Friday, May 31, 2013

The rest of the Story

In my Vision with the Goddess, she told me I would be entering into the suffering of a certain family to end the paternal lineage of a genetic makeup full of emotional, sexual, and physical abuse of others.

She also assured me my life would be "doing good for others."

Goddess sent me into this Mission with gifts to enter the suffering of the Many, not just this one family. And she blessed me with the Gift of not seeing it as a Burden, but as a true Calling. I love "helping" others. And I do it well.

Goddess chose a family of origin for me where I would be the oldest. She chose a family where I would be raised with a sense of purpose and with a knowing of "helping the neighbor while loving the neighbor," Unbeknownst to me I was being prepared to enter social work as a career and to fulfill my main purpose of entering the marriage family.

But I was very different from my family of origin. I have always been the "black sheep" of the family but known for my outreach to those without a voice, those marginalized, those who live in their own suffering world. But as I was entering the suffering lives of others I was living my own suffering life in order to complete my mission.

After 30 years, Goddess told me my part of the Mission was complete and I was able to leave the marriage family.

But I have not stopped "helping others." That my friends is the Biggest Gift and Mission of this Life Journey!

I have laid to rest the Mission of ending a patriarchal line of abuse. My heart grieves of the choices made and the disease had by all those men and for the impact their choices and disease had on their wives and children. My heart cries for all the lost opportunities of health as these men chose not to acknowledge their illness which meant not getting help. But that I could not change nor was I asked to do that.

Balance called me to make a major impact in the lives of others!

I often wondered how I could be so successful in the lives of those I entered while a social worker, or the lives of hurting friends, family and co workers; and yet be so unsuccessful in my marriage family. But now I understand.

I have had a good life. Sometimes the married life has overshadowed the rest of my life, but now it no longer does. I will always revisit those 30+ years to look at lessons learned and rejoice in the birth of my children! I love them both so very much!

And I will continue my Path of being honored when Another invites me into their Life! That my friend is the biggest Honor of All!

Blessed be!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Anything is possible~~~~right?

I believe that anything is possible.
So I wasn't surprised when I had a very clear Vision on my walk yesterday.

I was thinking about my life as I walked. I was thinking how I agreed to marry the man I did, not knowing what I was getting myself into. I thought about how I made the decisions to have children with this man and then watched at how this man's choices caused such emotional damage. Then I watched as my son began to manifest his mental illness and honored his choice to end the patriarchal line by having a vasectomy. He is the last of this line of mentally ill, addicted men!

So as I was walking I had this Vision:
I saw my Self standing before the Goddess before I was born.
She said she had a very important job for me, but wanted to tell me that it would not be pleasant, it would be full of heart break and heart ache, but there would be good I would do!
My Self said Yes!

I wonder if it is possible that our Selves are asked sometimes to go on a mission to help end or begin something deemed important by the Goddess.

As I walked I saw Goddess hand Me my Journey Papers! This Journey was to put an end to the Patriarchal Mental Illness of this particular family. It meant I had to marry into the family and have a son who could end the gene pool that had hurt so many people for so very long of a time.

I agreed to sacrifice my own happiness for the good of future generations.

I did just that! I accomplished my mission for this lifetime.

I often wonder if this is something that could have actually happened or if it just helps me make sense out of my life. To make sense out of "why me, why my son, why my daughter?"

I don't believe in random visions, so I honor this for what it is. I also honor the life I have led and will continue to live; loving my Self, my son and my daughter!

Yes, I have made some pretty amazing differences in the lives of so many and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful for those who have touched my life and made this mission more tolerable!

May we all embrace our Journeys; knowing we may never know "why me?" But trusting that Goddess knows!

Blessed be and much Love!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


I work part time for a Sports Products Distribution company. I work at the corporate center and included in the employment package is full access to the state of the art gym (right in the middle of the office building) and a personal trainer.

All around the the building and on all the correspondence is the word IMAGE!

IMAGE to our Customers!
IMAGE to our Vendors!
IMAGE to our employees!

Most of the men and women who work for this company go to the gym almost every day and also purchase and take the supplements that are distributed to customers (both individual, mom and pop shops and big businesses).

So it wasn't a surprise that I had a conversation with a woman who is 25 years old at the water fountain this afternoon about IMAGE!

This young woman is really pretty, a graduate from an esteemed university where she played softball. She has long blonde hair, gorgeous blue eyes and a cute body! Her personality is terrific too!

She was fixing a protein drink and shaking the container when I walked up to talk to her. She told me that she had been to the gym and was now having this protein drink. She then went on to talk about how she was upset that no matter what she did, she cannot loose the small woman pouch on her abdomen and the little bit of puff at the hips.

I almost laughed out loud until I realized how serious she was. I slowly began to tell her why we have these "pouches" and her response was, "well, not now! I want a flat stomach and no padded hips!" I felt so sad for her at that exact moment! I felt sad that she was so unhappy with her body and especially those parts that speak of womanhood!

And then I realized that this company is very much about IMAGE which is very different from HEALTH!

This young woman is very healthy. She has a great job, a boyfriend who works and cares for her and she is very cute by society standards and is so much fun to be around! And yet, she is very very unhappy with her body.

I can assure you that the personal trainer who happens to be a man is doing all he can to get that "belly" and those "padded hips" off this young lady so she can be more attractive, not more healthy!

Oh this personal trainer preaches "health"; writes emails about it; but when you go into the gym he is in my terms berating the people he is training. He is yelling about body image; he yells about not working hard enough which translates into "you are not good enough the way you are!"

Yes, I know that people are motivated by this, but omg....needless to say I am sticking to my daily walk outside and will not be joining this IMAGE of work out! I am sure he thinks all kinds of things when I walk by with my "baby belly" and "padded hips"! Of course maybe he doesn't notice since I am not in there wearing spandex and tank tops.

Anyway, I tried the best I could to plant a few seeds about loving our female body; I tried to point out calmly that being healthy and "being fit" don't always mean the same thing; I tried to be supportive and yet I could see she was in no way desiring to follow me on this journey.

But of course, I remember being a teen and young adult and hating my small breasts and my overbite and my thin hair, etc etc! I didn't have breast implants thank Goddess but I did do something about my overbite which really didn't make me a different person at all!

I have learned to embrace the body I have. I have learned to eat healthy not so I can get rid of anything or be pencil thin but because I love this body and I want to care for it as long as I am walking in the Garden!

I wish this young woman and others like her in the world would do the same!

Blessed be! 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Ode to Daughters

I always wanted to be a Mom. As a young girl I dreamed of adopting all the unwanted kids in the world (not surprising I ended up in social work, huh?). I was the first of 5 siblings and took care of the last two as if they were my very own (I was 9 and 10 when they were born). I babysat, took care of the nursery at church, and generally was a caretaker at heart and in practice!

So when I became pregnant the first time imagine my surprise when I miscarried at 10 weeks. I was devastated. What would this mean? What did this mean? Would I ever be a Mom? Mother's Day was close to this miscarriage and I remember how sad I felt when the roses were given to all the Moms in the church service; the service that regaled Motherhood as the most important and crucial professional of all. I looked around  me and wondered how many others were feeling like me.

Then the next miscarriage came and I was sure this was my punishment for something I had done. Of course is would be another nail in my coffin of "not enough" but that is for another blog.

Why did I even want children? Was it worth going through all this heart ache over and over? Was I suppose to adopt? The doctor said, "you have an issue and it can be fixed."

I wanted children so they could be a part of bringing the Age of Aquarius into the world. I just knew MY children would do that; I would be a great mom! I would teach them how to love and care for the earth, each other and to help the downtrodden and those without a voice. I would teach them about God and how we all have a journey to travel that includes telling the story of ancient times.

And another Mother's Day came and went; along with all the fanfare at church and everywhere else I seemed to go before I finally was able to carry a child to term.

Holding my son in my arms was the most amazing thing I had ever done. And when my daughter was born 3 years later I thought my world and the world at large could never be so blessed!

And I stood with pride every Mother's Day at church to get that rose while so many other women were grieving in there pew or thought the whole thing was overrated since they never had any plans to be a mom.

The longer I was a social worker the more I became aware of another piece of the Mom puzzle. I realized that there were way too many women out there who had terrible abusive neglectful moms and in no way saw that "profession" as anything but pain and loss.

Now that I am 60 and my children are adults and I watch as they make decisions not to have children I wonder if they are not the wise ones. And I am not convinced that I was that great of a mom.

Not all women are nurturers and that is ok. Not all women want children or even like the ones they have. Not all women have moms that they want to regale and not all remember the moms who gave birth to them. And not all women even lived with their birth mothers at all.

But we are all Daughters! We are Daughters of the Goddess first and foremost and She will never abuse or neglect us! We are Daughters of the Garden! We are Daughters! So let us rejoice in that! It does not separate us; it binds us to each other like nothing else!

Aho and Blessed be!

Sunday, May 5, 2013


It seems to be a periodic episode called "finding myself"!

Or at least it has been a life time journey for me.

Just when I think I've got it.....

It smacks me in the face again!

I am 60 for Goddess Sakes!

My daughter said yesterday, "Rebelling again, huh?"

You see I decided when I turned 60 to say the hell with makeup and hair styles (no style has ever worked for me anyway!)

It seems that my mom who is turning 80 and looks like she has walked out of a fashion mag even on days she is sick

can't get enough of commenting on this change in "style" for me.

Yesterday we were going out for pancakes to support my niece who is the Strawberry Festival Queen and when I got in the car she said, "Oh you did decided to shower?" (the night before when we decided to meet at 7:30am to go and she complained about having to get up at 5am to get ready, I told her that I would just be putting my hair up in a pony tail as I needed to then get home to do stuff)

"Nope!" I said. "I just curled my hair."

"Well at least you did that!" she said looking ahead as I was driving.

So I told my daughter and she said, "Rebelling again, huh?"

Rebelling is my way of shouting "Who the hell am I?"

Always has been I guess. Always will be.

I want so much for people to look past the makeup that makes my blue eyes pop!

I want so much for people to look past the "cute" hair styles I have always tried to have with this baby fine thin hair I was burdened with.

"Look inside!" I scream!

"Ask me what I think about something; how I feel when I see my son suffering; how I live every day with regret and shame for choices I made in the past."

"Ask me what it is like to live alone and wonder who will be here when I need someone to change my diapers."

"Ask me to tell you about this journey I am on and what it means to me!"

Damn it, just ask!

And so YES I am rebelling! Thank Goddess at age 60 I still want to rebel! I still want to find me! I still want to walk my own path; speak my own truth; take a shower or not; wear makeup or not; let my hair grow to my knees and wear a damn pony tail that looks stupid cause it ain't thick!

And in the meantime I acknowledge that it is what makes me happy and content! And yet; I still want to be accepted.

So ask damn it!

I have stories to tell!

Most involve rebellion!

Maybe that's who I am!

Peace out and all that 60's stuff!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

A Mourning Howl!

My son turned 32 on April 24th! He has suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder since his teens although he didn't have a diagnosis until he was 25. He has had his share of depression, suicidal thoughts, disappointment, abuse, dark times, lost jobs, divorce and a sense of failure. He hates that he was ever born, but yet continues to walk on this Earth. I am not sure I would have the same fortitude to live through those horrible dark times and then come out of it only to face another one.

Well, the week before his birthday this year he went into a very very dark depression; quit his job; didn't shower or get out of bed for over a week (he lives with his dad).

Anyway, this was the first time that I was not going to talk to him on the day of his birth. But I understood even tho' it made me a bit sad.

So this is the story I want to tell you!

I was sitting on the balcony reading that morning. The air was cool and there was an incredible silence permeating the apartment complex (it was Sunday). David was born at 10:50 am and I usually call both of my kids at the exact time of their birth, but I knew I could not call David. So I began to talk to Goddess; to tell her how sorry I was for choosing his father; how I wish I could take away this life and give him another one to live; how I so didn't dream of this life for him as I held him in my arms the first time in the hospital. Nope, I did not check "mental illness" on the list of hopes and dreams for my son!

I sat there and closed my eyes and imagined my son laying in his dark place; grieving the day he was born; grieving his life; giving his past, present and future!

And all of a sudden; a dog in the complex began to howl. You know that lonesome; mourning howl of a dog who is missing his owners or is lost. I looked at the clock and it was EXACTLY 10:50am! The exact time of his birth. This dog (I could not see him) continued this mournful howl for a few minutes and then it stopped as abruptly as it began! I had never heard this before and haven't heard it since.

I began to cry. I knew this was the cry of my son! I knew it was the cry of the Universe and the Goddess for this lost soul I brought into the world 32 years ago!

It permeated my very soul! It was the saddest thing I had ever heard!

So that's the story.

I needed to share it and this seemed a good time being Beltane and all!

Blessed be and much love!