“I thought of the woman I always thought of in such moments:
an astrologer who’d read my natal chart when I was twenty-three. I didn’t put
much faith in it. I thought it would be a bit of fun, an ego-boosting session
during which she’d say generic things like You
have a kind heart.
But she didn’t. Or rather, she said those things, but she
also said bizarrely specific things that were so accurate and particular, so
simultaneously consoling and upsetting, that it was all I could do not to bawl
in recognition and grief. “How can you know this?” I kept demanding. ….and then
she’d say another thing that would blow my brain into about seven thousand
pieces because it was so true.
Until she began to speak of my father. ‘Was he a Vietnam
vet?’ she asked. No, I told her, he wasn’t. He was in the military in the
mid-1960’s—in fact, he was stationed at the base in Colorado Springs where my
mother’s father was stationed, which is how my parents met—but never in
Vietnam.
‘It seem she was like a Vietnam vet,’ she persisted.
‘Perhaps not literally. But he has something in common with some of those men.
He was deeply wounded. He was damaged. His damage had infected his life and has
infected you.’
I was not going to nod. Everything that had every happened
to me in my whole life was mixed into the cement that kept my head perfectly
still at the moment an astrologer told me that my father had infected me.
‘Wounded?’ was all I could manage.
‘Yes,’ said Pat. ‘And you’re wounded in the same place.
That’s what fathers do if they don’t heal their wounds. They wound their
children in the same place.’
‘Hmm,’ I said, my face blank.
‘I could be wrong.’ She gazed down a the paper between us.
‘This isn’t necessarily literal.’
‘Actually, I only saw my father three times after I was
six,’ I said.
‘The father’s job is to teach his children how to be
warriors, to give them the confidence to get on the horse and ride into battle
when it’s necessary to do so. If you don’t get that from your father, you have
to teach yourself.’
‘But—I think I have already,’ I sputtered. ‘I’m strong—I
face things, I----‘
‘This isn’t about strength,’ said Pat. ‘And you may not be
able to see this yet, but perhaps there will come a time—it could be years from
now—when you’ll need to get on your horse and ride into battle and you’re going
to hesitate. You’re going to falter. To heal the wound your father made, you’re
gong to have to get on that horse and ride into battle like a warrior.’ “
Excerpt from Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Pages 203-205
My reflections: Out of the entire book, which was amazing
and marvelous, this stood out in huge and loud words! Wow! If our fathers do
not heal their wounds, they wound their children in the same place.
I did not go directly to my father; that is for another
time. But I began thinking about David and Stephanie. Bob was terribly wounded
and would not do anything about it of course. Where were his wounds? He has
Narcissism, and it was always about himself. He has issues with women and put
that on Stephanie and me. But he put the Narcissism on David. It was all about
David, and he modeled how to mistreat women, use women, how sex is the
beginning and end of all relationships. Both my kids and me were wounded at the
sex place…being sexually abused by the constant availability of porn in our
house. Both watching it when we were not home.
I am digesting this part of the book and during my massage
and then mouth surgery had these vision:
VISION #1
I am standing on a cliff overlooking a vast valley. I am in Native
America attire. I am standing beside a beautiful White Mare. She was adorned in
ribbons and had a very long mane! Beside me was Wolf! I was gazing out into the
landscape, which was full of mountains.
As I stood there, Stephanie walked up behind me with her
white Mare and Otter. They joined me at the cliff and we gazed upon the Valley
together. She too had on Native American attire. She looked at me and smiled!
Then, David arrived with his White Stallion. Beside him were
Wolf and Buffalo. They came to stand with us also. But David had a very
distressed look on his face. Stephanie and I nodded at him and then we both
mounted our Mares.
David looked at his Steed and stood there. He seemed afraid
to mount his horse. He stood there forever so long looking at us and looking at
the horse. Stephanie and I waited and nodded to him to get on his horse. She
told him that we would help him and he would be safe. But he would not get on
the horse.
Interpretation: Stephanie and I had to get on our own horses
and teach each other how to be Warriors and ride into battles. We did so in
order to heal those wounded parts. My father did not wound me…he actually
taught me how to ride into battle, but Bob wounded me in the places he was
wounding the kids. He wounded us all.
Stephanie and I got on our Mares and rode out into Battle in
spite the woundedness we suffered at the hands of this man. We now ride our
Mares with confidence and security, knowing that our wounds are healed and we
will not carry them into battles. We carry strength, resiliency, assuredness,
and knowledge! We carry our deep Divine Female Voices into the World and are
happy where we are and what we do.
David on the other hand was not taught, now does he have the
self-ability to ride away from the man who did the wounding. He was more
wounded because Bob gave him the mental illness. David has gotten on his
Stallion but faltered and failed (going to New Orleans and having to come back
to Roanoke; entering the OT graduate program and dropping out).
VISION #2
While having the two dental implants put in yesterday, I had
this vision again. This time Stephanie and I were already at the Cliff and on
our horses. David walked his horse to join us with Wolf and Buffalo. He once
again stood looking at us, and the Valley that awaited us below. He began to
put his foot into the stirrup (Stephanie and I were bareback, but he had full
saddle.), and hesitated.
Stephanie got down from her horse and walked over to David.
She hugged him and handed him a Native American breastplate and told him to put
it on. He did so almost hesitantly. She then took his foot and put it in the
stirrup. Buffalo came closer and snorted and raised his head. Wolf began to
howl!
David left his foot there for a time and looked up at me. I
smiled and nodded my head and then looked to the Valley.
Stephanie helped David into the saddle where he sat tall and
regal. Like a real Warrior. Buffalo and Wolf bent down on their knees and
honored him.
Stephanie mounted her Mare and looked into the Valley. I kneed
my beautiful Stallion and set forth down the mountainside. Stephanie nodded to
David to go next, which he again did hesitantly, but holding on tightly to the
reigns, he began behind me; Stephanie followed behind him.
That was the end of that Vision.
Interruption:
David will not be able to ride off into battle as a warrior
until he leaves Bob and joins up with the Women in his life who actually
demonstrate how to ride into battle!
It will be scary and he will want to falter, as the wounds
his father gave him are deep and profound. They have been controlling his life,
just as they could have controlled ours. But Stephanie and I got on our own
horses and left that who was wounding us. And now, we are on our own adventure
as Warrior Women in charge of our own horses, our own adventures, and our own
lives!
I hope David will join us!
