Friday, April 27, 2012

Karma is a Bitch

It's one of those nights. Way past my bedtime and yet here I am tormented by decisions I made in the past and situations in the present. I am normally an overly optimistic, happy go lucky kind of gal! I see the glass as half full, not half empty; I taste the sweet lemonade from the sour lemons; I know there will be a Rainbow after the terrible storm; and I know that "the sun will come up tomorrow" just like Annie sang to us about! But then there are nights like this when I wonder if it is true that Karma is a Bitch! And yes, at almost midnight when I have to get up for work at 6am, I am having a bit of a Pity Party!

Decisions I made when I was 20 creep up when I least expect it. They creep up in the comment my daughter made tonight as she was reviewing her week. Not much money from working as a waitress this week, cervical biopsy to check on abnormal cells, and living far away from family have caused her to be very unhappy. When I said to her, "I am sorry you have had such a sucky week!" her comment back was, "well, it could be worse, my brother could be committing suicide or my father could be trying to contact me." And the decisions I made when I was 20 came back to haunt me and I heard: Karma is certainly a wicked Bitch!

I can't stand the thought of my daughter going through the biopsy alone this week. I cringe at the thought of her going to the doctor next week to get the results alone. Yes, she decided to move to Florida instead of NC and I decided to move to SC instead of Florida. And yes, she is 28 years old, but I'm still her mom and I set in motion what has caused her to suffer with PTSD and panic attacks and the need to run!

And then there is my son, who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. He tries so hard to make it every day and I set in motion what has caused him to suffer with this and with addictive personality disorder and depression. And yes, he is 31 years old and is responsible for himself, but you see I'm still his mom and that makes it hard when he cuts, when he cries out, when he won't sleep so he doesn't have to dreams the dreams that disturb him so.

Karma is certainly a crass and haunting Bitch!

So, I sit and wonder how it could have been different had I listened to my own Voice! If I had not allowed my ex, the church, society, my parents to be my Voice for so long! What would it have been like if I would have trusted that Voice crying out saying "wrong way, turn back!" Would ofs, Could ofs and Should ofs don't ever help I know that to be true, but tonight I am drinking a cup of tea after midnight and having a Pity Party!

This isn't the way I scripted my life when I use to lay on the grass and gaze at the clouds in the sky!

But whose life really is? Who can say the life you dreamed of in your teens, 20's or even 30's is anything like it is now? But I didn't get that life and on most days I like the life I now live, that is until Karma shows up and reminds me that I made choices that set in motion some pretty sucky stuff for not only me, but especially my kids! So, I'm having a Pity Party and I am having it alone cause those are the best ones to have! I don't have someone telling me to Get Over It, or that the past is the past and there is no good in looking back or I love the one: be thankful for the past as it made you who you are today! Pity Parties are best alone cause you don't have to listen to how Pity Parties don't help anything and to look at all my blessings.

Nope: I want my son to not have Borderline Personality Disorder and to be happy and successful; I want my daughter to not feel so alone and not to have cervical issues; I want my parents to accept that I am a Pagan Witch; I want to know that I'm doing what I am suppose to be doing and not always feel there is something more! And most of all I want my ex to be gone from our lives!

Karma is a Bitch and I'm having tea with It! It's my Party and I'll be Pitiful if I want to!

Blessed be!


  1. I'll join you in that pity party if you don't mind!! I know exactly what your going through and I won't say any of those things to you because I wouldn't want them said to me!! At times when I'm alone,I go through all this when my kids remind me what their life is like now due to the life they grew up in!! My life wasn't a life of Rose's either and wish I could go back and make it all better but since I can't I'll always live with regrets I guess!! Thank you for this and the reminder that life isn't a ball of roses!! <3 ....Winter EveningStar

  2. I hear ya. I have so many regrets. Every now and then we just need to let them out with people we can trust to just listen. Love you.