Saturday, January 18, 2014

I was a Prostitute!

As I sat and read a most heartfelt blog post this week, I was struck by how much resonated with me. Oh, well of course, let's hope that many blog posts we read now a days speak to us on some level. But you see I was caught a bit off guard as this blog post was written by a woman who had lived as a Prostitute most of her teen and adult life. Her words yelled at me; her words cried at me and her words took me to a place I really don't like to visit.

But isn't that what Winter time is? The Time to invite the Shadows to the Table and have a conversation over Tea?

Isn't the Winter times in our lives for facing head on those Shadows, thanking them for what they have taught us and then as we give them a hug, as we do any invited guest to our home, saying good-bye?

Well, the Shadow Guest that came somewhat uninvited this week was Prostitution.

I was a Prostitute for 30 years. Yep, 30 years I was a Prostitute! With one man! My husband!

You see, my husband (now ex for 11 years), had and probably still has a sexual addiction. His addiction was to pornography (well at least that is all I am aware of). I was a Prostitute for one man for 30 years.

It started shortly after I moved in with him when I was 19 years of age and he was 21. Oh he was so damn cute and ran in the popular group in our high school and I did not. I was literally swept away by the idea that this man would actually want to date me much less live with me and then marry me! From the beginning my eyes and heart were clouded by young love. But this man was hiding a secret that took me years to realize.

It began shortly after we were married. I walked into the bathroom before bed and there on the toilet he sat with a porn mag in his hands and an erection. (Now please realize, I really was quite naive in those days about sex and these sort of things even tho' it was the 60's). When I asked him about it, his response was "you really don't turn me on sometimes so I like to look at this to help me get excited." Yes that should have been the first clue you say, but oh I was so naive and so in love. (Later to realize I was in love with the image of the high school popular guy and not actually this man).

This man would ask me to do things that I really didn't want to do, but went along with because I didn't want to seem "frigid" as he would tell me I was. He used things on me and eventually introduced the idea of anal sex to me which was painful and degrading.

The anal sex became the "pay back sex" after arguments which made it even more degrading and disgusting, but I went along with it as you see I was young and oh so naive.

These words were all over the blog post I was reading and the Shadow walked into my door and had a seat right at the Table. I brought her a cup of tea and we sat and looked at each other.

Now we have done this many many many times over the past who knows how many years.

The Porn increased to videos and then the computer. There were probably 1000 videos and books in our house. One day I realized I was living with 1000's of prostitutes; still not realizing I was a Prostitute too. You see what happens with porn is that women are then seen as objects to be penetrated in all her openings and look like she loves having ejaculate rubbed all over her. And maybe some women did, but not me. And yet I stayed quiet.

I was my ex's living prostitute and I was behaving like one except there was no payment in cash afterwards. There was only his snoring as he feel asleep and I cried on many nights.

It is hard in this country to get a marital rape conviction. The male judges (and some women) don't see how in the world a wife could be raped. Isn't rape "sex without consent"; sometimes with threat of violence? Isn't it the woman's duty to be available for her husband whenever he wants to be "intimate" (don't I hate that word sometimes!). Aren't the words "I do" a container for "I do whatever, you husband, want me to do in and out of the bedroom?"

It became very clear to me that my orifices (all three of them) were for his pleasure and he automatically assumed that it was my pleasure too. And on most nights there was no "consent", there was only the fear of his mood, his behavior if I denied him his "right" both to watch porn and to repeat what he saw there in our bedroom.

Yes, this blog I read had Shadow knock at my door and of course I let Her in. I am hoping this will be the last time but probably won't as these scars run deep inside me. Those 30 years were formative years for me sexually and it was warped at best. But walking out of that house was the beginning of renewal and healing. It was the beginning of recapturing that which was stolen from me; my self worth, my image of a being a woman, my own Voice of when and how my body would be used by me and by another if and when I would so choose.  

And yet, I will always relate to those who are in the Prostitution business; willingly or unwillingly. Because at the end of the day it is still all about "consent." It all comes down to the man dictating what will be done to the body that is offered up to him either in business or in relationship or in love.

Freedom is returning to the Times when Women invited the Men to the bedroom and they were equal partners, each seeing one another as gifts of the Goddess; each acknowledging that the Body is the container of the sweet Goddess and thus should be honored and treated with respect and kindness. Freedom is honoring the yes and the no!

Freedom is hugging the Shadow one last time and opening the door for Her to leave.
Freedom is knowing that parts of the Shadow will linger for many more years to come.
Freedom is embracing all the nightmares, all the scars and all the lessons in one room of the heart and giving thanks for the ability to now hold them all in sacred container.

May we all be so Free!

So mote it be and blessed be! Aho and Love!


  1. I am sitting here trying to type some meaningful response to these brave words of yours and am realizing that nothing I could say could even hold a candle to the raw emotion you have shared here. I knew you were a strong woman before but now I KNOW the depth and breadth of that strength. My heart cries for the "young and naive" girl who had to endure what this man deemed to be "love" and yet I also know that going through this (and I am sure much more) is what has made you the strong, independent and loving compassion woman that you are today. The Divine has used these circumstances to create a wild, warrior woman who stands up and speaks up for those who can't do it for themselves.

    1. Maera, I am pleased that you have joined my journey! I am honored to stand with such a Sister as you! Thank you for your affirming words and I cherish them deep in my heart as I do you! Blessed be and much love!

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  3. Thankyou sunshine for being so honest about your experiences. Everyone every woman as of right has A right 2 self determination over her own body mind and spirit. I teach this in my amazon classes we only consent 2 sexual relations that we want to not that we are pressured or coerced into and many women have revealed their stories released the shame in ritual and dancing it out claiming their bodies again. I am all for acts of love and pleasure are my rituals which is what the charge of the goddess says and I believe it to my soul and use it in ritual. self revelations are hard and I think you again for being so bravely honest. Very few talk about marital rapeand that whole attitude that men can do what they want with with their wives.

    1. Feisty, thank you so much for reading my blog and always speaking such wise words in response. I honor all that you do, all that you speak and all that you fight for! I am so happy to have joined our journeys. Blessed be and much love!

  4. Thank you for sharing. Wow what an experience you have had! I have had my own experiences that has shaped how I view men now. Do you feel that your experience has changed how you view men, whether negative or positive? If you don't have any negative feelings about men because of your past, how did you tackle that, or did you even have to work on this at all? Anyways, thank you again for sharing your experience here, I found some comfort in your words. <3

    1. Jessica, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I know so many other women have had this experience and ones like them. In this patriarchal world I do believe we are all prostitutes in one way or another. I do have negative feelings about men but not just from my abusive marriage but in general with all the patriarchal brainwashing that they buy into and the continue. I am so happy you found comfort in my words. It is a daily battle for sure, but one that only makes my journey richer! Sending hugs and love to you!

  5. Beloved, your words were hard to read and I love you deeply for your honesty and willingness to share that shadow,. It is now released to the light and will dissipate and be healed.

    If you think of the prostitute as an archetype we have all been there as we "sold" ourselves in some way.

    Brave Blessed womyn, I love you. Kate

    1. Oh Kate, thank you for reading and commenting. You speak words of a Wise Woman! You know the sad thing is there are so many women who still buy into the wifely duty thing. So many women who embrace the patriarchal way. As I make this last part of my journey I will continue to speak loudly hoping someone will hear me! As always thanks again and I miss you! Love and hugs

  6. Hello Mystic Crone and sisterwitch,

    I found your blog post here through a comment on radical kitten's blog. Was it one of my posts as you said that made you recall all this? I am in tears reading your post. I am so sorry you went through this. I had a boyfriend for about a year who demanded sex 3 times a day and DISGUSTING activities, too. They do see in porn what they act out on our bodies, and we are so naive when it begins. Much later, once it has become so bad we cannot deny it anymore, we realize what has happened to us. It's complete soul destruction.

    This line here: "One day I realized I was living with 1000's of prostitutes; still not realizing I was a Prostitute too."

    That is the day in every woman's life living with a man that she comes to realize this. I say every because statistical, virtual NO MEN are not watching porn nowadays. They start around the age of TEN now and by high school and college, they are goners and so are the women who will be unfortunate enough to know them.

    I loved your reference to the shadow throughout this post as well. Oh my shadow sometimes knocks someone barges in something lights the house on fire. She knows too much, has seen too much, and carries it all the time. We're making amends, but mostly I have to slowly learn to trust myself again after walking into traps blindly so many times. It has helped me feel more confident to read about men and their sickness and patriarchy so that I feel I have the tools to spot a bad situation before it is too late now. Basically, I avoid men like the plague and it's been a great method so far! I'll never, ever go back to them. They have had ENOUGH of my body and my life. They took so much from me.

    Thank you for this beautiful piece. I need to go make tea before I cry again.

    Blessed be

    1. sorry for the typos!

    2. I am so honored that you read and commented and yes it was your blog post that inspired this Shadow work and then the blog post. I am honored that you took the time to join my journey as I was honored to be invited to join yours! I too have said good bye to men! They have always hurt me in one way or another but that is not why. I have said goodbye to men because I am complete without them. I am whole and fully able to walk this Path without them in my life (well except my dad and one brother and a cousin who are kinda ok! hehe). I am 61 years old and have finally lived longer outside of my marriage then inside that marriage. It is a powerful realization. And so now, as I have always been a radical feminist, I will speak loudly for the rest of my journey in Gaia's Garden! I will speak loudly hoping that even one woman will hear and will gain the strength to walk away from that which is not fulfilling her.

      Blessed be my dear sister and I hope we can have many conversations! Your words inspire me, bring me to tears and give me the strength to continue the fight! Hugs and love and oh....I didn't even notice typos!

  7. :'( in total shock and in complete aw of you beloved sister <3

  8. I didn't know the whole story Deb but now that I do, I'm amazed you were able to get through your life with a smile on your face and emerge the strong woman you certainly are. Bravo. I believe you will help many with your post. Keep on being a beacon of strength to the many who follow you.

    Cheryl (Healing Woman)