Thursday, December 20, 2012

Stories are the Reason for the Season

Lately it seems that Goddess speaks to me just as I am waking up in mornings. It's as if I wake up already engaged in a conversation with Her before I even realize what is going on. This morning was no different.

I found myself remembering my Childhood Christmases and the stories I tell about them. Like the fact that I, being the oldest and having my own bedroom, seemed to be the gathering place for my other siblings on Christmas Eve where beginning about 3am we took turns going into Mom and Dad's room to ask if Santa had come yet. Usually after the 5th kid went in we were allowed to get up (most often around 5am!).

I found myself remembering the Christmases with my own children as they were growing up. I laid there watching the video play of David and Stephanie finishing up opening their presents and then together going down to the fireplace and bringing the stockings upstairs. They even did this the last Christmas we celebrated as a family (during the separation and then divorce) when they were 18 and 21! Here were these two adults running up the stairs, laughing, and then tearing into the stockings!

Memory lane did not end there! I found myself visiting the Story of the birth of Jesus; sweet and calm and the song Away in the Manger and Silent Night crept into my still sleepy mind! I saw many Christmas Eve Midnight services with candles lit and thinking how magical that night was. I love that story.

From there I remembered lighting Hanukkah candles and listening to the stories while spending time with my Jewish friends! Those Hebrew songs of the coming of the Light were truly full of hope and remembrance.

Oh and the story of the Winter Solstice: the Lady, the Great Mother of the Earth, gives birth to the Lord, as the child of golden sunlight. From his birth, the world begins to grow warmer and the days grow longer.

And one of my favorites is the story of Demeter being aided by Hekate goes into the Underworld to rescue her daughter Persephone. Such a wonderful story about the love a mother has for her daughter and how desperately she will search for her when she has been taken into the darkness.

Dark and Light are the themes for all the stories of this time of year that is for sure. And there are so many more than I was remembering in that in between state of sleep and wakefulness. 

But what I kept hearing was "It is the Stories that make us Rich People"! And there was the lesson to be learned. When we become turfy and believe that "our" tradition, "our" stories are the only accurate believable stories then we become poor in Spirit. It is the richness of each story, whether they be of tradition or of our own personal story, that brings color to the world. Stories are meant to be told over and over; they are meant to be sung and spoken; they are meant to be cherished in the heart. And each story has a message for all of us.

We become Poor in Spirit when we refuse to engage in another Story. We become Poor in Heart when we refuse to acknowledge the blessing of all the stories at this time of year; at all times of the year for that matter! We become colorless when we demand that there is only one story for a season!

So tell Your Story! Tell it as if your life depended on it. And if someone wants to argue that you are wrong to have Your Story; tell it anyway! The Wheel is Turning and hopefully that means that those who live in the Dark World of rigidity and closed mindedness will begin to see the Light of openness and acceptance! The Wheel is Turning; just like pages of a good Story!

Let's read them all together!

Blessed be and Happy Holidays!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Holding Light for the World

And that was his response!

"Love you and thanks for holding light for the world!"

This morning; the day after another mass shooting in the United States of America, I finally got on facebook; really not wanting to read all the comments, the rants, the opinions, etc. I just didn't want to see people take sides on the gun issue. No, I purposely stayed away from the social network yesterday as the news unfolded about the 20 children and 6 adults who were slaughtered in their elementary school. Yes, I watched the news which was worse I am sure, but I just couldn't watch and listen and read the accusations of this young man being "autistic" and whether that meant all autistic kids were killers; I just couldn't watch and listen and read the comments that people kill people not guns or how taking God out of the schools has caused Satan to run rampant. I just couldn't do it.

So this morning when I finally went on facebook, I began to have my fears confirmed and as a result I tried my best to come up with a status post that would be both insightful and yet say what was in my heart. I think I wrote and deleted about 10 of these posts. Initially, I was ranting about how easy it is to get guns and how hard to access mental health services. Then I began honoring the wonderful teachers and police and other first responders. I pulled in how patriarchal societies lend themselves to a culture full of hate and violence. But none got posted.

You see, it's not about any of that! But I just couldn't put the words to what I was feeling in my heart as once again we are bombarded by the media attention to another tragedy full of questions and no answers. What pushed this 20 year old young man to kill his mother and then go to her work and slaughter all those innocent people? What does a women need with 5 guns in her home (one an assault weapon)? Why couldn't he just take his own life if he was so tormented? Questions and no answers and no solutions to these terrifying events we seem to be made aware of on almost a daily basis now.

And there it was.

I have a very dear friend who frequently speaks very wise words to me. And this morning, he spoke one short sentence that said it all:

"Love you and thanks for holding light for the world!"

So, I went for a walk and let this sentence seep within my very soul. And I began to cry.

That is what is missing and slowly going away in the human race. We have lost the knowledge and the willingness to hold light for the world. We are so into what's in it for me, that we have lost our way in the wilderness because we have forgotten our real purpose as we walk this journey called human existence.

It is so easy to blame all the "evil" in the world on the lack of or the excess of rules and regulations. It is too easy to blame all the "evil" actions of human beings on one religion or another being pushed out of government, schools, football games, high school graduations. It has become common place for human beings to point the finger at everyone else to solve the problems of this "evil" in the world while wondering why when pointing one finger at another there are always 4 pointing back at us. We are the solution.

And so my dear wise friend said it all in one short response at the end of our chat about what is happening in the world and where do we go from here:

My dear wise friend, Riley, said, "Love you and thanks for holding light for the world!"

And that is what I dedicated myself to do on my walk with Goddess! I dedicated myself to holding that Love, Light and Joy for a world struggling in the Wilderness to remember that they are to do the same! What would it look like if our purpose and agenda every waking day of our life was to do just that!

Most people would laugh at me, but most do anyway. I have been laughed at all my life for my "pie in the sky" "rainbow colored glasses" glass is half full not half empty" view of life! But it has served me well; as I worked with dysfunctional and wounded families for 30 years as a social worker, as I parented my children and as I survived my own abusive marriage.

But lately I have let that Light begin to dim as I too have watched the darkness of the world seem to overcome any light still there. I have wearied of standing by and watching what is happening in the country I live in; mixed up priorities; selfish decisions or the lack of decisions at all; turf issues; hatred; abuse, neglect of all creation; and violence escalating to a degree I never thought possible.

"Love you and thanks for holding light for the world."

"Love you"
"Thanks for holding light for the world."

My friend holds that light too as do many of my lovely friends. But on this day, He made sure he spoke those words to me to remind me that I do indeed still hold that light and I am loved! He made sure that he reflected back to me what he sees and I have been forgetting.

And so, I say to you:

"Love you and thanks for holding light for the world."

Now pass it on!

Blessed be!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Just another Love Story?

This morning I was laying in bed in that post dream state; where you wonder whether you are dreaming or awake. I was thinking about the Christian Nativity Story. I know it well, having been a Christian for 57 years. As a child I was in Christmas pageants, we had a Creche at home and as my children came along they too participated in church events and put the Creche up each year. There are lots of wonderful stories around the Creche my children grew up with! Oh the one where my son put all his star wars figures in there along side of the animals, angels, Mary and Joseph and I even think he replaced baby Jesus with an Ewok! And the one where my daughter who was 6 at the time was showing the Creche to her good friend who was orthodox Jew and her friend said, "is that your God (pointing to baby Jesus)?" To which my daughter replied: "no, silly that is Jesus, we have the same God!" Oh and yes, then the New Year's Eve party my son's Senior Year of High School: I came upon his friends playing Chutes and Ladders (the kid's game) while using Mary, Joseph and a few of the animals for the game pieces! Yep lots and lots of Creche stories, but that is not what I was thinking about this morning!

This morning I was in that place between dreaming and waking and it was a very peaceful feeling. I was there as Mary was told she was pregnant; I went with her to see Elizabeth; I was there when she told Joseph and he hugged her and said that he loved her no matter what (yep...I know! not Biblical!). I traveled with them to Bethlehem and was watching as they were turned away from the Inn and went to stay in the Stable with the animals. I was present at the Birth of their Son and saw the Star appear in the Sky and the Angels sing to the Shepherds!

It is the Silence that has always been overwhelming to me when I imagine this night! And this morning, I was in a place of sheer peacefulness! As I laid there sharing this space with Mary, Joseph, Jesus and the animals I felt Divine Love! I never ever wanted to leave this place, but it was short lived!

It was short lived, not because I had to get up and get ready for work; no, it was short lived as I fast forwarded to what "the Church" did to this Love story! This story that is repeated over and over again as women give birth to the Divine! Yes, women bring into the world the Divine; which is each of us.

The noise became deafening as I saw Joseph have his dream to gather up his very young family and hi-tail it out of there as Herod had sent out a decree to kill all the boys in town hoping to get rid of the next King foretold by the wise men. And the power and control began and has not stopped!

Just another Love Story? It seems like that to me at times. Forget that Jesus probably wasn't born on December 25th and that the church picked this date to coincide with the Pagan celebration of the Winter Solstice and Hanukkah celebrations. Forget that there is still conflict as to "the reason for the season". Forget all of that and think about the real meaning of this Story and others like it.

It is a Story of Love. It is a Story of each of our entrances into the world; whether they be in the dirty home in the projects or the best hospital money can buy. It is a Story of the Divine's entrance into the world each time a baby is born! And it is the Love Story of Her continuing to have faith in Her children to Live out that Love.

It's a shame that the writers deemed it necessary that Mary be a Virgin in order to affirm that being the only way a woman could take part in Creation of the Divine! It's a shame that the Church turned this Divine Love Story into a story of Jesus having to die so that the Divine would still love us worthless children! It's a shame that this Love Story became Just another Love Story lost among the rubbish of the theme of power and control throughout the life of this Jesus of Nazareth; just to be pulled out in the month of December and then lost again for another 11 months.

For me this should be the most powerful message: not the Cross; but the Woman bearing the Divine into the world surrounded by all of creation! That is the miracle; that is the magic, that is the meaning of Life! For if we stay here in this peaceful silence, we will actually know that we are all Divine; we are all bearers of this Divine DNA that has as it's signature markings: LOVE!

But alas; it's just another love story and power and control knock on the stable door and unfortunately we welcome them in and set up their bedroom right next to ours and the drama begins and the Divine Love Story is forgotten.

It really doesn't matter what Love Story you tell at this time of year; whether it be the Winter Solstice, the Birth of Jesus, the Kwanzaa celebration, Hanukkah or your own; it is important that we speak and live Divine Love.

It is possible! How do I know? Well, let me tell you about the Goddess I do know! She is you and me and as such we have the DNA to live Divinely! It is our choice! 

  So, take time during the next few weeks and sit with Divine Love! Imagine it however you wish to imagine it, but sit and let Her fill you to overflowing and then open Your Heart and let Her Juices flow from you out into a world that has forgotten how to Live Love!

And most of all LOVE!

Blessed be!

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The Gift takes time

So, the first Yule I was here I went on a walk in early December looking for a pine cone for my first Yule altar. There is this tall pine tree on my way to the Lake that has large pine cones at the top. You know, those really large ones that you buy in the store with glitter and cinnamon on them? I paused and gave thanks for her and then asked if she would kindly drop one of her cones for me to add to my altar. I did this every day until Winter Solstice and never was there a cone under the tree.

I have done that the past three winters. And when a cone never was found under the tree or even around the tree I figured that she did not want me to have a cone. So, this year I bought a bag of cones from the store and put them around the apartment and planned to put one on my Yule altar, but when I put my Yule altar up I didn't put one of those on it.

Last week before going to NYC with my sister, which was a blast by the way, I took my usual walk around the apartment complex and down to the Lake. As I passed the pine tree I gazed up at the numerous cones adorning the top of the tree! There were so many and I was happy to see them but this year I did not ask or desire one of the cones. I just stood in amazement at this tree and the cones holding on so tightly.

And then I looked down under the tree and there it was!!!!! A perfectly formed pine cone nestled right by the trunk of the tree in a pile of leaves from the oaks standing beside her. I must say it took me a minute as I was caught off guard. There was a cone! I hadn't even asked this year and there it was.

Aren't the best gifts like that: hoped for and desired and then when you stop asking and desiring it shows up at just the right time?

Now, here was the problem. The tree sits below the path to the Lake which meant I had to get off the path and carefully walk down a very slight incline to get to this cone! I paused, trying to decide whether I wanted to try to get the cone and chance sliding in the leaves down the hill! I paused, wondering if I even got to the cone if I would be able to get safely back up to the path. I paused and gazed up at this magnificent tree who had a gift right under the her but now I had to trust myself and her enough to go and get it!

One of the branches from the oak beside her was reaching out for me to grab hold of as I carefully went to get the Gift! I got there safely and then took a deep breath as I realized I now had to get back up to the road. Now, it really wasn't far but the ground was covered with leaves which were slick and I am not always as sure footed as I once was. But there was the arm of the oak tree waiting for me to grab hold and up I went with my Gift in my hand!!!!!

She is perfect! I thanked the Pine Tree for the gift and all I heard was Remember!

I continued my walk to the Lake and sat on the swing with The Gift in my hand. Remember?

And there it was as always; a message in the Gifts that Gaia has all along our path.

I needed to Remember that just asking for something did not mean it was time for it to come into my life.
I needed to Remember that expecting something to be delivered in my time was expecting the Universe to never have my best interests in mind.
I needed to Remember that some Gifts take time to come to me and that it is the child-like waiting that is as precious as the Gift.
I needed to Remember that the Surprise is the icing on the Cake of Life!

But most of all I needed to Remember that most of the wonderful Gifts of our Lives are nestled just off the Path we have chosen to Travel. And when we see them, we must trust that the Gift is meant for us, but it means accepting the call to come off that Path for a Time to receive the Gift Goddess has waiting for us! 

And when I am afraid to step off that path, there will always be someone/something else to reach out a helping hand so I am not afraid! A helping hand (or branch in this case) to help me stay up right and give me that bit of trust I so desperately need to grab hold of the Gift just out of my reach on the Path I am on!

So, that is my Gift story as we enter this holiday time of Gift giving and receiving! There are messages wrapped up in them all! Some come with ribbons and shiny paper, some come in the mail and some are snuggled in that pretty bag!

And some are under a Pine Tree!

Blessed be and Happy Yule!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Setting a place at the Table

It's post Thanksgiving! Post-Black Friday, (except tomorrow is cyber Black Monday) and post feasting and frenzy purchasing! And we move on to the next big feasting and gift giving holiday: Christmas!

And I am at peace!

Something happened while at my Mom and Dad's that was affirming and for me a blending of our paths. Theirs is a Christian home; the kind of home I was raised in; where Jesus of Nazareth reigns King of all! This Jesus who never wanted to be King, but who wanted to eat, drink and sit with the marginalized, the poor, the disenfranchised, and those never invited into the homes and temples because of their "station" in life.

But that is not what I want to talk about here.  Or is it?

You see, I come from a very large family (5 siblings) and I was the only one there with mom and dad for Thanksgiving. Dad sat the dining room table that had 4 place settings for "decoration" and yet dad did not remove the 4th place setting, and added a napkin. He laughed when I pointed it out to him!

And then I began to talk of those who are hungry today, those who are homeless, who are worried sick about paying their bills, those who were being abused and neglected, those being tortured and brain washed, those whose families had deserted them, those in prisons both of their own makings and those not, those who were without health care, those dying and those dying to die. I spoke of those who damage the Earth, those animals who have been run out of their places to live and are starving as a result. I spoke of the pollution and the rampage from war and mining. I spoke!

But now, let me tell you, this is no surprise to my parents. I am the spokeswoman for these issues; I was the social worker for 33 years, I am the tree-hugging token hippie in this family of origin of mine. But what i said next was a surprise to them!

You see, as I said, this is a Christian home and I was invited into it even tho' I am their daughter. And I too was once on this Path and still honor it as one of the many Paths to the Divine!

So, I said, "This is a place setting for Jesus! This Jesus who embodies all that I just spoke of! Whose message was loud and clear as to where our priorities should be."

Yes, this empty place setting was not empty at our Table this Thanksgiving. This place setting was full of all that our society looks upon as unworthy, lazy and draining on our society. This place setting was full of all the love my parents give to their family and also to so many who are needy, hungry and homeless. They are good stewards to those in need; always have been and always will be.

So, there at the empty place setting I saw Goddess and they saw God! Crying out for us to get our priorities right. For me, not because this Jesus is coming back and will be in judgement but because it is part of our Creation to Do No Harm and to Do what ever needs to be done for the Neighbor!

When Jesus was asked which commandment was the most important the Bible says this:

In Matthew 22:37-40 Our Lord is asked by a lawyer “which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus says this…”You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.  This is the first and great commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself’

And so the Pagan and the Christians sat together at the Thanksgiving Table embodying this text from the New Testament Christian Bible. We all love the Divine with all our hearts and we all love our Neighbor!

I hope this will be a new tradition!

And when I told my mom this she said, "Well unless we are at someone else's home for Thanksgiving/Christmas." My response: "Well, what a wonderful teachable moment it will be."

May you always have a place setting both at your table and in your heart for the Divine and for the Neighbor!

Blessed be!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Attic

I have been waking up thinking about my maternal grandmother's attic this week. Like, for the past 4 mornings! 

So I thought I would pay attention to what this may mean. 

I loved my Gram! She was always "old" to me; she had white hair the whole time I knew her which was until she died at age 96 when I was 37 years old. She lived in Pennsylvania and we lived in Virginia. Our vacations were to visit her and my mom's siblings (she being the youngest of 5) and all my cousins! Grand times they were. 

And there was the Attic! 

Gram lived in a small white house at 62 Norman Street in Reading Pennsylvania.  I loved this house! I loved every thing about it! It had a wonderful basement where Gram kept her canned goods and had her washer (she hung her clothes out which is where I got my love of hanging clothes outside from), and a first floor and then stairs to go up to the three bedrooms.

But this is about the Attic!

So there was one bathroom upstairs. It had one of those footed tubs which I also adored and would love to have one day and a toilet where you had to pull the chain to get it to flush and a sweet sink area. But in the bathroom was the closed door that led to the attic!

The Attic! We were not allowed in the attic!

Yep....only on a few special occasions were us kids allowed to go into the attic and it had to be with mom or dad and only to bring down a few old toys she kept up there. But oh I remember it well. It was the type of attic they use to put in homes that were really like another room. It had all wood flooring and was tall enough to stand up in. I wanted to spend lots of time there, but we were not allowed. She said, "you don't need to be up there!" The stairs going up were thin and made the best creaking sound as you were climbing to The Attic!

When I was an adult and went to visit with my husband and new baby, I asked if I could take my husband up to the attic. She said no! Later when I went to visit her and I was alone, I went to the bathroom and gently opened the door with the plans of sneaking up into the attic for a peak. As I was doing so, Gram appeared at the bathroom door and just looked at me. When I asked if I could go up she said, "No!"

The Attic!

So, like I said, I have been waking up thinking about Gram's Attic. I am not sure why it was off limits---she was probably afraid that we would get hurt even as adults, but just suffice it to say, as often as I was in her home and spent many months there in the summer times of my adolescence; I was only up there once or twice. But I do remember The Attic.

We all have places like this don't we? We all have "places" where people want to go and we say no. There are parts of our lives that people want to visit and we say No! And there are places in our hearts, our minds and our souls that are off limits to others. Even our closest most beloved are told no when they ask to be allowed in!

And so maybe this is why I have been waking up to The Attic. It was a place of mystery and intrigue as I was growing up. But I learned to respect her right to say no, and not invite me to explore that which she wanted to keep to herself! I waited to be invited and she never did and that is ok.

I now wait to be invited into another's life, journey, heart, mind and soul. I ask questions out of respect for their right to say no! And when the answer is yes, "yes, climb the creaky stairs and I will let you explore what I hold onto so dearly", it is a tremendous honor! One that I cherish highly! But when the answer is no, I am fully comfortable waiting to be invited and if I never am, that's ok too!

The Attic!

Oh how I wish I had been able to spend more time there! But once again, a message from my Gram has led me to a life that honors everyone's right to keep the door closed to parts of themselves both physically, emotionally and spiritually! It is something we could all get better at! I am still listening!

Blessed be!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Christmas Trees and Grief and Loss

So I put up my Yule Tree (aka: Christmas Tree) yesterday. Yes, for many this is WAY too early, but not for me. Oh I could say the next 4 weekends are very busy, which is true, but not the whole truth. Really the truth is that I needed to put up my tree and decorations yesterday. It seemed important this year.

What was refreshing was that because I embrace this Pagan Path, it is not weird to "mix the seasons". My fall decorations can indeed stand side by side with my winter decorations. Isn't that like the Wheel of life?

But I digress and that is a blog post for another time!

I needed to put up the Tree this weekend.

This week (November 16th in fact) brings 10 years since I left my ex husband. November 16, 2002, my daughter and I moved into our apartment. November 16, 2002 I was 50 years old and she was 18. November 16, 2002, we stood in our apartment with boxes and breathed a new life into being. November 16, 2002 was the beginning of the release from a bondage of hell for both of us.

But this blog isn't about that day! No, it's about the Tree!

Now, here 10 years later, I am finally able to say that of course our lives weren't all bad! There were lots of good and happy times wrapped in those 30 years I was with this man and 18 years that she was with her father. But unfortunately, the good times don't always out weigh the destructive and often that destructiveness is all intertwined with the happiness. But let's just say, there were happy times.

And they seemed to be wrapped up in the Christmas Tree!

But this isn't really about this 10 year anniversary either.

It is all about the need to put up the Tree at this time, this year; November 10, 2012!

As I was putting up the tree, I flashed back to December 2002. I went to the house (we would not sell it until the next summer) where my husband was still living to divide up the Christmas decorations. I remember (as I do every time I put up a tree), sitting on the floor of the back bedroom turned into "his study" opening the boxes of ornaments and sorting out the ones I would take with me for the tree at my apartment. And I cried. I cried more than at any time I could remember. I cried, well sobbed, as I looked at all the memories laying on the floor in front of me. And I cried, well sobbed, as I realized I would be leaving my beautiful tree because it was too big for the apartment.

My husband came into the room and in his most arrogant and demeaning way said, "Well, if you are this upset about leaving me, then come back home."

"I'm crying because I have to leave my Christmas Tree." I said through the sobs.

Needless to say, he huffed and walked away. I think I held each ornament in my hand; trying so hard to capture all the memories, all the dreams, all the promises that each one of them held. A pile for him and a pile for me. Just a foreshadowing of what was to come as we broke up the only home my children had ever known.

Each year when I put up the tree, I would lovingly place each ornament in just the right place. And I would reflect on the year(s) past and I would dream of what it would be like then next time I put up the tree. I would think about the age my children were and imagine them a year older. I stayed in the past and the future because on most days the present was too hard to live in.

You see this simple tradition of putting up the Christmas tree was a way for me to journey with Grief and Loss and not have to let on that that was the path I was traveling at a time full of love and light. Grieving not only the hard times but grieving the good times that were now past. The loss of the innocence of a child as they gave up Santa Claus, grief over the knowledge that my life was not the love story I had dreamed of, and hope that the dreams each year I wrapped up in a beautiful package and placed under the tree that had not been opened that year, would hopefully be opened the next!

So, this year, a week before this 10 year anniversary of sorts, I needed to put up the Tree! I needed to take out ornaments of old and ornaments of new and not Grieve! Not grieve all those unopened presents, not hang ornaments of Past hurts and loss and not turn on the lights of the future!

No, this year, I was Present! And I didn't even realize it until my walk this morning! It just happened naturally!

It has been a long path: these past 10 years, but oh I am so glad I was on it; so happy I am on it now! And the fact that my Fall and Winter adornments sit and hang side by side, show that I can be in all places at once and it is all the Present! For here in the Present I am safe, I am the Love and the Light, I know that I did the best I could all those 30 years of putting up the Christmas tree, but most of all I know that I embody the Divine Voice!

So, last night as all the Lights in my apartment were off except for the Christmas Tree, I sat amazed at how this tree looks more magickal than any tree I have every had in my lifetime. This Tree is so very special! This tree is no longer about Grief and Loss but about Love and Light!

So may every day be in my life and in the lives of all I encounter.

So mote it be!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Leaves and Memories

I realized last week that many of my precious memories are in and around fallen leaves of Autumn! I was walking to the Lake and stopped and closed my eyes. I breathed in the smell of the leaves; dead and decomposing on the ground. It doesn't sound like a good odor, but it is one that reminds me of times gone by from my childhood and my children's childhood and my walk through the Wheel of Life!


We lived with the "woods" right behind our house! Right below one of the smaller mountains in Roanoke Virginia called Mill Mountain. The famous Roanoke Star sits on top of this mountain! Anyway; this was my playground from 1st grade through 7th grade. And oh the memories of Autumn!

There is something special about the leaves falling from the trees and then laying as a blanket on the ground. There is something special about raking all the leaves into a huge pile and laying in them; wrapping this blanket all around me! There is something special about the smell of those leaves.

And this is how memories are born! And as I walked to the Lake last week; making sure I walked through the largest piles so I could listen to the sound the drying leaves made; I pondered this special gift of Memory!

I pondered how we hold on to the bad memories so hard and so long that sometimes it uses up the room in our Memory bank for the memories that hold the love and light we so need to cherish forever! I work hard these days to bring forth and cherish those wonderful memories of my childhood. The memories of my dad piling up those leaves and then inviting us to jump in them even tho' it meant he had to rake them all over again. The memories of going out trick or treating and making sure I walked right through those big piles of leaves in front yards so I could listen to the sound! Memories of standing under a tree as the wind blew the leaves off the tree and knowing that snow was soon to come and it too would fall from the trees onto me!

Leaves and Memories!

But then I began to think about my Aunt Mildred. She is in an Alzheimer's Home. She has lost most of her memories; only her oldest son is recognizable now and she cannot recall any memories from her past; not even what happened 2 minutes ago. What a tragedy! She goes through her days; she just goes through her days. No longer do the smells of drying leaves take her back to days of old. No longer is she even able to relate the falling of the leaves from the trees to the changing of the seasons. No longer does she have the ability to recall memories that can comfort her, make her smile and remind her of times where all was well with her life.

Yes, I know that she doesn't even know she can't remember. And yet I grieve for the loss of this very special gift we tend to take for granted. And what do we do, but hold on desperately to those destructive damaging hurtful memories instead of making sure we replace them with memories such as wrapping ourselves in the leaves, giggling so hard that snot runs out of our nose!

At age 60 I am determined to hold on to those type  of memories.

I invite you to do the same! Gaia is ready to touch our senses in wonderful and enchanting ways to trigger that smile, that laugh, that memory of times when all was good in our life and She was present to guide our path! Come walk through the leaves with Her, hold Her hand, and smell Her goodness! She waits for you and for me!

Blessed be!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

I am a Worrier!

Yep, I will admit it publicly; I AM A WORRIER! I have always been a WORRIER and it is something I try very hard not to do, but I do! In fact, I have anxiety because I am such a worrier. I worry about my health in particular. Recently I was telling my Mom this and she said, "Oh yes, honey, as a child every little scratch you got was a major 'need to go to the hospital' event!? (So, I am finding this information out just now at age 60 why?) I have tried so hard to do all the things I know to do: "don't worry!" "think about something else!" "meditate" and "trust in God!"

When I get these anxiety health attacks (like the one I am in right now about a place on my leg) I become obsessed with thinking about it, looking at it, etc. What I don't do tho' is look it up on the internet...oh god no! I would be out of my mind then! It is very irritating let me tell you! I even take Cymbalta to help with this anxiety.

Now really, I am a very healthy woman! Yep, I have had double bypass surgery and each 6 months the cardiologist gives me a clean bill of health. Yep, I have had a hysterectomy due to fibroids and I have now had three skin cancers, but other than that most of my health issues are fairly minor compared to others. Which then makes me feel GUILTY (I love the way these two go hand in hand!) when I begin to think about others who are dealing with other terrible health issues on a daily basis.

So, this is my chance to just say: I am a WORRIER and I don't like it. Sometimes I think it is all about the unknown. Once I find out what this is on my leg, I go into "fix it" mode. I usually don't even freak out much between that time and the time it is taken care of (well, minus the month wait I had to have my blocked heart arteries bypassed....I was a basket case then!!!), but then again maybe I do!

What I know is that I realize that much energy is expended while in this worry/obsession place. The harder I try not to worry the worse it becomes. So, I thought it was time to just put it out there and say it openly and honestly!

I am not sure if this is some lesson I need to learn during this lifetime or just a wacky misfire in the brain neurons, but it stinks!

Or: wait for it: I have a very hard time when my body reminds me that I am more fragile than I want to believe or even show others. Or: and this is even more like it I think: I have a real issue with things that break! And if I can't count on my body to not break then what can I count on. Or: are you ready: here it comes>>>>>>> maybe I am just a WORRIER and if that is the worse thing about me then, hell, I am in pretty good shape really!

So if you are a WORRIER too, then join the club. I think there are probably lots of us out there; silently struggling; silently thinking about what this growth is on our leg or silently thinking about what complications come with the new diagnosis of Diabetes or arthritis or lupus or heart disease or even the dreaded word: cancer!

So that's it! Thanks for listening! And don't worry, I will let you know when I find out what is on my leg! Now get back to your own worrying!

Blessed be!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Universe Always Acts in our Favor

Do I have a story to tell! I love when the Universe affirms what She has taught me all my life. She continues to show me that She is always working for my Good. Now we can debate the place of  "evil" in the world, but not right now. Not in this blog! Not today! Today is about how much Goddess works in our Favor!

So you know I am taking this class called The Shaman Way! Well, this Tuesday is the last class and we will be making our Mesa; traveling altar; in the tradition of the Q'ero Peoples. This traveling altar is composed of a cloth of some sort that holds the stones, shells, etc. that we have been working with over the past 6 weeks. These can be added to over our journey. This cloth is then tied and used in the healing work we will be doing. (We will get more details on Tuesday!)

Ok, so the purpose of the Mesa isn't what this blog is about either! It is about how the Universe always is working in our Favor! She listens to our cries, She knows our desires, our frustrations and our every need! She moves and move us and moves others on our behalf!

Now, for this last class we are to bring a cloth that we want to use for the Mesa. Maurene has a beautiful one from Peru. She told us we could adorn it in whatever way we wanted and I immediately imagined feathers on mine! She gave us suggestions as what we could use for cloth too, and I began to search my mind for what I had at my apartment to use. Nothing was coming into my mind! NOTHING!

I was determined to not go to the fabric store to buy a piece of cloth. I looked at clothing I had. Nope! I looked at towels, washcloths, bandanas, handkerchiefs, anything that I had in this apartment. Nope! So I was very sad and wondering what I would do when I went to bed on Friday night!

Goddess had heard my heart on Tuesday night when Maurene told us about the need for cloth and She went to a very good friend of mine, Cheryl Dolby and moved her! You see, on Wednesday, Cheryl mailed me the Triple Goddess necklace I ordered from her on Tuesday morning. She puts the Goddess necklace in a very nice oblong box and then wraps it in cloth. This is what I saw when I opened the box she mailed the necklace and a book in:

Needless to say, I had cold chills going all over my body as I gazed upon my Mesa!!! This is EXACTLY how I imagined it to be! Same cloth and feathers! I sat and held it in my hands for awhile before I remembered that inside was the Goddess necklace I had ordered. I sat and thanked first Goddess and then Cheryl. I thanked Goddess for working in my favor and thanked Cheryl for listening!

These times are important for me to place in my heart and have available to take out and remember when I think that Life is against me. These times are there for me to look at Goddess and see Her smiling as She rejoices in my ever present amazement at Her Operation in Life! These times are there for me to Re-Member that the Universe is always working in my Favor and affirming the Path I am on!

I immediately emailed Cheryl and told her the story. Then I couldn't wait to tell my daughter and then Kim! And on Tuesday night, I will wear the Goddess necklace and tell the story to the women gathered in circle as we put together our Mesa Altars!

And now I get to share the story with so many others in hopes that you too will know that She is always working in your Favor! Cherish those memories when they come loud and clear and then trust that it is Her Truth even when She seems Silent!

Blessed be! 

Saturday, October 20, 2012


I found out this week that my Great nephew has Bi-Polar with Multiple Personality Disorder. He is 14 years old. I am so very very sad!

Mental illness is close to my heart for two reasons: I have a son who suffers with Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Self-injury and I was a social worker for 33 years.

My niece stopped speaking to me 9 years ago when her Dad, my brother, went on a tirade and disowned me and one of my other sisters and also my parents (within the past 2 years he has begun a relationship of sorts with them). It was a blow to this family that always saw itself as "fairly functional" but at least all the sibs got along and supported one another. Don't know what happened to my brother, but that is not the point of this blog post.

What is the point is that I am not only sad for this young man, but I am sad that at a critical upsetting scarey time like this, we are not there for each other. I have lived with a mentally ill son for over 15 years and could offer so much to this family, but alas it is not to be. I have tried my best to reach out to my brother, his wife and my niece for the past 9 years with no results.

Families are an interesting lot. I suppose that is why I stayed in Social Work for over half my life. I am fascinated by the interactions, by the stories and the drama that makes up this connection we value so highly in our society. I too needed support and understanding when my son was going through his nightmare (and still does), but the usual response was "he needs to grow up and get over it."

I now hear tenderness in my Mom's tone when she speaks of my son. But this has just come about in the past year after some very hard discussions about understanding his illness. And so, she is now quite upset about her Great-grandson but with a compassion and understanding that this is not something he can "get over" and will have to learn to live with. Maybe my son's journey helped her to prepare her for this devastating news.

I am so happy that my niece got my Great-nephew to the doctor immediately when "strange" behaviors began to show themselves. Early intervention is key to all diseases, but especially mental illness.

As much as I would love to talk to my niece about what it means to live with someone with mental illness, as much as I would love to hug her and let her cry as I did, as much as I would love to say, "this journey will be long and difficult but your son is still the person you have loved all these years", as much as I would love to hold her hand and to be present to give that affirmation to my Great-nephew....I am not invited to do so. (In fact I am not even suppose to know).

So, I always know what to do! I wrap this family in Love and Light and send them off to Goddess to care for, to direct and to love on this challenging journey! And hopefully my Son's journey has in some way helped to pave the way to better understanding.

I have learned that this odd relationship we call Family has it's good points and it's challenging times. And then I remember that we are all Family; the rocks, the trees, the flowers trying to hang on for the last bloom of the Fall, the animals, the fish, the birds that are migrating to warmer temperatures, the Moon and Sun, the Stars and Planets, the homeless smelly man on the corner, the pedophile in prison, the single mom working long hours, the people on Facebook we have never met, and my brother and his wife and daughter and her sons.

What did Sister Sledge sing: "We Are Family"!

Blessed be!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A story through Cards

I can hardly believe that I have only one more The Shaman Way class. What a powerful experience this has been. I have learned so much and have been honored to sit in circle with some amazing women.

Two weeks ago, Maurene had us count off by 4 and then put us in two groups. We each then drew a card from a container with both Oracle and Tarot cards. We did not look at them. When she told us to, we laid the cards down in the order of our numbers. Here is the spread that our group had:

Then we were to each write a story based on these cards (trying not to pay attention to what was written on them, but to only gaze at the image on the card). It was amazing how different each of the stories were. So very very different! We began our story with:


Here is my story!

Once upon a time there was a reluctant shaman who decided one day to spread her wings and jump into the Stars. Her intention was to claim her Divine Feminine Spirit, bringing joy and light into the world.

And yet, it was a risky move and at times She felt full of all that the Universe had to offer, but at other times a darkness surronded her as she fell out of favor, lost friends and family and doubted herself.

So she knew it was time to draw within. She knew it was necessary to climb inside the Shadows and face HerSelf. She withdrew from all the "other voices" until only Her Voice was present.

It was a grand day when she mounted her steed and rode out to meet those "other voices". Her inner child laughed and giggled. She gleaned energy from Grandfather Sun. She waved the banner of the Goddess and began the journey into Wholeness, Completeness, and Holiness.

Maurene said that this is a valuable tool where we ask the questions:
Where am I now in the story?
Where am I stuck in this story?
What part do I feel bad about and what part is so beautiful that I can't accept it?
What part am I resisting?
What part are the gifts?

Where am I in this story? I am this story! It was only by leaving the Voices of the World that I could actually Hear the Voice of the Sacred Feminine. It was only be going within and hanging out in the Shadows that I could claim that which is mine and reject that which is not. But the powerful piece of this story was when I mounted my Steed and rode out to "meet the 'other voices'"! That is what my Story is all about at this time. It is about standing in my Truth and doing so in spite of the "other voices' trying to tell me otherwise!

I want to do this again with other open ended first sentences. I will draw my own cards and instead of doing the usual "Tarot" reading, I will write a short story as it comes to me. I suggest that others do the same.

Magickal things happen when we trust Goddess to speak in, with and through us!

Magickal indeed!

Blessed be!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

What Healing Looks Like

The Shaman Way Class I am taking is sending me on a journey like no other that I can remember. So much to absorb and I want to talk about it, but to whom? So I will blog!

Maureen says: "Healing is releasing what is not yours and bringing in and dealing with that which is and then releasing that which no longer serves you, but in doing so you must honor both." So mote it be!

Last Tuesday night, I realized something so very important in my healing. As many of you know I had a 30 year marriage full of emotional, sexual and mental abuse by a man I did not realize suffered from Narcissism. Being addicted to pornography wounded me and my children and he continues to blame every one else but himself. Over the past 10 years since I left him, I have tried many different ways to heal the open wounds of myself and my adult children. And yet, I knew that I was still chained to those 30 years.

And then it happened. The Veil opened and I SAW (thank you Seer Rite) the reason for this. Here is what I learned:

By living in the Past I thought I could rewrite the story; I could change the decisions that were made or not made; I could protect my children and myself from the damages of the choices my husband/their father made that has caused the wounds we all carry. I also thought, and this is a biggie, that by staying there, I was showing my children that I loved them, cared for them, and still suffered with and for them. (Wacky huh?) It was as if by moving on, I was betraying what had been done to them. Like I was saying, "OK, so shit happens, get over it; I am moving on!" Betrayal at its worse!

I began to SEE what was mine and what was not. The sexual abuse in the day care home by a teenage boy on my son (not knowing about it until he was 22 years of age) is not mine! I did not know about it, saw no signs, and when he began to have nightmares etc in elementary school. I did in fact ask the questions of him about day care, school, boy scouts, etc. But he had buried the memories and always said nothing happened. I cannot go back and undue what happened, nor can I take away the pain he is experiencing now as he walks the journey of being a Survivor of Sexual Abuse. Guilt is a heavy chain to carry and it has only served to keep my wounds open and festering and does his also. For when I do not heal then others cannot heal. Healing ourselves helps the world/universe to heal! Energy works like that! It is Magick!

The choices that my husband made are not mine to carry. They are his to live with, to heal from if he chooses, and to carry for as long as he chooses.

Sound like I am not taking any responsibility for how life was in those 30 years? That is not it. I take full responsibility for choosing the man I did, for staying as long as I did and for falling into the enabling/co-dependent life style so typical of abused women! I so wanted that marriage to work because if it didn't then I failed! I know what I did to perpetuate the illness going on in this family system. But now what I can do is say, "No matter where I am in life, no matter what I contributed to creating, no matter what is happening, I am always doing the best I can with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that I have until I can find a better way to handle the situation." And the better way to handle the situation was to leave the marriage.

Now, the better way to handle the situation is to Heal; really Heal; not just kinda sorta heal. That will also be the journey of my children. That is theirs and not mine. I cannot hurry it along, I cannot make it easier, I can only love them the very best way I know how right now!

So how did carrying all that serve me? It forced me to face the Shadows in Me! It forced me to look right into the Past and honor what happened and to then release it into the Fire thus freeing up Space for Healing, for Rebirth, and for Awesomeness! It brought me to the place of Standing in my Truth and Speaking with the Voice of the Divine! Claiming what is Mine and not what is Yours! Standing as a Light-bearer in a new Way: not as a Savior/Fixer but as One Called to Bring the Light, Be the Light and thus Shine the Light on Others who want to SEE in new and different ways and as such begin their own Healing Journey!

I have come a long way; no doubt, but it is a Life Long Journey! I no longer fear what lies behind me or ahead of me! It is all Good and Right in its own Way!

Blessed be! Blessed be!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

My True Essence

It has been an interesting week. Announcements of pregnancies (March is going to be a busy month for deliveries); weddings (my ex daughter in law got married); births and deaths (my good friend's mom died this morning). All in one week. And the leaves are changing and the temperatures here in South Carolina seem to be more like fall and I have my windows open full time so I am very happy. I am attending an amazing class with a shamanic energy practitioner and I feel like I am finally getting a real handle on this journey I have been on, am now on and will be on in the future. October brings me to the 10th anniversary of deciding to end my 30 year marriage and November will actually bring that decade to a close.

I am very aware of the Wheel Turning in my life and the lives of those very close to me.

Today I have felt a sadness deep in my soul. A sadness that really isn't connect to any of the announcements that have come into my life, but a sadness for all those who wander through their lives never stopping to look at themselves or others; never stopping to look at the Garden we live in; never stopping to honor the fact that we are co-creators and as such are meant to co-create love and light and not hatred and darkness.

I have a sadness in my soul that we never seem to want to take the time to see the True Essence of another and certainly not ourselves. And when we do, especially us women in the group, we only see damage, ugliness, worthlessness and the need to be enough for everyone.

This past week, in the class, I was paired up with the shamanic healer for an exercise in "seeing" the others True Essence. We blew into our crystals and then handed them to the other; while sitting knee to knee, we looked into the eyes of the other and set our intention on "seeing" that True Essence.

And here is what Maurene saw for me:

She saw a radiance, orange bolts of light coming out of my head and a "halo" of sorts surrounding me. She then saw me like the Catholic statue of Mary "in a bathtub" as she would call it and I knew exactly what she meant.

Then she told me that the "bathtub" was the crystal surrounding me; and she then saw me on the top of a mountain; with a very large brown bear standing beside me (brown bear is on of my animal spirits which she did not know) and all of a sudden I took off in this crystal and did flips and cartwheels in the sky. But all the time, there was this glow, this radiance, this halo from me. And she kept hearing "Cathedral Court."

I want to admit to you that my first response was "halo"? "Mother Mary"? Are you kidding me? And I was embarrassed. And yet, her eyes were sparkling and she was honored to be in the presence of the True Essence that she saw in her Vision. But my friends, I was embarrassed. Why??? Why would this embarrass me? Was it the brainwashing I have received all my life? I think it was. Why can I not own that I do radiate, that I am a Lightbearer and like Mary I bear Goddess into the world on a daily basis?

And it was then and there that this new transformation began. I decided to stand in the Truth of my Radiance. To stand in the Truth that I am a Light Bearer, a Birther of the Goddess, a Holy Wise Woman who has incredible gifts much needed by the world. To stand in this Truth boldly and be honored and humbled by the choice that Creatress made in gifting me with them!

I am moving further and further away from the lies, brainwashing, betrayals and the story of 30 years. I am moving further and further away from the damage, the wounds, and the limitations that others put on me. I am moving further and further away from the guilt, shame and despair I have carried for so very long.

We are all being called to stand boldly in our True Essence. We all have one that is oh so different than what we have been led to believe! We must believe! We must my friends as you see, the shift is coming and Goddess is preparing us to be there to help those unenlightened as they struggle to "see" in a different way.

I am not sure what this will look like for me or for you, but I Trust that it will happen. Join me! Stand in the True Essence that is You! Together we are about to enter a time of Awakening like never seen before!

Namaste and Blessed be!

(note: neither of us knew what Cathedral Court meant, so I goggled it and all I found was it being the name of apartment complexes, etc. Any thoughts?)

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Day Keeper Rite

Fall is my favorite time of the year and I think it is because I am so connected with the cycle of Birth and Death and the Transformation that takes place in between. Now I know that all of us are connected to this Cycle but when I look back over the past 60 years I see how true this is for me in a very tangible way. My life work was about life and death, I was a Doula for 20 years and have been in the presence of dying people both figuratively and literally. And in my own walk, I myself, have many times been born, died and reborn! And it seems to be most evident in the Fall!

So it wasn't a surprise when Maureen Mischinski, local Shaman delivered the Day Keeper Rite to me during our Divine Feminine Class two weeks ago. It wasn't a surprise that my eyes opened and I saw clearly through the Veil what I had been walking out all my life!

The Day Keeper Rite has been passed down from the Q'ero; Inca Peoples. The Day Keepers were those who were the Altar Keepers, Altar Fire Tenders, those present at Births and Deaths; it is the Divine Feminine Energy; these were the Medicine Women; the Healers.

After the Rite, the Veil opened and this is what I saw:

While in the Christian Tradition I was the Altar Keeper. No one asked me to do this, but I knew it was my role to set the altar for service; set Communion (wine and bread); take care of the candles and even light them many times if the acolyte didn't show up; undress the Altar after service and make sure the Altar was clean and respected for it's sacred place in the church. I would get so angry when people in the Praise and Worship band I was in would put their cups of coffee or water on the altar when we were warming up for the worship service. I knew that this was not an ordinary Table, but a Table consecrated to hold the Bible, the Blood and Body of Christ and the Candles symbolizing the Light of the World. Why couldn't others see this and why didn't others just beg to be an Altar Keeper. Oh we did have a schedule of "workers" for the traditional service but the contemporary was open to people just plain helping out. When we tried a schedule people would forget or just not show up and I would do it anyway. I KNEW I had to do it! And so I saw that I was walking out my Path of Day Keeper in that Tradition.

I now am the Keeper of my own altars and even had a home prayer altar when I was a Christian. It was a wonderful transition from that to Paganism but my Altars mean so much more now, and I hold just as scared a view of them as I did before even tho' these are now set just for me!

Being a Doula for those 20 years, coaching women of all ages; the youngest age 12 to the oldest age 40 was another Sacred task of the Day Keeper I was and have been for many lifetimes. I have three past lives that I know of and each of them show me in the Midwife/Doula role! Interesting enough is the fact that in all these lives I was persecuted for this sacred task. I was burned at the stake in one and in this lifetime I was frequently given grief over helping these pregnant pre-teen and teenage girls have a pleasant birthing experience as they should be punished for their "sins"! But I could be no where else and it was a Sacred Time as I was present for another Life coming into this very hard world.

I was present when my Aunt Nellie died. I was so close to her and being in that Sacred Bedroom as she took her last breaths, holding her hand and the hand of my mom and listening as her Pastor told her it was time to let go of this world and join her Jesus Christ in heaven was where I had to be; where I wanted to be; where I now knew in Ancient Times I had been!

And I could go on and on. 30 years of Social Work with hurting families, I was there to facilitate the transformation that would take place as families healed, families reunited and at times families were broken apart forever. But in each of the families there was the Cycle of Birth and Death and Rebirth played over and over and I was honored to be "invited" to join them on the journey. And each time, with each family, each young person I crossed paths with my life was changed forever! I knew even then it was a Sacred Calling and I had to do it.

And now I know why! I was chosen as A Day Keeper throughout time! Each Life Time I bring that Gift into the world as it is needed at that time. It has been both a burden and a blessing, but isn't everything we do in our life? Whether it is in our jobs inside or outside the home, whether it is dealing with our own or others health issues, whether it is driving in the car or flying in an airplane; everything we do carries a
Blessing and a Burden. It is when we stay in the Burden that we get depressed and bogged down and feel taken advantage of. And I must admit there were times after the Christian Worship service was over that I resented being the last one there and realizing that the person scheduled to undress the altar had indeed gone out to lunch and I was "left" to spend an extra hour caring for this Sacred Space. What I will say is that as I began to take everything down a Peace came over me and I was always taken to another Realm and I was thankful that I was the one chosen by the Divine to finish out the Service in this way.

All it took was Shaman Maureen to do a very simple Rite for the movie play out in front of me. This Sacred Movie that we all have but that looks different for each of us. The important thing is that we remember that everything we do; every path we take; every transformation from Birth to Death to Rebirth is Sacred Time! All we need to do is Re-member it; to claim it as our Truth; and to Walk in it humbled and honored that Goddess lives only in the Blessing! And as such we can live with the Burden as She shows us the Blessings!

Blessed be!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

A walk in The Garden with Goddess

For about 20 minutes I was the only one outside as I took my walk this morning-me and Goddess walking in The Garden; and as I looked around I heard the Voices of my Grandmother and my Mother say, "Fall and Winter are coming-the Trees look tired." They spoke of the Wheel Turning without naming it as such. And as I walked I too noticed that the Trees and flowers did indeed look tired.

Life after a hard day's work- I too know that Tired feeling! Like I can't wait to arrive home, take off my make up and shed my clothes. And yet with Fall the Trees and bushes put on one more splash of Color before shedding their clothes and rest for a Season. And as I walked with Goddess through The Garden, She taught me Life Lessons!

She taught me once again the lessons I need to learn about dying to Self and being reborn to the new Self that not only is there to hold up others but to allow myself to be held up as well. She taught me about being the color in a washed out life of another and to not hang on to the coat that no longer fits but gives me comfort even tho' it is worn out and no longer serves me in the cold!

And then people, dressed in their finest, began to come out of their apartments and get in their cars to go to Church. To go into a building to hear one "ordained" person give them a Life Lesson from an Old Book; a Lesson they could not learn unless they listened to his interpretation. And it made me sad on a very deep level.

As I looked around I saw thousands of different messages in the clouds, the rising sun, the Trees, flowers, birds, stones, dirt, water, buildings, cars....all with the Life Force flowing through them....individual messages written for each of us at the time meant for us to Read!

And yet thousands flock to buildings today to sing words to hymns written with someone else's doctrine; they will hear the interpretation of one person expecting all to believe it as the only Truth for all and they will return home (after a stop for lunch), not once gazing at the tired Trees and thanking them for all their hard work this past Spring and Summer. They won't pause long enough to as their God what message they are to receive from the Book Written at the beginning of Time!

I do not judge here, I simply find it interesting the choices people make. I know, I have been there too.

So Goddess smiled as I walked with Her in The Garden this morning. I thanked Her for Teaching me once again from Her Living Breathing Book!

Blessed be!

Friday, September 14, 2012

A message from Venus

                                              picture was not taken by me

I have been very honored this week to have Goddess Waning Moon and Venus walking with me in the mornings before Dawn. On Monday She was right outside my balcony; Tuesday I could see Her as soon as I walked outside; Wednesday and Thursday I had to walk a little further to see Her, but this morning She had fallen much lower in the sky and only halfway through my walk did I catch a quick glimpse of Her and realized that she was barely visible; Her thin reflection of the sun was the only thing left as She turns to Dark tomorrow.

I began to ponder this Transformation. I thought about Ancient Peoples who depended on this glorious Celestial Body in the sky for so much and then to have Her Disappear from their sight for three days must have been devastating. With Her Light gone, the Nights were Darker still!

And I pondered what this was saying to me, when all of a sudden Vensus showed Herself from behind a cloud and spoke to me! "Do not fear the Darkness! You see, when Goddess Moon Mother is resting for a few nights, I am here to provide you with the Light you so desperately seek! I along with my Sister Stars and Brother Planets are here for You! Even behind the clouds, we are here! Goddess Moon does so much for you and your planet that She needs Her time of rest. Just as you do when you have been shining too much into the world! She is resting, but soon She will begin the Waxing Process that leads Her to Fullness and Brightness and then She moves to Rest again.

You must learn from Her. Watch as She moves along Her Journey in a year. Each month She glides through her stages and yet She moves through the Seasons showing HerSelf in different areas of the Sky. She is the same each month as She makes Her journey on the path of Light to Dark and back to Light. She is predictable; She is constant; She provides HerSelf unconditionally. She asks nothing in return as She travels Her own Journey. And yet, She has a great impact on your planet and all who inhabit it. She causes the Tides to ebb and flow just as she does a woman's menstrual cycle. And for three days in each month She rests! Don't ask too much of Her during Her resting time. Send your worship and your love to Her. Tell Her your intentions for your own ebbing and flowing as you Journey.

And remember that you are not expected to Shine all the time. Find your own Rhythm and honor it."

And so my friends, this Dark Moon time will be different for me. It will be a time for me to evaluate my Self and my Personal Rhythm. It will be a time to step back and appreciate the other ways that Light comes into my life and how I don't always have to be the one providing the Light for mySelf and for Others. And I won't hurry through the next few days anxiously awaiting for Her to appear again. I rest along with Moon Goddess! I rest and I allow Her to rest!

Blessed be!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Dreamcatcher

So, I must tell you what happened the day after I wrote my Hate blog post! This is the Dreamcatcher I have had since probably 1991. I bought it at one of the first Native American Pow-Wows I attended. It has a small bear charm inside and Brown Bear is one of my Animal Spirit Guides. I have hung it up every where I have lived and it has been outside on my balcony since I moved to the apartment.

The day after I wrote the Hate blog post I realized that something was missing from the overhang of my balcony and realized that the Dreamcatcher was gone. I looked down and there it was on the ground. I went down and rescued it and this is what I realized: It was very dirty and worn looking and the leather was falling apart, the beads were no longer attached to the strings. I brought it upstairs and began to wash it, but as I did, the leather strings literally fell apart and I couldn't even tie them back on.

I sat with Dreamcatcher and asked what happened. This is what Dreamcatcher said to me: "I am full and I am worn out. I have captured your bad dreams, your unfilled wishes, your heartaches and your trauma. I have been there with you in the good and the tough times and I have always let the good in and tried my best to keep the bad out. And now, my job has been completed. You, yourself, have released the last Deep Emotion that needed to be released. And after you wrote the blog post, the leather holding me together let go and I fell to the ground. All the ugliness that has been held within my spheres soaked into the ground as I laid there and the gentle rain shower in the middle of the night came down on me. I have served you well but now I must be put to rest."

I sat there in amazement. I took all the beads that had fallen off the strings and placed them in the Fairy Garden for them to play with and I cut the deer gut panels out of the inside and placed them in the candle garden on the balcony, and the bear charm I tied to my Prayer Stick, and then I wrapped up the skeleton of Dreamcatcher and placed it in the trash can.

Yes, indeed this Dreamcatcher held My Story in it's spheres. It silently hung where ever I placed it and quietly did the job of capturing the bad dreams and letting through the good. I honor the task it agreed to take on and that it fulfilled it well and faithfully!

I have another dreamcatcher that hangs in my bedroom window, but there was something so Sacred about this Dreamcatcher. I looked at the vacant place on my balcony overhang and decided to place the birdfeeder I had taken down a while ago because the birds were making such a mess with their poop in it's place! I hope the birds find it before they take off for the winter!

If not, that is ok! I will always thank Goddess for Dreamcatcher and the way it said Good bye to me!

Blessed be!

Saturday, September 8, 2012


Yep, today I must blog about Hate; probably the most powerful emotion we humans feel; or choose not to feel. I was raised to "not hate." My Mom wouldn't even let us use the word and I think I did the same with my kids. I was taught that "good people" don't Hate; they may dislike someone or something, but we do not Hate! People who "hate" are bad people. And so, I grew up saying things like, "I really dislike her or him" or "I really don't like how that tastes or looks or how that person acts." Now, yes, I agree that "hate" can become very misused but on the other hand we have tried so hard to get it out of our tool box of feelings that we have caused a society of people who are pushed to their limits of intolerance and act out in horrific ways. I often wonder what it would be like if we were taught how to "hate" appropriately.

But that is not really what I want to blog about. Nope I want to blog about how this Susie Sunshine of a Gal is ready to use this word and use it boldly! This Susie Sunshine "there is good in everything and everyone", Gal is ready to admit that I have been harboring HATE....yep, true, unadulterated, pure HATE in my heart and it does not make me a bad person; it makes me a real person!

I HATE my ex-husband! I HATE him with all my heart, soul and mind. And you know what???? I do not think that Goddess loves me less, is going to punish me or send me to hell! No that was what I was brainwashed to think when I was a Christian and it was a lie!

And so, for the 30 years I was married to this Narcissistic, controlling, demeaning, abusive sexual pervert; I was held captive and in bondage by the language of the Christian Tradition that told me I was scum in the eyes of God if I even began to feel the HATE that I knew I had for this man who did such terrible things to me and ultimately to my children. I made excuses for him reminding myself that all of us are "sinners" and as such I had to forgive him for he knew not what he was doing. BULLSHIT! He knew exactly what he was doing and yet, I allowed it to continue. When I finally allowed myself to leave his sorry ass, I once again fell into my Susie Sunshine Good Christian Girl, and did not Hate this man who had done so much damage and continued to blame everyone else and hold himself up as the victim! I could have ruined him professionally and yet I wanted to be the "bigger person" and show that I was a Good Girl and did not have to take revenge. For you see, the scripture about "God will be the revenger" echoed in my head and so I smiled and even said many times, "I still love him, I just can't live with him!" What a bunch of fucking lies!

So I am here to say that even tho' I haven't laid eyes on this man for 3 years, I am ready to say loud and clear I HATE HIM! Pure and cathartic HATE! The kind of Hate that I remember trying to subdue when I would lay next to him in bed and pray...yep pray hard....that he would die right then and there. When he found out he had high blood pressure I prayed, fervently I prayed for him to have a stroke and die. Every time he got on his motorcycle I also hoped beyond hope he would go off a cliff and not come back!

Do you think I ever told anyone this? NO! Do you think this Susie Sunshine, everything is Rainbows Gal, felt guilty as hell and knew I was one step closer to that damning place every time I thought it? Yep! Do I know that HATING HIM gives him power still over me as he goes along his wonderful life (and yes he is having one hell of a wonderful life which sucks!)? I sure do so don't tell me that. I have been in therapy for years and I know that. I know that it isn't nice to wish bad things to happen to him, but what I know is that me and my kids (now grown adults) would be so much better off if he was dead!

Funny how I still have those tapes in my mind that are convicting me as I write this blog! Will they ever go away? I don't know, but I am not listening to them any more! I did  a great disservice to my kids by taking away the word for a very very strong feeling and trying to make them Susie Sunshine kids! I want a do over! I want to have not married this man, but I want the same kids and a do over! I know it would have been so much better.

And yes, I please don't tell me , "but all of that is what made you and your kids the people that you are." Oh hell, let's see, my son suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD and Depression as a direct result of this marriage; my daughter goes through times of great anxiety over the memories of all the horrific porn movies she watched that her dad left in the video machine, on the computer, or at the end of her cartoons that he recorded over porn and then left at the end of the tape. And me, well, you see, I will never look at another man in the same way. I am alone and have learned to like it that way. And I have all this HATE in me for this one particular man!

So there it is; my blog on HATE! I am not willing to let this feeling go right away. I want to invite it in, sit with it and let it teach me about that deep seething horrific place that all of us have, but we just don't chose to go there. It's hard being Susie Sunshine! It really is when I have this HATRED for this man! I do in fact wish him dead and soon! And I for once don't feel guilty it at all!

Blessed be!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Where have the past 60 years gone?

 Where has the time gone I question? I know everyone asks this question, but I never thought I would be one of them. I'm a "live and let live" kind of gal! A "life begins and life ends and we make the journey no matter how long that is" kind of chick! But here as I approach this milestone of being 60 years of age, I look back and wonder "where have all the flowers gone?" I wonder how I got here cause "here" is not where I thought I would ever be! And I realize most of all that I now have less time on this journey than I have had before. My past will be much longer than my future if I have a "normal" lifespan! It was kind of a weird realization; one I had never thought of before really.

And I see that the best thing about getting older is the gift of looking back over the past and "seeing" what the journey looks like from this future place. I am able to "see" those forks in the road where I took the one least traveled and the one everyone else was following. I can "see" the potholes I avoided and the ones I fell right into thinking I could jump right over the danger and instead fell right into the muck and mud! I can "hear" the laughter and I can "see" the tears! I know the ups and the downs of being a child, a teen, a young adult, a wife, a mom, a social worker, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a fan, an employee, a spiritual person, a woman, a single woman in aging years. I know what it feels like to be disappointed, to feel guilty, to forgive and to be forgiven, to love and to be loved, to fight for what is right and to disown that which is wrong. I am a child of the 60's who has yet to give up the fight for equality, fairness, peace and love! I am a child of the 60's who still believes in the deepest chambers of my heart and soul that we are one step away from the Age of Aquarius! I am a child of the 60's who has not sold out and doesn't plan on it any time soon.

Most people look back over their life at this point and feel they still have so much to do; that their lives have been empty and they need to make major changes. But I realized this week and this is not the case for me. I can't image "doing" or "being" anything else than I was and am. Oh, there are many times I wish I had chosen another man to marry, I wish I had divorced earlier, and I wish that he wouldn't have done the damage that he did to me and to my children. But regrets only create stumbling blocks to my further enlightenment and preparation for what lies ahead.

I was a social worker for 33 years! Over half of my life was spent in direct service to hurting families and children. And I must say I was a damn excellent social worker. I helped an incredible number of people improve their lives. It was an honor to travel journeys with people that others wouldn't give the time of day! I have seen things that no one should ever have to experience or have to see. The stories I have lived with others are unimaginable even in the best horror movies. And yet, I knew I was "home" when I was working with children and families. It was both a blessing and a burden, but one I knew I had no choice but to do! But in the long run, I was changed by each and everyone who I was able to travel with. And I loved every minute of it! And so, now when someone asks me to do volunteer work, I no longer feel guilty when I say, "no, not now, sorry!"

And I have been a mom for over half my life too. My oldest son, getting ready to turn 32 and my daughter 29! Boy did those years go by fast. I love being a mom despite the fact that I didn't always make the best decisions. I tried my best and really now "see" that no matter where I am in life, no matter what I contributed to creating, no matter what is happening, I am always doing the best I can with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that I have until I can find a better way to handle the situation." Regrets are the stumbling blocks that keep me from appreciating the good that came out of an otherwise unfortunate decision to marry the man I did. The good= David and Stephanie!

A child of the 60's turns 60 tomorrow! There are lots of us who are already well into their 60's and some who are on the cusp! But I am so very thankful I was chosen to be born in 1952 and was a teen/young adult during those late 60/early 70 years! I "see" that all that I have done, have said, and become has been as a direct result of living through those times and embracing them as my Truth! But that is not all! My children formed me, each person I encountered formed me and the Spiritual Path I have traveled has formed me.

I have completed the task that I was sent to do! That is my realization. Now, I will spend the rest of my journey being a Voice of Wisdom for anyone who wants to listen! I don't have a "task" now....I have freedom! I have Freedom to stop and smell the roses any damn time I want to! I can go to work or not! I can wear that damn purple hat that was so popular years ago and I can fart in public!

And I can chose not to wear makeup, let my hair grow and eat chocolate with every meal and in-between (which I have been doing for a long time already)! I can laugh at the way I forget important things (like clocking into work) and I can smile as rub my back and my hips when they ache. And I can embrace this new journey into my Crone years!

But you know what? When I look in the mirror I still see that skinny, blonde girl with flowers in her hair, peace earrings, colored glasses and bell bottom jeans! I still "see" that heart that loves all people no matter what and who "sees" a world where all are equal, all are supported, resources are spread equally, and there are no wars! And I guess as I begin my 60th year, I am still her!!!!!! And that I am most grateful for!

Happy Birthday to me!