Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Goddess teaches the difference between Listen and Obey
I am so glad I have started walking when I get up in the morning before work. I had forgotten how sacred this time is that I get to spend with Goddess as the world begins to wake up. So it was this morning as Goddess taught me about Listening.
It began as I was once again feeling so bad about the choices I made in my past; particularly the one to marry the man I did when I was 20 years old. My daughter has been having a hard time lately as she makes her own journey to be released from the chains of the abuse by her father. When she does it brings up my own regrets and sorrows. And once again I heard mySelf saying to Goddess: "I am so sorry I didn't listen to you and do what you told me to do (or rather not to do). I guess this is my punishment for not obeying you."
And She spoke to me about Listening and Obeying.
Obeying, She said, denotes power and control.
Listening, She said, denotes a mutual relationship; one of give and take.
Obeying, She said, comes with a punishment.
Listening, She said, comes with lessons learned and with consequences (different from punishment).
As we conversed (yes, I do in fact talk out loud to her sometimes on my walk; probably another reason I love the time before dawn as I'm really the only one out walking!) I began to see clearly the difference.
In my Christian upbringing, I was taught to obey God. I was taught that when I died that God would open his book and there would be all my sins and he would decide my punishment, so obeying was in my best interest. It was all afterlife punishment and it was power and control of those speaking the words to me. This was also how I was parented: obey your parents or you get a spanking (I got lots of these!). Now my parents would say, "I told you to listen to me!" before the smack came, but it wasn't about listening, it was about obeying to avoid the punishment.
As I have walked with the Goddess on this pagan path, I have left behind that teaching of the judgmental afterlife which would determine whether I went to hell or heaven. What I have gained is the knowledge that how I behave every day has its consequences now and not later. That I am responsible for my actions upon myself and all creation!
Listening denotes a relationship where I honor the one talking and trust that they are leading me in the best direction for me. Listening denies the Ego's control of what I want to do and moves me to look at what is best for me and for others.
Goddess spoke to me many times during the courtship phase of this relationship. She spoke to me through others and I chose not to listen. And so I married a man that was not in my best interest and would result in terrible consequences for me and my children. Goddess spoke to me during the marriage so often I have lost count, BUT I would not leave the marriage as I was afraid that God would be mad since I made promises in church to "love and obey until death does us part," which translated into "you will have hell to pay when you die if you leave this abusive man!"
And so I had children by this man. I had two miscarriages and then my two children were born. I think Goddess was asking me to listen then too, but I insisted on tests to determine the cause of the miscarriages and then had medical interventions to carry children to term. As a result my oldest son inherited the paternal mental illness and my daughter continues her struggle to find a way to be released from the chains that still bind her to a father she wants no part of and doesn't except in her dreams and anxiety. These are the real life consequences of not Listening.
Oh don't get me wrong, I adore my children and are so happy they were born even tho' my son rues the day that he was.
I learned a lot this morning walking with Goddess. I could give up the fear that this is Karma and I will still have a hell of a time when I die. I could give up the fear that Goddess would punish me for not listening to Her about this man.
I do take responsibility for my actions and for the life I brought upon mySelf and my children. I know I cannot go back, but what I can do now is be there for them with my new found knowledge and hopefully help them heal!
I hope I am a better Listener these days! It is a freer way of living! It is a breath of fresh air that only Goddess can give! But most of all is the Way of the Goddess. She engages and She waits for us to Listen. She doesn't get mad, She doesn't threaten, She doesn't stop talking. In fact, She keeps talking and keeps offering opportunities for us to Listen and Converse with Her.
How I wish I would have known this soon! But how blessed I am that Goddess kept Speaking until I was ready to Listen!