I am a Worrier!

Yep, I will admit it publicly; I AM A WORRIER! I have always been a WORRIER and it is something I try very hard not to do, but I do! In fact, I have anxiety because I am such a worrier. I worry about my health in particular. Recently I was telling my Mom this and she said, "Oh yes, honey, as a child every little scratch you got was a major 'need to go to the hospital' event!? (So, I am finding this information out just now at age 60 why?) I have tried so hard to do all the things I know to do: "don't worry!" "think about something else!" "meditate" and "trust in God!"

When I get these anxiety health attacks (like the one I am in right now about a place on my leg) I become obsessed with thinking about it, looking at it, etc. What I don't do tho' is look it up on the internet...oh god no! I would be out of my mind then! It is very irritating let me tell you! I even take Cymbalta to help with this anxiety.

Now really, I am a very healthy woman! Yep, I have had double bypass surgery and each 6 months the cardiologist gives me a clean bill of health. Yep, I have had a hysterectomy due to fibroids and I have now had three skin cancers, but other than that most of my health issues are fairly minor compared to others. Which then makes me feel GUILTY (I love the way these two go hand in hand!) when I begin to think about others who are dealing with other terrible health issues on a daily basis.

So, this is my chance to just say: I am a WORRIER and I don't like it. Sometimes I think it is all about the unknown. Once I find out what this is on my leg, I go into "fix it" mode. I usually don't even freak out much between that time and the time it is taken care of (well, minus the month wait I had to have my blocked heart arteries bypassed....I was a basket case then!!!), but then again maybe I do!

What I know is that I realize that much energy is expended while in this worry/obsession place. The harder I try not to worry the worse it becomes. So, I thought it was time to just put it out there and say it openly and honestly!

I am not sure if this is some lesson I need to learn during this lifetime or just a wacky misfire in the brain neurons, but it stinks!

Or: wait for it: I have a very hard time when my body reminds me that I am more fragile than I want to believe or even show others. Or: and this is even more like it I think: I have a real issue with things that break! And if I can't count on my body to not break then what can I count on. Or: are you ready: here it comes>>>>>>> maybe I am just a WORRIER and if that is the worse thing about me then, hell, I am in pretty good shape really!

So if you are a WORRIER too, then join the club. I think there are probably lots of us out there; silently struggling; silently thinking about what this growth is on our leg or silently thinking about what complications come with the new diagnosis of Diabetes or arthritis or lupus or heart disease or even the dreaded word: cancer!

So that's it! Thanks for listening! And don't worry, I will let you know when I find out what is on my leg! Now get back to your own worrying!

Blessed be!

The Universe Always Acts in our Favor

Do I have a story to tell! I love when the Universe affirms what She has taught me all my life. She continues to show me that She is always working for my Good. Now we can debate the place of  "evil" in the world, but not right now. Not in this blog! Not today! Today is about how much Goddess works in our Favor!

So you know I am taking this class called The Shaman Way! Well, this Tuesday is the last class and we will be making our Mesa; traveling altar; in the tradition of the Q'ero Peoples. This traveling altar is composed of a cloth of some sort that holds the stones, shells, etc. that we have been working with over the past 6 weeks. These can be added to over our journey. This cloth is then tied and used in the healing work we will be doing. (We will get more details on Tuesday!)

Ok, so the purpose of the Mesa isn't what this blog is about either! It is about how the Universe always is working in our Favor! She listens to our cries, She knows our desires, our frustrations and our every need! She moves and move us and moves others on our behalf!

Now, for this last class we are to bring a cloth that we want to use for the Mesa. Maurene has a beautiful one from Peru. She told us we could adorn it in whatever way we wanted and I immediately imagined feathers on mine! She gave us suggestions as what we could use for cloth too, and I began to search my mind for what I had at my apartment to use. Nothing was coming into my mind! NOTHING!

I was determined to not go to the fabric store to buy a piece of cloth. I looked at clothing I had. Nope! I looked at towels, washcloths, bandanas, handkerchiefs, anything that I had in this apartment. Nope! So I was very sad and wondering what I would do when I went to bed on Friday night!

Goddess had heard my heart on Tuesday night when Maurene told us about the need for cloth and She went to a very good friend of mine, Cheryl Dolby and moved her! You see, on Wednesday, Cheryl mailed me the Triple Goddess necklace I ordered from her on Tuesday morning. She puts the Goddess necklace in a very nice oblong box and then wraps it in cloth. This is what I saw when I opened the box she mailed the necklace and a book in:

Needless to say, I had cold chills going all over my body as I gazed upon my Mesa!!! This is EXACTLY how I imagined it to be! Same cloth and feathers! I sat and held it in my hands for awhile before I remembered that inside was the Goddess necklace I had ordered. I sat and thanked first Goddess and then Cheryl. I thanked Goddess for working in my favor and thanked Cheryl for listening!

These times are important for me to place in my heart and have available to take out and remember when I think that Life is against me. These times are there for me to look at Goddess and see Her smiling as She rejoices in my ever present amazement at Her Operation in Life! These times are there for me to Re-Member that the Universe is always working in my Favor and affirming the Path I am on!

I immediately emailed Cheryl and told her the story. Then I couldn't wait to tell my daughter and then Kim! And on Tuesday night, I will wear the Goddess necklace and tell the story to the women gathered in circle as we put together our Mesa Altars!

And now I get to share the story with so many others in hopes that you too will know that She is always working in your Favor! Cherish those memories when they come loud and clear and then trust that it is Her Truth even when She seems Silent!

Blessed be! 

FAMILY

I found out this week that my Great nephew has Bi-Polar with Multiple Personality Disorder. He is 14 years old. I am so very very sad!

Mental illness is close to my heart for two reasons: I have a son who suffers with Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Self-injury and I was a social worker for 33 years.

My niece stopped speaking to me 9 years ago when her Dad, my brother, went on a tirade and disowned me and one of my other sisters and also my parents (within the past 2 years he has begun a relationship of sorts with them). It was a blow to this family that always saw itself as "fairly functional" but at least all the sibs got along and supported one another. Don't know what happened to my brother, but that is not the point of this blog post.

What is the point is that I am not only sad for this young man, but I am sad that at a critical upsetting scarey time like this, we are not there for each other. I have lived with a mentally ill son for over 15 years and could offer so much to this family, but alas it is not to be. I have tried my best to reach out to my brother, his wife and my niece for the past 9 years with no results.

Families are an interesting lot. I suppose that is why I stayed in Social Work for over half my life. I am fascinated by the interactions, by the stories and the drama that makes up this connection we value so highly in our society. I too needed support and understanding when my son was going through his nightmare (and still does), but the usual response was "he needs to grow up and get over it."

I now hear tenderness in my Mom's tone when she speaks of my son. But this has just come about in the past year after some very hard discussions about understanding his illness. And so, she is now quite upset about her Great-grandson but with a compassion and understanding that this is not something he can "get over" and will have to learn to live with. Maybe my son's journey helped her to prepare her for this devastating news.

I am so happy that my niece got my Great-nephew to the doctor immediately when "strange" behaviors began to show themselves. Early intervention is key to all diseases, but especially mental illness.

As much as I would love to talk to my niece about what it means to live with someone with mental illness, as much as I would love to hug her and let her cry as I did, as much as I would love to say, "this journey will be long and difficult but your son is still the person you have loved all these years", as much as I would love to hold her hand and to be present to give that affirmation to my Great-nephew....I am not invited to do so. (In fact I am not even suppose to know).

So, I always know what to do! I wrap this family in Love and Light and send them off to Goddess to care for, to direct and to love on this challenging journey! And hopefully my Son's journey has in some way helped to pave the way to better understanding.

I have learned that this odd relationship we call Family has it's good points and it's challenging times. And then I remember that we are all Family; the rocks, the trees, the flowers trying to hang on for the last bloom of the Fall, the animals, the fish, the birds that are migrating to warmer temperatures, the Moon and Sun, the Stars and Planets, the homeless smelly man on the corner, the pedophile in prison, the single mom working long hours, the people on Facebook we have never met, and my brother and his wife and daughter and her sons.

What did Sister Sledge sing: "We Are Family"!

Blessed be!

A story through Cards

I can hardly believe that I have only one more The Shaman Way class. What a powerful experience this has been. I have learned so much and have been honored to sit in circle with some amazing women.

Two weeks ago, Maurene had us count off by 4 and then put us in two groups. We each then drew a card from a container with both Oracle and Tarot cards. We did not look at them. When she told us to, we laid the cards down in the order of our numbers. Here is the spread that our group had:

Then we were to each write a story based on these cards (trying not to pay attention to what was written on them, but to only gaze at the image on the card). It was amazing how different each of the stories were. So very very different! We began our story with:

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A RELUCTANT SHAMAN........

Here is my story!

Once upon a time there was a reluctant shaman who decided one day to spread her wings and jump into the Stars. Her intention was to claim her Divine Feminine Spirit, bringing joy and light into the world.

And yet, it was a risky move and at times She felt full of all that the Universe had to offer, but at other times a darkness surronded her as she fell out of favor, lost friends and family and doubted herself.

So she knew it was time to draw within. She knew it was necessary to climb inside the Shadows and face HerSelf. She withdrew from all the "other voices" until only Her Voice was present.

It was a grand day when she mounted her steed and rode out to meet those "other voices". Her inner child laughed and giggled. She gleaned energy from Grandfather Sun. She waved the banner of the Goddess and began the journey into Wholeness, Completeness, and Holiness.

Maurene said that this is a valuable tool where we ask the questions:
Where am I now in the story?
Where am I stuck in this story?
What part do I feel bad about and what part is so beautiful that I can't accept it?
What part am I resisting?
What part are the gifts?

Where am I in this story? I am this story! It was only by leaving the Voices of the World that I could actually Hear the Voice of the Sacred Feminine. It was only be going within and hanging out in the Shadows that I could claim that which is mine and reject that which is not. But the powerful piece of this story was when I mounted my Steed and rode out to "meet the 'other voices'"! That is what my Story is all about at this time. It is about standing in my Truth and doing so in spite of the "other voices' trying to tell me otherwise!

I want to do this again with other open ended first sentences. I will draw my own cards and instead of doing the usual "Tarot" reading, I will write a short story as it comes to me. I suggest that others do the same.

Magickal things happen when we trust Goddess to speak in, with and through us!

Magickal indeed!

Blessed be!

What Healing Looks Like

The Shaman Way Class I am taking is sending me on a journey like no other that I can remember. So much to absorb and I want to talk about it, but to whom? So I will blog!

Maureen says: "Healing is releasing what is not yours and bringing in and dealing with that which is and then releasing that which no longer serves you, but in doing so you must honor both." So mote it be!

Last Tuesday night, I realized something so very important in my healing. As many of you know I had a 30 year marriage full of emotional, sexual and mental abuse by a man I did not realize suffered from Narcissism. Being addicted to pornography wounded me and my children and he continues to blame every one else but himself. Over the past 10 years since I left him, I have tried many different ways to heal the open wounds of myself and my adult children. And yet, I knew that I was still chained to those 30 years.

And then it happened. The Veil opened and I SAW (thank you Seer Rite) the reason for this. Here is what I learned:

By living in the Past I thought I could rewrite the story; I could change the decisions that were made or not made; I could protect my children and myself from the damages of the choices my husband/their father made that has caused the wounds we all carry. I also thought, and this is a biggie, that by staying there, I was showing my children that I loved them, cared for them, and still suffered with and for them. (Wacky huh?) It was as if by moving on, I was betraying what had been done to them. Like I was saying, "OK, so shit happens, get over it; I am moving on!" Betrayal at its worse!

I began to SEE what was mine and what was not. The sexual abuse in the day care home by a teenage boy on my son (not knowing about it until he was 22 years of age) is not mine! I did not know about it, saw no signs, and when he began to have nightmares etc in elementary school. I did in fact ask the questions of him about day care, school, boy scouts, etc. But he had buried the memories and always said nothing happened. I cannot go back and undue what happened, nor can I take away the pain he is experiencing now as he walks the journey of being a Survivor of Sexual Abuse. Guilt is a heavy chain to carry and it has only served to keep my wounds open and festering and does his also. For when I do not heal then others cannot heal. Healing ourselves helps the world/universe to heal! Energy works like that! It is Magick!

The choices that my husband made are not mine to carry. They are his to live with, to heal from if he chooses, and to carry for as long as he chooses.

Sound like I am not taking any responsibility for how life was in those 30 years? That is not it. I take full responsibility for choosing the man I did, for staying as long as I did and for falling into the enabling/co-dependent life style so typical of abused women! I so wanted that marriage to work because if it didn't then I failed! I know what I did to perpetuate the illness going on in this family system. But now what I can do is say, "No matter where I am in life, no matter what I contributed to creating, no matter what is happening, I am always doing the best I can with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that I have until I can find a better way to handle the situation." And the better way to handle the situation was to leave the marriage.

Now, the better way to handle the situation is to Heal; really Heal; not just kinda sorta heal. That will also be the journey of my children. That is theirs and not mine. I cannot hurry it along, I cannot make it easier, I can only love them the very best way I know how right now!

So how did carrying all that serve me? It forced me to face the Shadows in Me! It forced me to look right into the Past and honor what happened and to then release it into the Fire thus freeing up Space for Healing, for Rebirth, and for Awesomeness! It brought me to the place of Standing in my Truth and Speaking with the Voice of the Divine! Claiming what is Mine and not what is Yours! Standing as a Light-bearer in a new Way: not as a Savior/Fixer but as One Called to Bring the Light, Be the Light and thus Shine the Light on Others who want to SEE in new and different ways and as such begin their own Healing Journey!

I have come a long way; no doubt, but it is a Life Long Journey! I no longer fear what lies behind me or ahead of me! It is all Good and Right in its own Way!

Blessed be! Blessed be!