Or at least it has been a life time journey for me.
Just when I think I've got it.....
It smacks me in the face again!
I am 60 for Goddess Sakes!
My daughter said yesterday, "Rebelling again, huh?"
You see I decided when I turned 60 to say the hell with makeup and hair styles (no style has ever worked for me anyway!)
It seems that my mom who is turning 80 and looks like she has walked out of a fashion mag even on days she is sick
can't get enough of commenting on this change in "style" for me.
Yesterday we were going out for pancakes to support my niece who is the Strawberry Festival Queen and when I got in the car she said, "Oh you did decided to shower?" (the night before when we decided to meet at 7:30am to go and she complained about having to get up at 5am to get ready, I told her that I would just be putting my hair up in a pony tail as I needed to then get home to do stuff)
"Nope!" I said. "I just curled my hair."
"Well at least you did that!" she said looking ahead as I was driving.
So I told my daughter and she said, "Rebelling again, huh?"
Rebelling is my way of shouting "Who the hell am I?"
Always has been I guess. Always will be.
I want so much for people to look past the makeup that makes my blue eyes pop!
I want so much for people to look past the "cute" hair styles I have always tried to have with this baby fine thin hair I was burdened with.
"Look inside!" I scream!
"Ask me what I think about something; how I feel when I see my son suffering; how I live every day with regret and shame for choices I made in the past."
"Ask me what it is like to live alone and wonder who will be here when I need someone to change my diapers."
"Ask me to tell you about this journey I am on and what it means to me!"
Damn it, just ask!
And so YES I am rebelling! Thank Goddess at age 60 I still want to rebel! I still want to find me! I still want to walk my own path; speak my own truth; take a shower or not; wear makeup or not; let my hair grow to my knees and wear a damn pony tail that looks stupid cause it ain't thick!
And in the meantime I acknowledge that it is what makes me happy and content! And yet; I still want to be accepted.
So ask damn it!
I have stories to tell!
Most involve rebellion!
Maybe that's who I am!
Peace out and all that 60's stuff!
"Ask me what it is like to live alone and wonder who will be here when I need someone to change my diapers."
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that my Clan and I will be there for you, and we believe you will be there for us. We are family, Sister Crone. I support you! Yes, I who also have baby-fine hair and don't want to wear make-up anymore... I who find more beauty in my soul than I ever found in my body. XOXO BB
When I was young-let's say in my 30's and 40's..I was gorgeous. Not bragging..just stating. I never had to do a thing but smile and everyone would do my bidding. Now that I am older, much older, I have found that I must reach deep down inside and bring forward all that has been hidden behind the beauty mask. It has been a difficult transition in some ways but I have now come to terms with putting forth my true self. I understand completely what you are saying. Being a cute blonde with blue eyes must have been a challenge for you. You are still beautiful and your youthful, true self will shine through no matter how you wear your hair, even with no makeup. Have no fear of that!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure your mom (my grandmother, for the unaware) is confronting her impending mortality by clinging to every last shred of shallow humanity she has left. Instead of growing and embracing the changes in both herself and the world around her, she is reaching backwards and becoming more entrenched in the identity to which she resigned herself long ago.
ReplyDelete... which I suppose just makes her human ...
Fortunately, you and I know better, and will be waving our middle fingers at the world all the way to the grave. So, keep rebelling. It makes me proud.