I was a Prostitute!

As I sat and read a most heartfelt blog post this week, I was struck by how much resonated with me. Oh, well of course, let's hope that many blog posts we read now a days speak to us on some level. But you see I was caught a bit off guard as this blog post was written by a woman who had lived as a Prostitute most of her teen and adult life. Her words yelled at me; her words cried at me and her words took me to a place I really don't like to visit.

But isn't that what Winter time is? The Time to invite the Shadows to the Table and have a conversation over Tea?

Isn't the Winter times in our lives for facing head on those Shadows, thanking them for what they have taught us and then as we give them a hug, as we do any invited guest to our home, saying good-bye?

Well, the Shadow Guest that came somewhat uninvited this week was Prostitution.

I was a Prostitute for 30 years. Yep, 30 years I was a Prostitute! With one man! My husband!

You see, my husband (now ex for 11 years), had and probably still has a sexual addiction. His addiction was to pornography (well at least that is all I am aware of). I was a Prostitute for one man for 30 years.

It started shortly after I moved in with him when I was 19 years of age and he was 21. Oh he was so damn cute and ran in the popular group in our high school and I did not. I was literally swept away by the idea that this man would actually want to date me much less live with me and then marry me! From the beginning my eyes and heart were clouded by young love. But this man was hiding a secret that took me years to realize.

It began shortly after we were married. I walked into the bathroom before bed and there on the toilet he sat with a porn mag in his hands and an erection. (Now please realize, I really was quite naive in those days about sex and these sort of things even tho' it was the 60's). When I asked him about it, his response was "you really don't turn me on sometimes so I like to look at this to help me get excited." Yes that should have been the first clue you say, but oh I was so naive and so in love. (Later to realize I was in love with the image of the high school popular guy and not actually this man).

This man would ask me to do things that I really didn't want to do, but went along with because I didn't want to seem "frigid" as he would tell me I was. He used things on me and eventually introduced the idea of anal sex to me which was painful and degrading.

The anal sex became the "pay back sex" after arguments which made it even more degrading and disgusting, but I went along with it as you see I was young and oh so naive.

These words were all over the blog post I was reading and the Shadow walked into my door and had a seat right at the Table. I brought her a cup of tea and we sat and looked at each other.

Now we have done this many many many times over the past who knows how many years.

The Porn increased to videos and then the computer. There were probably 1000 videos and books in our house. One day I realized I was living with 1000's of prostitutes; still not realizing I was a Prostitute too. You see what happens with porn is that women are then seen as objects to be penetrated in all her openings and look like she loves having ejaculate rubbed all over her. And maybe some women did, but not me. And yet I stayed quiet.

I was my ex's living prostitute and I was behaving like one except there was no payment in cash afterwards. There was only his snoring as he feel asleep and I cried on many nights.

It is hard in this country to get a marital rape conviction. The male judges (and some women) don't see how in the world a wife could be raped. Isn't rape "sex without consent"; sometimes with threat of violence? Isn't it the woman's duty to be available for her husband whenever he wants to be "intimate" (don't I hate that word sometimes!). Aren't the words "I do" a container for "I do whatever, you husband, want me to do in and out of the bedroom?"

It became very clear to me that my orifices (all three of them) were for his pleasure and he automatically assumed that it was my pleasure too. And on most nights there was no "consent", there was only the fear of his mood, his behavior if I denied him his "right" both to watch porn and to repeat what he saw there in our bedroom.

Yes, this blog I read had Shadow knock at my door and of course I let Her in. I am hoping this will be the last time but probably won't as these scars run deep inside me. Those 30 years were formative years for me sexually and it was warped at best. But walking out of that house was the beginning of renewal and healing. It was the beginning of recapturing that which was stolen from me; my self worth, my image of a being a woman, my own Voice of when and how my body would be used by me and by another if and when I would so choose.  

And yet, I will always relate to those who are in the Prostitution business; willingly or unwillingly. Because at the end of the day it is still all about "consent." It all comes down to the man dictating what will be done to the body that is offered up to him either in business or in relationship or in love.

Freedom is returning to the Times when Women invited the Men to the bedroom and they were equal partners, each seeing one another as gifts of the Goddess; each acknowledging that the Body is the container of the sweet Goddess and thus should be honored and treated with respect and kindness. Freedom is honoring the yes and the no!

Freedom is hugging the Shadow one last time and opening the door for Her to leave.
Freedom is knowing that parts of the Shadow will linger for many more years to come.
Freedom is embracing all the nightmares, all the scars and all the lessons in one room of the heart and giving thanks for the ability to now hold them all in sacred container.

May we all be so Free!

So mote it be and blessed be! Aho and Love!