good Christian Girl, and did not Hate this man who had done so much damage and continued to blame everyone else and hold himself up as the victim! I could have ruined him professionally and yet I wanted to be the "bigger person" and show that I was a Good Girl and did not have to take revenge. For you see, the scripture about "God will be the revenger" echoed in my head and so I smiled and even said many times, "I still love him, I just can't live with him!" What a bunch of fucking lies!

So I am here to say that even tho' I haven't laid eyes on this man for 3 years, I am ready to say loud and clear I HATE HIM! Pure and cathartic HATE! The kind of Hate that I remember trying to subdue when I would lay next to him in bed and pray...yep pray hard....that he would die right then and there. When he found out he had high blood pressure I prayed, fervently I prayed for him to have a stroke and die. Every time he got on his motorcycle I also hoped beyond hope he would go off a cliff and not come back!

Do you think I ever told anyone this? NO! Do you think this Susie Sunshine, everything is Rainbows Gal, felt guilty as hell and knew I was one step closer to that damning place every time I thought it? Yep! Do I know that HATING HIM gives him power still over me as he goes along his wonderful life (and yes he is having one hell of a wonderful life which sucks!)? I sure do so don't tell me that. I have been in therapy for years and I know that. I know that it isn't nice to wish bad things to happen to him, but what I know is that me and my kids (now grown adults) would be so much better off if he was dead!

Funny how I still have those tapes in my mind that are convicting me as I write this blog! Will they ever go away? I don't know, but I am not listening to them any more! I did  a great disservice to my kids by taking away the word for a very very strong feeling and trying to make them Susie Sunshine kids! I want a do over! I want to have not married this man, but I want the same kids and a do over! I know it would have been so much better.

And yes, I know...so please don't tell me , "but all of that is what made you and your kids the people that you are." Oh hell, let's see, my son suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD and Depression as a direct result of this marriage; my daughter goes through times of great anxiety over the memories of all the horrific porn movies she watched that her dad left in the video machine, on the computer, or at the end of her cartoons that he recorded over porn and then left at the end of the tape. And me, well, you see, I will never look at another man in the same way. I am alone and have learned to like it that way. And I have all this HATE in me for this one particular man!

So there it is; my blog on HATE! I am not willing to let this feeling go right away. I want to invite it in, sit with it and let it teach me about that deep seething horrific place that all of us have, but we just don't chose to go there. It's hard being Susie Sunshine! It really is when I have this HATRED for this man! I do in fact wish him dead and soon! And I for once don't feel guilty it at all!

Blessed be!

Where have the past 60 years gone?

 Where has the time gone I question? I know everyone asks this question, but I never thought I would be one of them. I'm a "live and let live" kind of gal! A "life begins and life ends and we make the journey no matter how long that is" kind of chick! But here as I approach this milestone of being 60 years of age, I look back and wonder "where have all the flowers gone?" I wonder how I got here cause "here" is not where I thought I would ever be! And I realize most of all that I now have less time on this journey than I have had before. My past will be much longer than my future if I have a "normal" lifespan! It was kind of a weird realization; one I had never thought of before really.

And I see that the best thing about getting older is the gift of looking back over the past and "seeing" what the journey looks like from this future place. I am able to "see" those forks in the road where I took the one least traveled and the one everyone else was following. I can "see" the potholes I avoided and the ones I fell right into thinking I could jump right over the danger and instead fell right into the muck and mud! I can "hear" the laughter and I can "see" the tears! I know the ups and the downs of being a child, a teen, a young adult, a wife, a mom, a social worker, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a fan, an employee, a spiritual person, a woman, a single woman in aging years. I know what it feels like to be disappointed, to feel guilty, to forgive and to be forgiven, to love and to be loved, to fight for what is right and to disown that which is wrong. I am a child of the 60's who has yet to give up the fight for equality, fairness, peace and love! I am a child of the 60's who still believes in the deepest chambers of my heart and soul that we are one step away from the Age of Aquarius! I am a child of the 60's who has not sold out and doesn't plan on it any time soon.

Most people look back over their life at this point and feel they still have so much to do; that their lives have been empty and they need to make major changes. But I realized this week and this is not the case for me. I can't image "doing" or "being" anything else than I was and am. Oh, there are many times I wish I had chosen another man to marry, I wish I had divorced earlier, and I wish that he wouldn't have done the damage that he did to me and to my children. But regrets only create stumbling blocks to my further enlightenment and preparation for what lies ahead.

I was a social worker for 33 years! Over half of my life was spent in direct service to hurting families and children. And I must say I was a damn excellent social worker. I helped an incredible number of people improve their lives. It was an honor to travel journeys with people that others wouldn't give the time of day! I have seen things that no one should ever have to experience or have to see. The stories I have lived with others are unimaginable even in the best horror movies. And yet, I knew I was "home" when I was working with children and families. It was both a blessing and a burden, but one I knew I had no choice but to do! But in the long run, I was changed by each and everyone who I was able to travel with. And I loved every minute of it! And so, now when someone asks me to do volunteer work, I no longer feel guilty when I say, "no, not now, sorry!"

And I have been a mom for over half my life too. My oldest son, getting ready to turn 32 and my daughter 29! Boy did those years go by fast. I love being a mom despite the fact that I didn't always make the best decisions. I tried my best and really now "see" that no matter where I am in life, no matter what I contributed to creating, no matter what is happening, I am always doing the best I can with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that I have until I can find a better way to handle the situation." Regrets are the stumbling blocks that keep me from appreciating the good that came out of an otherwise unfortunate decision to marry the man I did. The good= David and Stephanie!

A child of the 60's turns 60 tomorrow! There are lots of us who are already well into their 60's and some who are on the cusp! But I am so very thankful I was chosen to be born in 1952 and was a teen/young adult during those late 60/early 70 years! I "see" that all that I have done, have said, and become has been as a direct result of living through those times and embracing them as my Truth! But that is not all! My children formed me, each person I encountered formed me and the Spiritual Path I have traveled has formed me.

I have completed the task that I was sent to do! That is my realization. Now, I will spend the rest of my journey being a Voice of Wisdom for anyone who wants to listen! I don't have a "task" now....I have freedom! I have Freedom to stop and smell the roses any damn time I want to! I can go to work or not! I can wear that damn purple hat that was so popular years ago and I can fart in public!

And I can chose not to wear makeup, let my hair grow and eat chocolate with every meal and in-between (which I have been doing for a long time already)! I can laugh at the way I forget important things (like clocking into work) and I can smile as rub my back and my hips when they ache. And I can embrace this new journey into my Crone years!

But you know what? When I look in the mirror I still see that skinny, blonde girl with flowers in her hair, peace earrings, colored glasses and bell bottom jeans! I still "see" that heart that loves all people no matter what and who "sees" a world where all are equal, all are supported, resources are spread equally, and there are no wars! And I guess as I begin my 60th year, I am still her!!!!!! And that I am most grateful for!

Happy Birthday to me!

Women in the Olympics and Community

As I have been watching Olympics this week (oh yes, hundreds of hours!) I am reminded of what I love best about this greatest of sporting events! I love the sense of community. It begins with the opening ceremony as each team parades into the arena behind their Nation Flag; a member of their Home community and it ends at the closing ceremony (my favorite!) with all the athletes coming in together; a member of the Olympian community! They live together in the Olympic Village (even Murray the tennis star; stayed a few days even tho' he lives in London so he could be apart of the experience), they eat together and they spend time with people from other countries. A community is formed.

I have always been aware of this happening, but this year there has been more talk of it from the athletes themselves. There was talk of what they were doing and how it would affect others; especially young people watching who will see the possibilities they may have never thought possible. I am hearing less of what this will do for them as an individual and more about the community they came from and are returning to.There running in the 400 meter track race was a man from South Africa who is a double amputee. What an example for people all over the world as they watch and hear his story. It is about the stories too. That is what makes community. Telling the stories.

But what has stood out the most to me is that within this community there are more women then ever competing. In fact there are more women at the Olympics this year than men! A far cry from the beginning when women were not allowed to compete, but had their own competitions.

And what women bring to the table is that sense of community and story telling. And the story telling is not always oral.

Surghar Daily, the Afganistan Muslim woman who ran in a track event wearing her Hajab, respecting the religious community she is a part of where women must be covered at all times. She was last, but what she said was how much she hoped she was giving young girls in her country the message that can break out of their shell and achieve so much more than they are told they can.

Hala Gezah, Libya's track star, speaks of all she has had to go through in her country to make it this far. She has been ridiculed and yet she has made it in a country where she was expected to be pregnant at age 13 and has stood her ground as she pursued her dreams. She too spoke of being that role model for girls in her country.

Wodan Shaherkhani is the first Saudi woman to be in the Olympics and competed in Judo. Again speaking o what she will bring back to her country.

And then we have Jordyn Wieber, US gymnastic. Talk about example of it "not being all about her" and all about the community. She was the one expected to take the Gold in the All Around and she didn't quality to compete in that event. She was mortified and so upset, but when it came time to compete for the Gold Team metal she was instrumental in having those metals hung around all 5 shoulders. It was no longer about the fact she could not compete in the All Around; it was all about the community of the Fab Five and she was incredible!

Gabby was the first African American Woman to win the All Around Gold Metal. She spoke of how she was humbled thinking about the young black girls watching her and believing that one day they could achieve the same. She will bring that hope back to her community!

This is only a few of the wonderful stories at the Olympics. We should watch and learn about what healthy competition looks like; what community looks like; and strive to be like that every day.

So, as I think about all of this I return to the fact that there are more women competing than ever before. Women bring community. Women tell stories. Women embrace peace and harmony. Yes, I love watching the sporting events. For those who know me I am a sports addict and geek! But when it comes to the Olympics I see through the Veil! I see more than the score of who wins and which flags are flown at the metal ceremonies. I see community!

And this year.....it looks more like the Goddess than ever!

Blessed be!

Athletes marching in together at the closing ceremony of Beijing 2008!

A Fascination with the James Holmes

Like many I have a hard time not being glued to the TV when it comes to the recent tragedy in Colorado. Once again, we are thrown into disbelief as someone uses violence for reasons we may never understand. Once again, we are confronted with the frailty of life as innocent people are killed for reasons we may never understand; although I think we would all agree that there are never reasons for killing innocent people; or in my belief, never killing people at all. Once again, we are faced with the reality that life can be cut short in the blink of an eye and we are no longer walking in the Garden.

Yep, like so many I have a hard time not being glued to the TV to hear the speculations, to listen to the survivors and to watch as people grieve their way through another senseless tragedy.

But I am fascinated with James Holmes the "suspect" in this horrific killing spree.

Who is this young man? What was it like to be him? What is going through his mind right this moment as he is held in solitary confinement awaiting the charges that could bring him the death penalty? Who is this young man? A son, a student, an employee, and a Child of the Goddess.

I was a Social Worker for 33 years and during that time I worked with many sociopaths, psychopaths, schizophrenics, pedophiles, child abusers and killers, rapists, drug addicts and drug dealers...oh I could go on and on. I have seen things and known things that would make James Holmes look tame. And sometimes I think I stayed in that field for so long as I never stopped being amazed at what one human being was capable of doing to another human being.

I have watched the video of James Holmes in court over and over. I looked into his eyes and saw what others seem to be missing; I saw a lost little boy. A very very very sick, lost little boy. And I found myself asking him the question over and over: "what happened?" And I mean by that: what happened in your mind and heart to cause you to prepare for and carry out this mass murder of people you didn't even know and then to alert the police to your booby trapped apartment? What happened?

I know from all my years of working with the marginalized, the disenfranchised, the mentally ill, the illiterate, the violent, those without a conscience, and those with out a Voice that there is an answer to the question "What happened?" And I do believe that James Holmes is telling us in his very silent voice. But is anyone listening? He is speaking for all those who have lost the ability to be in community.

We so want a clear cut answer such as "I was bullied and finally couldn't take it any longer and flipped." or "My parents abused me and I am so angry I couldn't keep it in any longer." or even "I took too many drugs and didn't know what I was doing." What we don't want to hear is :"I have a very sick mind and no one even noticed or cared to notice or made available to me resources to stop the demons in my very sick mind."

I just watched a spot on TV where people were upset that the defense attorney is going to try to "use the insanity plea." No shit sherlock! People who do these things ARE mentally ill! They have very sick brains. And yet if he was Diabetic we would know what to do; or even if he had Cancer we know how to begin treatment, BUT mental illness is that stigmatized disease that still has us wanting to lock "those people" up in the attic and throw away the key. They make us uncomfortable. And why?

Because we could be them!

Mental illness is funny like that! Anyone of us at any given time can find ourselves one step over the line between what society determines is "sane" behavior and what is "insane" behavior. James Holmes is us and we are James Holmes.

Oh and there are those I have said this to who have vehemently said, "Not me!!!! I would never ever do something like that. Never!" Ah, but how do you know? What would it take for you to find yourself in that solitary cell wondering "What happened?"

We all kill another every day. James Holmes just did it in the most horrific way. But we kill each other with our words, thoughts and actions. We kill each other as we refuse to help the homeless or to report the suspected child abuser. Coach Sandusky Killed more souls of children during his reign as pedophile than James Holmes killed last Friday. For many of those children, now adults, they are the Walking Dead. We kill each other when we threaten to cast evil spells on someone; or when we rape with our words and our hands.

And so I am fascinated with this story because I am not sure that given different circumstances in my life, I too would step over that very thin line between "sane" and "insane". And so, I see James Holmes in a very different way than most. I see him as a Child of Goddess who is so lost in the Darkness that he knew only one way out. Be horrific!

I don't understand it and I will bet you that this is one that the forensic psychologists will be trying to figure out for a very long long time. And this young man may not be able to help them answer the question: "What happened?"

And it leaves me very sad. For this young man, for the victims, for the family and friends and for those who were in the theater that night. And I am very sad for a world that sees violence as the answer to what is ailing us. This is not the world that Goddess created. It is a world that worships power and control instead of Love and Light.

Yep, I am a bleeding heart! Yep, I see the potential for good in every living thing because I believe that we are made that way. And so when this happened I wrapped James Holmes in Love and Light and sent him to the Goddess. For it is only Her who knows the answer to the question: "What happened?"

May everyone who was involved in this horrific episode find peace and be restored to joy. And may the man who felt the need to lash out in this way also find peace and may he be held responsible for his actions as may we each be held responsible for our own. 

Blessed be!

Wilderness of the In-Between

Wilderness of In-Between

I find myself in the Wilderness of In-Between.

I am lost in the Wilderness of Change, following signs that seem to lead to dead ends.

Or maybe I am like Winnie the Pooh, thinking I know the way, but finally realizing I have just been going around in circles all this time.

This Wilderness of Circles has a Name: the Wheel of Life.

And I’m learning to name the Seasons, the Directions, the Elements and even the Sabbats.

Yet this Circular Wilderness of Change has many Shadows and Caves and Dens. And I am tired of revisiting them. I am tired of showing up and not knowing where I am or why I am in that place again.

I stand in the midst of tall trees, in the midst of rays of sunshine, in the midst of moss and leaves and I cry out—

IS THIS IT? IS THIS WHAT THE IN-BETWEEN LOOKS AND FEELS LIKE?

And I name this place: Uncertainity. How do I let go of Mother and Embrace Crone?? How do I learn how to move in this Wilderness of In-Between , that which I know well and that which remains in the Shadows?

I Name this place Death and it fits so well!  Death is something we have to do alone. Death is Finality and yet Transformative. Death is Naming the Wilderness we Fear and yet is always necessary to Movement and Freedom.

I find myself in the Wilderness of In-Between.

I find myself lost in a Time Warp of Circles, Shadows, Dens, Caves and Change!

I’m looking for Home! 

Eve and Her Serpent

I have always been fascinated by Eve in the story of Adam and Eve in the book of Genesis of the Old Testament. The story focused on Adam up until Eve forced him to eat an apple that caused them to be thrown out of Paradise. Adam was the first created human; Adam was given the honor of naming everything in the Garden and the responsibility of taking care of the Garden. But Adam gets bored with all this honor and responsibility and asks God for a "help mate." That being the definition of "woman".

And so Adam goes to sleep and low and behold the next morning there beside him is Woman; taken from his own rib. Yep, Adam gives birth to woman! It's the last time males will give birth! All is great in The Garden; Adam and Eve (whom he also named) running around naked playing and doing whatever the very first two humans would be doing in Paradise. Until that fateful day when a slithering serpent arrives when Eve was alone and entices her to go pick an apple from the Tree of Knowledge; that one tree in all the Garden that God told Adam and Eve not to touch; nor eat from it. She was then to give a bite to Adam so they could both know everything God knows.

We all know the end of the story! Eve does that very thing, eats the apple and talks poor defenseless Adam into partaking too and then they realize they are naked and go and find fig leaves to cover up their "private parts." Oh and they hide from God too (now this part always made me laugh! Like the Creator of the Universe didn't know where to find them? Good grief) Well, anyway, God gets pissed and throws them out of the Garden with the curse of Adam having to actually work and Eve would have painful childbirth. Done and Done! One strike and they were out into the Dark World!

A great patriarchal story about creation, don't you think? Funny how this story is held up as the absolute Truth of how we all came to be. But alas, once again, parts were stolen from the pagan religions and the purpose was to rid Woman of any role that smelled of Goddess religion. And the poor serpent! Forever the hated animal of the kingdom! Slithering, sneaky, solitude snake; ready to lash out and poison whatever gets in it's way! Woman and Serpent get the bad rap in this story and poor, poor Adam has to go to work!

But if you study the meaning of Serpent/Snake you will find that it has a very powerful healing, teaching, spiritual meaning. Native American Shamans are usually born with this Totem. From the Celtic perspective, the snake was a symbol of secret knowledge, cunning and transformation.Wisdom and transformation are key to symbolism of the serpent!

Serpent brought these gifts to the Woman Eve. She and Adam had played long enough in the Garden and it was time for them to begin their place in the wider world! Eve was chosen to bring this knowledge, this Wisdom, this Transformation, this Cunning and Secret Knowledge into the newly created world. It was Woman who was there to invite Adam to shed his old skin as she did hers. Physical evidence of leaving its form behind (casting off the old self), and emerging a sleeker, newer version made the snake a powerful symbol of rebirth and renewal. And that was the secret knowledge that this patriarchal God did not want them to know. This patriarchal God was selfish and jealous as we find out through out the reset of the Old and New Testament of the Bible.

Woman with her animal totem, Serpent, were the ones to bring new life, new wisdom and ultimate Transformation to those residing in the Garden. What better way to take Woman down then to put her in the Evil position with an animal people see as evil. And poor poor Adam! He had to go to work!

I love this new statue that now resides in my sanctuary. She reminds me that as Woman I am the bearer of Ancient Wisdom! As Woman, I am the bearer of that Knowledge of the Goddess that was never meant to be secret. If we want to buy the story of the Old Testament; Goddess was waiting for one of her humans to eat of the Tree of Knowledge so She could be fully revealed to all of Her Creation!

I often wonder how our lives would be if this story had been told with Goddess being the Creatress! If instead of throwing the couple out of the Garden, She had embraced them and showed them all there was to know about the Turning of the Wheel!

I often wonder!

Blessed be!

Broken, but not beyond repair

Broken, but not beyond repair

Chapter 1

“I don’t want a doll this Christmas,” I remember saying over and over again when I was around 10 years old. “I want guns and a holster.” Please, Santa, please don’t bring me a doll!”

But it was a doll I got!

Then again at age 11, I said the same thing. “Please bring me a football.” But another doll was under the tree with my name on it. It wasn’t that I wanted to be a boy or I didn’t like girl stuff, I did! I just knew what I wanted and it wasn’t another doll.

My mom brought the muddy doll into my room and asked me how my new doll got buried in the back yard. I very honestly said to her, “She died and so I buried her.” I guess it was the only way I knew how to end this doll thing.  And I just didn’t know why I even wanted to.

I guess I was called a tomboy. I loved playing cowboys and Indians, running around outside with the neighborhood kids and I loved playing in the woods behind my house. We played house and I cooked mud pies and fussed at my “husband.” I did love playing house and imagined I would get married and have 5 children, all adopted!

But from as far back as I can imagine, I just didn’t understand why there were these “rules.” You know, girls get dolls for Christmas and my brothers got the cowboy guns and the footballs. I wanted both if I really admit it. I just didn’t want someone telling me that there were things I couldn’t have because of my gender. But I didn’t have the words for it, yet.

Chapter 2

“What do you mean I can’t acolyte?” I asked the Pastor. “Only the boys can light the candles in church,” he told me. “But who came up with that stupid rule? Who decided that girls aren’t good enough to carry the flame down the isle, go up into the altar and light two candles? Tell me who. Did God?” My questions came to my parents and my Pastor over and over again in my adolescence.

So finally, probably because my Pastor got tired of me bugging him, or maybe it was because it was the end of the ‘60s and every thing was changing, he let me have this sacred honor! In fact, he told me that I was probably the first Lutheran female to ever be an acolyte and he could get in trouble for allowing me this privilege. Once it started, he had to let the other girls take part also. I was very pleased.

And then the next gender rule set in at church: we would have a Processional Cross and would need Crucifers! Ah but, only boys were allowed to carry this Holy Cross down the isle and put it in the Processional Cross holder. In fact, this was such an honor that the church established “The Order of St. John” for the boys who were deemed worthy for this service to the Lord.

“Why can’t girls carry this cross?” I asked once again questioning all these rules that excluded half of the population. “Is it too heavy?” “No,” the answer came, “only males are allowed to serve the Lord in this way” So once again I asked boldly, “Who made this rule? Did God make this rule?”

I was 55 years old and attending seminary when I finally got to Processes to the Altar with the Cross held high!

Chapter 3

It was never about being a boy or girl; it was about being a Person. How confusing it was to me when I heard in church that all were made in God’s image (including me), but yet, (for some reason), God didn’t think women were good enough to serve God in the church. 

 This is the beginning of a book I would love to publish one day! I was thinking about my writing this about 8 years ago this morning as I was sitting at the computer on a Sunday morning. Eight years ago I could never have imagined how my life is now (can any of us?).  "Going to church" was top on my "whatcha doin' on Sunday" list. In fact, it didn't even have to be on the list....it was what ya did! But the messages that flowed from the pulpit and Sunday School classes permeated the society in which I was raised. And I rebelled. I rebelled since I can remember. And many times I was broken by it and I gave in and I believed everything that was told to me. But deep inside; you know that place where the Goddess lives and breathes; I would pick up Her pieces and repair and give Voice to what was so damaging about the patriarchal brainwashing coming from every place I walked! 

I am still in Repair! It will be a life long journey I am sure. I don't blame the Church, or my parents or even society. I don't blame anyone or anything. We are all trying our best to live in this Garden and understand. But what I do regret is that it took me so long to figure at least this part out. 

Blessed be!