Sunday, December 21, 2014

The Darkest Night, Dark Moon, Shadows

Blessed Winter Solstice and Blessed Dark Moon!

Amazing Energy surrounds this Day in the Northern Hemisphere. The Night will be at it's Longest and the Moon has made Her journey to Rest. All is Dark. All is Dark.

And it is often in the Darkness when our Shadows come knocking on the Doorway to our Mind, Body and Soul. Oh our Beloved Shadows. We have such a love/hate relationship with them.

Yet, without our Shadows, the work of the Dark cannot be done. Without our Shadows, the Story we must Rewrite, Redefine and Reframe cannot come to Pen. Without our Shadows, we only Exist in a superficial world full of misshapened Dreams and False Selves created out of our Attempts to keep the Shadows in the Closet, in the Wells, in the Graves.

It took me awhile to answer the Door and not wait until the Shadows broke the Windows to my Soul and came in anyway. I was most often unprepared and thus unable to deal with what the Shadows had to teach me. I learned that opening the Door and inviting the Shadow in, sitting at the Table with a cup of tea and a scone, was the Wise Way to Journey with Shadow in the Dark Time.

Now, what I learned is that not all Shadows are Dark. If we remember, Shadows are merely our own Reflection caused by Sister Sun bouncing Her Light off of our Divine and Holy Bodies onto Mother Earth! Shadows are the Reflection caused by Brilliant Sun! Shadows are the Reflection of Us.

When Shadow comes to visit, I want to Remember this. Shadow is not the Reflection of the One who caused us Pain and Injury. Shadow is the Reflection of our Divine Wholeness during and after the Story that someone else wished to Pen for Us.

Most of the Time, we took on the Shadow of the Other and left our Real Shadow in the Drawer, just like what happened in Peter Pan! Shadow comes to Remind us and Help us Find the Shadow we chose not to wear.

Working with Shadow, at the Table, around tea and a scone, helps us unleash the Shadow of the Other and attach the Shadow of Our Real Self. The Shadow of Who we were before, during and now after what ever caused us to hide our Own Shadow and Take on the Other.

Sometimes we can do this Alone and sometimes we need Someone else to help us Find, Accept and Attach the Real Us Shadow. It is important for us to not give up this endeavor, but try to find that person, that Sister, who will take the Time to sew us back together!

Tonight we have more Dark to work with then we will the rest of this Year and into the next. Tonight with the Total Darkness that will prevail with Dark Grandmum Moon and the Solstice, is a good time to sit and Invite a Shadow or two to the Table around the Yule Log.

Is this your Real Self Shadow? Then spend time talking about what it was like to loose, find and reattach it.

Is this the Other Shadow? Then spend time saying Good-bye and thank you, but no thank you and begin cutting free that Shadow. Oh it won't be easy. That Shadow has probably been attached for quiet awhile (some of mine are years old!) and the surgery will be difficult at best (this is when that Sister who knows how to Sew on Shadows is right there waiting to be invited to the Table also).

But once the Shadow is unleashed and the Window is opened so it can fly back to it's original owner, the Refreshing and Magickal process begins. You may find yourself Shadowless for a bit of time as you search all the drawers and closets for your Real Self Shadow, but I promise you it is well worth the Seeking and Finding! She has been waiting so long for you to come and Reattach Her!

This is not easy work but it is necessary work. What a wonderful Time to begin, but tonight at the Darkest of Darkest!

And you know, Shadows don't wait until the Darkest of Times to show up! Nope, Shadow shows up when it is Time for us to Remove, and Reattach! Powerful work no matter when it happens!

Tonight I have she Shadow of "Guilt" to invite to the Table and say Good bye for the last time. I tend to not totally Remove Shadows and then wonder why the Real Shadow of Me does not fully Attach and then is once again lost to me. Well tonight, around the Sisterhood Altar, I will let it go back to those who Instilled the Shadow of Guilt onto my body!

What I know is that the Sisters I have around me have been the ones to help me realize this fact; that my Real Shadow reflected by Sister Sun to Mother Earth cannot fully Attached unless I totally Remove the Other Shadow. So tonight, this Solstice/Dark Moon Night, the instruments in my Traveling Cloak are my Drum, Flute, Candles and the Love and Energy of all my Sisters and the Goddess!

I wish you a Blessed Solstice, a Magickal Yule and many many Table Times with Shadows as you move to the Whole Divine You!

Love, Light, and Darkness!


Saturday, December 20, 2014

Rewriting our Story!

On this Yule Eve, I have been thinking about my past and the past of so many others, who graciously share Journey Stories with me. It is amazing how many have Stories that are not ones we would choose to be apart of. If only we could take a few chapters out of our Life Story and replace them with the Rockwell pictures we see of happy times and happy families.

But alas for a large majority of people, especially women, we have way too many Chapters that we not only wished we had never lived but that we wish others would never know about. And as such we choose to try to keep that old closet shut up and try to "put on the happy face."

At 62 years of age I have become aware of something that I want to blog about.

How do we Reframe or even Rewrite our Journey Stories?

Is it even possible?

When I say that to some women, they will say, "no, that means I have to 'get over it' and I am tired of people telling me that." Does it have to mean that? Because you see, I am not sure we ever "get over" those things that have left deep imbedded scars. I think this is when we rewrite the Story.

I have deep scars from being married to a sociopath narcissistic man for 30 years. Deep deep scars. For too many years after I walked out from this marriage, I would only remember those times that caused the scars. I tried so hard to heal them, but as we know, the very essence of a scar is the visual reminder of injury that does not go away; it may fade but does not go away.

At this time of year; Holidays; it seems these scars, these memories come a visitin' just like unwanted friends and relatives. They come as the Darkness invades our lives, the cold keeps us inside, and our dreams of different Chapters in our Story are confronted by all the happy, happy, joyful sounds and pictures of more than ideal relationships and lives.

I choose not to Replace but to Reframe! I choose not to Delete but to Define! I choose to Rewrite that which I had no control over Writing at the Time. But I can write my Story any way I want to, because it is MY Story and I have complete control over the Pen!

This was hard work and every now and again, I find that wadded up piece of paper from a Rewritten Chapter again in the Book. When this happens I have to tear it out again and say good bye and no thank you! It now is an unwanted Gift.  It has been awhile since those pages have shown up.

What would your story look like when you Rewrite It? Mine does not look like those Norman Rockwell pictures I can tell you! I don't want a life where there was only happy, easy peasy times. I am who I am because of the hard times, the hurtful times, and even the abusive times. And in that way, I totally Reframe the Story. It is what the Scars now look like for me! It is the Story I choose to tell around those Scars; not denial stories, but stories of what I learned, what I have taught others and how I am a braver, more empowered woman as a result! The Story is not "their" victory but mine! The Story is not "their power and control" but mine! The Story is not "their" anything! It is all mine!

So find time during these Dark Nights to begin writing a New Story for you! And then share it with others. I am! And I will be doing more of this in the coming years. At 62 I have less time to  Reframe, Rewrite, and I have to get busy! We are all in  this together.

Blessed be and much love!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Oh Facebook!

So when I was a little girl, oh like elementary school cause I had to know how to write, I had numerous Pen Pals from around the world. In those Ancient of Days, you could have your name and address put in the back of a comic book under Pen Pals and hopefully be in touch with people you would never meet in person! 

I loved my Pen Pals. My memory has lost names and where they were from, but I know I had great fun writing letters and sending a picture. But oh the Wait was so hard. It would take a month or so for a letter to come back. When it did, I would read it over and over again, imagining this person being my best friend and me living in their part of the world. I think my love of writing and sending cards and letters is left over from this very exciting part of my life.

If I remember correctly, and at 62 it gets harder, these contacts continued until my teen years and then slowly they came to an end. I don't know if they sent the last letter or I did, but I had my "real life" friends and high school activities keeping me too busy to continue this enjoyable practice.

In October as I was writing on Facebook, I got a message from the Almighty Powers that be (no not Hekate or Isis!) that I could no longer use Sunshine Fae as my facebook name. I had to use a legal one and if I didn't change it, I would loose my page. And so I did. I changed it to Deb Sunshine Hillman, much to my disappointment to loose my Pagan Name on Facebook. I was mad but finally settled in and went on with setting the Goddess Table, and conversing with my Sisters there.

Yesterday, Facebook decided to Lock me out of my page. I had to send them visual proof that this was my legal name. I can't tell you how upset I became. I called Autumn Earthsong and vented all over the place trying to decide what to do. I could not be without my facebook friends! So I sent the Powers that Be (no not Demeter or Athena) a copy of my Voter Registration Card ( the least dangerous I figured). Now I had to wait! But how long? How would I get word out that I was not gone forever!

Ah ha.....I set up a new page and sent out invites to all the Sisters explaining how I had been bullied, victimized, and probably would have irreparable psychological damage from all of this. It was an evening I don't want to remember, but today I have begun laughing a bit about it.


1.  This was not personal. The Powers that Be do not even know me. Their computer program just happened to pick me (and many others) to verify I am who I am. Wasn't about was about the rules Facebook is now trying to enforce for some reason that I may never be privy to!

2.  Facebook is my Pen Pal! Facebook is my name and others in the back of a comic book saying, "I am looking for friends around the world"! What is wonderful is for the most part the response is almost immediate to any post which is a whole lot better than waiting a month or more for another letter to come back. No wonder I am so in love with this social medium! Instant Gratification is like very cool!

3. This is the most important! I have women here on Facebook that have mentored me, supported me, loved me, cared about me, and set me straight like no one I have ever had in my life (save maybe my youngest bio-sister!). I have been able to walk with women on journeys that no on should ever have to walk and felt I actually was important to their journey as they are important to mine. I get to have relationships...real and pure and spiritual relationships with women I would never have met any other way!

And so last night when I was locked away from my Facebook Sisters I totally freaked. Not because I am addicted to Facebook, because I don't see this as an addiction. I see this as Coming Home every day. But to a Home I have never known before. A Home where family speak different languages but the same language. A Home where differences are embraced and not judged. A Home where I can go to put up my feet and share a chuckle or a tear and know that tomorrow this person will still be there!

I have made life long friends on social media! How absolutely cool is that.

So yes, Oh Facebook! I do have a love/hate relationship with you! But heck, I had that with my ex and with the Christian Church and I survived! But unlike those....I won't be leaving Facebook!

Blessed be and much love!

See you on Facebook!